Unpaid Spokeswomen #22

Welcome to Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

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Trixie:

Scream 3

Let me just start by stating the obvious–Scream 3 has a 41% on Rotten Tomatoes. The general consensus seems to be that this is the film where the series stopped performing a genius postmodern critique of the horror genre and instead leaned on horror cliches and hamfisted jumpscares. 

I do not feel this way and I am okay with probably being wrong. My boyfriend is in the movie industry, went to NYU for film, and is a general know-it-all when it comes to which movies are “good” and “bad.” He asserts that the objective cinematic quality of the Scream films can be ranked from best to worst as the following:

1. Scream 2

2. Scream

3. Scream 4

4. Scream 3

I am your problematic fav popping off once again, sis, because Scream 3 works my pussy out completely. Mainly because we get two Gale Weatherses. Well, sort of. We get Courteney Cox serving choppy baby bangs illusions and we get Parker Posey as Jennifer Jolie playing Gale Weathers as portrayed by Courteney Cox. Parker Posey is really in her own movie giving Jennifer Coolidge-level camp as a fragile A-list Hollywood star. Seeing her follow the “real” Gale Weathers around dressed as Gale Weathers is so incredible. Parker Posey actually came to one of my standup shows once and afterward she walked up to the Merch table and told them that I told her she could have whatever she wanted for free. I don’t remember if I actually authorized that but honestly WERK.

Scream 3 also has David Arquette looking the hottest he looks in any of the films. We get Jamie Kennedy giving a post-mortem monologue on the rules of trilogies via VHS tape. We even get a new Stab movie being filmed WHILE the new batch of murders is underway. This means two Sidneys, two Deputy Deweys, and basically double the bloodshed. This installment of the franchise is admittedly more comedic and wild but that’s what I like about it. There’s even a Carrie Fisher cameo where she plays a woman who gets told she looks just like Carrie Fisher?????????

If anybody would like to be critical of Scream 3 being my favorite, you can catch me outside bitch.

Maybelline City Bronzer

Bronzer can be a complicated and slippery world of disappointment. Too red, too dark, too gray, too sparkly, too matte. Too expensive! Too hard to find. Too fragile. There are so many variables present in the search for your personal Holy Grail Bronzer. The payoff of finding the right bronzer is a complexion with warmth and dimension. The fact is, no one’s face looks best when it’s painted all one color and contouring/bronzing is an easy way to break up the visual monotony of a freshly shellacked face. You move on with your life happy.

The alternative outcomes can butterfly effect into a horrible life. You look too orange, and possibly too sparkly, and suddenly you’re an unattractive Cheeto with highly textured skin. You never kiss the father of your children at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance and suddenly Marty McFly, your son from the future, is losing feeling in his hands as they disappear. (P.S. Did you know Jan Levinson Gould from The Office was supposed to play Marty’s girlfriend originally?!)

City Bronzer is fabulous. Affordable, easy to replenish, and wonderfully easy to apply. Smooth application in several flattering shades organized by an easy-to-navigate numbering system, and it doesn’t change colors as it oxidizes on your skin. I love Charlotte Tilbury, MAC, NARS, and Tarte bronzers as well, but Maybelline is offering an equally wonderful product at a fraction of those prices. I have tried pretty much every bronzer at the drugstore and I would say that the Physician’s Formula Butter Bronzers are the only other option close to the quality of City Bronzer.

Even you homosexuals who want to dabble in makeup but are afraid of looking stupid should check out City Bronzer. Just purchase it in a shade slightly darker than you’d imagine, because they are easy to buff out and sheer down with a fluffy duo fiber brush.

Katya:

Clean: The New Science of Skin by James Hamblin

I heard about this book right as it was published around the start of the pandemic. After having read the author’s viral essay in The Atlantic about going five years without showering, I thought to myself, “Is he me?” I finally got around to reading it last week, and holy shit did I tear through that motherfucker. Hamblin is a doctor and journalist, and this book is fascinating, funny, and very well-researched.  He talks to aestheticians, microbiologists, immunologists, venture capitalists, wellness enthusiasts, grifters, healers, and historians. It’s an often funny and always fascinating examination of the history of hygiene, and the newly emerging science of the skin microbiome, AKA the population of the trillions of microorganisms that live on our skin and in our pores. The book’s thoroughly broad scope is made accessible by his excellent, relatable tone as he details the history of hygiene, the science of skin, and the business of beauty. It’s a completely fascinating examination of the ever-changing meaning and fluctuating cost of what it means to be “clean.”  I can’t recommend this book highly enough. 

VOLUSPA candle in Goji Tarocco Orange 

Recently I participated in a bit where I presented a scented candle to comedian Whitney Cummings, who then detailed her loathing of such a gift, and then crushed it in a hydraulic press. It’s a bit ironic because I’ve always loved scented candles and have given many as gifts, never with the intention of helping to mask the scent of the recipient’s fragrant vagina. A while ago, I moved into an apartment with stairs and I decided to place a jarred candle on each of the steps to create a lovely mood-enhancing effect. Sometimes, I just sit and stare at the flickering flames softly dancing in the colorful glass jars. The Goji Tarocco Orange scented candle by Voluspa is fruity and fabulous, and I love the red glass jar it comes in. Another favorite is Baltic Amber. These are not cheap—the larger size retails for about $40, so I light them sparingly. There are versions that have glass lids, which I prefer because they also look pretty when they’re just sitting there unlit. I also make it a point to buy cheaper candles on sale and use them as “filler queens” when I want to get that moody ambiance really yankin. In addition to these jarred beauties, they make an enormous 5-wick bucket candle that I purchased in a manic state for like $250 a couple years ago. I wouldn’t  recommend such an extravagant purchase, especially as a gift, as it is huge and heavy and kind of weird, but I didn't end up regretting it. I lit that behemoth for a whole fucking year, she smelled very gorgeous and I didn’t end up dead in a house fire.