Gotta disagree with Trix on the last one. I have been no contact with my abusive father for the better part of a decade and there is not one single aspect of my life that has been negatively affected by that choice. My sister and mother are NC with him now too. If someone is truly toxic and abusive then being around them is not a positive or healthy thing, period. Being blood related means nothing. My father has not changed, he is still the violent narcissist he was when I cut him off. If he wants a relationship he can do extensive therapy and basically transform into a new human... Then we can talk. I think Tracy is advocating grace and understanding, and I can endorse that for less volatile people, but only you can evaluate how damaging it is to be around your toxic family. NEVER feel bad about cutting off people who are legitimately detrimental to your health and safety, be that physical or emotional.
Agreed - I haven't spoken to my father in 30 years and it was and is the right choice. I don't wish him ill but I don't want him around unless he's prepared to be less of a dick.
"Didn't ask to be born" I have been in pretty much that exact situation and I will tell you that first, I changed my phone number and blocked them on all social media. Second, I read an amazing book that is a guaranteed must read for anyone in this situation and it is called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This book will not only help you process your childhood but it also lays out a path for pursuing a relationship with your parents if you so choose. In my situation I am choosing to stay "no contact" (I just learned there was a name for it like 2 weeks ago, it's been 6 years for me). I don't blame T&K for giving the advice that they did, people who don't have to deal with this will always say stay in contact because they don't truly know the harsh ways that you can be treated by "family". Being blood related doesn't justify the way you were treated, and you do not need to justify the boundaries you have to set for your own sanity.
I cannot recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents enough. It gave me a lot of perspective on my relationship with my parents, and seriously helps me navigate how to deal with them and other people in my life.
I'm also in a FB group for children of narcissists. It's nice being able to support and be supported by other people who are going through the same thing. <3
Look up the term "grey rocking." You might be able to go "low contact" instead of "no contact" if you're able to grey rock and detach emotionally from their BS.
However many words this is (it's friday and my martini is getting watery): Community College, State College, State University, HONEY! Look into the discount your state residence offers. I went to state U's in two states for just PENNIES and it was a great way to get some book learnin' in between shit restaurant jobs. Werq, then skule, then more werq, take it at your pace as you develop opinions on workplace harassment, wage theft, stupid people in authority, and do it all without incurring any debt! You might get all the way to a degree, graduation, and the start of a career with no debt. How hot is that? Higher education is a sick racket so don't participate in Ivy Fever, unless someone else you're not related to picks up the tab.
Gotta disagree with Trix on the last one. I have been no contact with my abusive father for the better part of a decade and there is not one single aspect of my life that has been negatively affected by that choice. My sister and mother are NC with him now too. If someone is truly toxic and abusive then being around them is not a positive or healthy thing, period. Being blood related means nothing. My father has not changed, he is still the violent narcissist he was when I cut him off. If he wants a relationship he can do extensive therapy and basically transform into a new human... Then we can talk. I think Tracy is advocating grace and understanding, and I can endorse that for less volatile people, but only you can evaluate how damaging it is to be around your toxic family. NEVER feel bad about cutting off people who are legitimately detrimental to your health and safety, be that physical or emotional.
Agreed - I haven't spoken to my father in 30 years and it was and is the right choice. I don't wish him ill but I don't want him around unless he's prepared to be less of a dick.
"Didn't ask to be born" I have been in pretty much that exact situation and I will tell you that first, I changed my phone number and blocked them on all social media. Second, I read an amazing book that is a guaranteed must read for anyone in this situation and it is called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This book will not only help you process your childhood but it also lays out a path for pursuing a relationship with your parents if you so choose. In my situation I am choosing to stay "no contact" (I just learned there was a name for it like 2 weeks ago, it's been 6 years for me). I don't blame T&K for giving the advice that they did, people who don't have to deal with this will always say stay in contact because they don't truly know the harsh ways that you can be treated by "family". Being blood related doesn't justify the way you were treated, and you do not need to justify the boundaries you have to set for your own sanity.
I cannot recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents enough. It gave me a lot of perspective on my relationship with my parents, and seriously helps me navigate how to deal with them and other people in my life.
I'm also in a FB group for children of narcissists. It's nice being able to support and be supported by other people who are going through the same thing. <3
Look up the term "grey rocking." You might be able to go "low contact" instead of "no contact" if you're able to grey rock and detach emotionally from their BS.
However many words this is (it's friday and my martini is getting watery): Community College, State College, State University, HONEY! Look into the discount your state residence offers. I went to state U's in two states for just PENNIES and it was a great way to get some book learnin' in between shit restaurant jobs. Werq, then skule, then more werq, take it at your pace as you develop opinions on workplace harassment, wage theft, stupid people in authority, and do it all without incurring any debt! You might get all the way to a degree, graduation, and the start of a career with no debt. How hot is that? Higher education is a sick racket so don't participate in Ivy Fever, unless someone else you're not related to picks up the tab.
How do i tell someone i love them and how to get over the heartbreak that i will probably get rejected?