Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #27

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hi y'all, I'm looking to go to college next year, I was just turned down for a huge scholarship opportunity at my top school. I'm crushed both because financial need is my primary influence when deciding on a school and because I had what now seems to be a delusional amount of confidence coming out of the interview process. How do I move forward from here without allowing myself to be overwhelmed by financial anxiety and just general fear for the state of my future?

-Emily

Trixie: College is expensive, period. The good news is the broker you are and the more broke your parents are, the more access to federal grants and lower-interest loans you are. You are going to owe money forever no matter what so I would say focus on the education quality. 

You could go to an amazing school and then fuck off and learn nothing. Or you could go to a totally mediocre school but really spend your time wisely and get a lot out of it.

I would also say college truly isn’t all that. What are your actual goals? Do the goals require an education?

The other option would be to move to Sweden and marry a nice blonde man named Bjorn. They have free education there. You’ll have to do anal on the Ikea daybed to secure the wedding ring, but the free education is worth it.

Katya: I’ve got two words for you honey: Community College. I got swept away in the bullshit of attending the fanciest undergraduate school possible, and if I knew then what I know now, I would have skipped that first year to travel or work, then do the first two years at community college for the tiniest fraction of the price and then transfer to a college for the last couple. In America, we somehow think it’s okay to rack up more than $100K in debt for a liberal arts undergrad degree. It should be illegal! Besides, the quality of an undergrad education is not going to be all that great if we’re being real. Psych 101 is pretty much the same whether you’re at Bunker Hill Community or Boston University. The real difference lies in the price tag, so whatever you do, don’t be duped by The College Industrial Complex!

Question 2: Hello Katya & Trixie! 

(changed the name order to keep us on our feet)

Have you ever innocently ignored a few texts and then days turned into weeks and you didn’t even know what to say after all this time that you gave up altogether? Well, it turns out six months is A LOT so I started catching up with people again and it went well but there’s this one friend who I could tell was more distant and cold because of that. I feel so guilty and can’t stop thinking I haven’t been a good friend, but I wasn’t at a place (emotionally or mentally) to be my best self. I understand I can’t suddenly disappear and expect people to be okay with that, but I don’t want to blame myself for struggling. I know I’m at fault and I applaud her for honouring her feelings but.. at what point does self-respect give way to friendship?

I do feel bad for shutting everyone out but I was truly overwhelmed and needed a break. I’m always there for my friends and I think I deserve the same response but I might have reacted the same way as her, so I get it. I should’ve been open from the beginning and given a heads-up but how do you explain something to others that you don’t fully understand yourself? 

She was the last person I wanted to hurt and when a good friend can no longer empathize, it’s a wake-up call. My question to both of you is how do I address it (now and for future urges to isolate) and how could I hold myself accountable without being too harsh for something I had no control over (aka mental health)?

-Christina

Trixie: Christina I know I am someone who at time lacks gentleness and compassion in the way I am very direct but I’m just going to go ahead and say it: how are you able to be so emotionally open on this public homosexual forum but unable to pick up the phone and let your friend know the exact tea?

As a general rule, people love to feel right. When you apologize and beg for forgiveness, you are giving someone an opportunity to play the “bigger person.” People love this shit. It helps them when they go to sleep at night since they spend so much time being awful.

Just tell this bitch how you flopped and you can tell the friendship didn’t totally reinflate to the bouncing beach ball of love it once was. She’ll come around.

Katya: Mary, let me tell you. A few years ago, my communication style underwent a radical transformation. I went from delivering prompt and timely responses to texts, emails, and phone calls to becoming the elusive chanteuse who may text back at some point in the next few weeks. It just kinda happened, little by little, as one unanswered text became two, and then a day without looking at email became a week. It’s not a great look, but I like it.  Everyone’s allowed to be a little flakey, unless of course you are an ER doctor, or a babysitter, then you are not allowed to be flakey. But I’m all for taking a break, especially when it comes to the phone. I would suggest smaller breaks on a more regular basis, so that you don’t have to disappear for six months and leave people wondering if you’ve kicked the bucket or moved to Wyoming.

Question 3: Hello Trixie and Katya, I ask for your sacred wisdom to guide me through my life's journey.

I am a 30 year-old homo who has pretty much cut off all ties with my family due to both the homophobic and abusive upbringing I received. It's definitely something I do not regret and has immensely improved my mental health. However, they have tried getting in contact with me, to the point of showing up outside my apartment building spontaneously at midnight while I was out of town. They are of the mindset that as parents, they have done nothing wrong and as the child, regardless of my age, I owe them whatever they want. And despite finding my own independence and living my own life, I'd be lying if I said I'm not affected by them anymore–kind of like a pesky STD that keeps trying to come back no matter what I do. How do you recommend cutting toxic people out of your life, especially when it's your own family, and finding inner peace and emotional stability? Should I tell them to fuck off once and for all or continue to ignore and not engage? 

-Didn't Ask to be Born

Trixie: Have you noticed that the most toxic people are the ones who advocate for “cutting toxic people out of your life?” As someone who is related to Trump supporters, I understand that with family it is never black-and-white and always that pesky gray color.

You know your family is probably older than you and you will outlive them. Which means you will probably arrive at an age where you have the wisdom to regret choices you made when you were younger. I don’t think you’ll ever regret trying to make things work with your family but I can guarantee that you will regret cutting them off in the name of “mental health.”

Just establish boundaries, keep the conversation two-dimensional, and just be super unflinchingly queer. Dress like Lizzie McGuire and say “girl” a lot especially to the more masculine presenting members of your family. It also helps to make way more money than them because then they really can’t say shit.

Katya: Jesus, this sounds awful. Personally, I don’t want anybody showing up at my apartment at midnight, nevermind homophobic family members that I’ve given the middle finger to. There is always a chance they’ll come around to see the error of their ways, and since they are family, it might be worth it to keep this bridge intact. When it comes to annoying people disrupting my inner peace, there is a good rule I try to remember: Don’t let anyone live rent free in your head.