Unpaid Spokeswomen #12
Welcome to Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.
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Trixie:
St. Mary’s Hospital in St. Louis, MO
I hate to be controversial yet brave once again, but I recently had to stay in this hospital and I had a fabulous experience. I was flying to St. Louis to do a college show at Webster University and I was looking forward to it. College shows are typically easy as eighteen year-olds from rural communities think you are legitimately famous so they laugh at everything. They also typically get a little drunk in their dorm rooms before you arrive so that definitely helps too. On the plane, my stomach started killing me. By the time I landed, I was on my way to the ER. I was in an Uber serving the saddest little moans of pain you’ve ever heard. Aside from the ripping, twisting, torturous pain of an inflamed appendix, I was given the most fabulous healthcare experience I’ve ever had. Amazing food, empathetic and professional caregivers, and even a remote in bed that controls the lighting in the room!
They even delivered my medicine to my room because I didn’t have a car! They gave me a heated blanket! They gave me access to unlimited disposable underwear without calling it a “diaper service.” The bed was comfortable and fit my six foot frame. The TV had tons of Halloween movies and I got to watch The Exorcist while I ate three (3) bowls of orange sherbet.
I would have appreciated stronger pain medicine, but I think since I have the facial features of Midwestern white trash they were afraid of letting me get wild with the OxyContin. They gave me minor doses of morphine but my pain was never eliminated. However I had access to all the instant vegetable broth and room temperature Sierra Mist a woman could ever need.
I even got recognized by the infection specialist–and nothing heals the body like feeling famous.
Kyle Richards in Halloween Kills
Let’s just be vulnerable and intimate at the gig and talk about the semi-flop that was Halloween Kills. The much-anticipated follow-up to 2018’s Halloween had us waiting to fill Michael Myers sized shoes and sadly the strong landing was undelivered. The movie had the aspects of a great sequel–same great cast, higher body count, and perhaps even higher budget. But tonally, the film was all over the map. Brutal murders of characters we as audience members don’t care much about made it difficult to get invested. One girl literally dies from accidentally shooting herself in the face. Ironically the film almost died from shooting itself in the foot.
However, for me, anytime I get to see Judy Greer on the screen, I’m thrilled. She is such a fabulous performer and brings depth and comedy to pretty much anything she does. She shines in this installment–particularly because in the first film, the relationship between Jamie Lee Curtis and her granddaughter is the focus. But there is one gal who really came in to the gig and ate.
Miss Kyle Richards, former child actor and currently adult reality star really came for these bitches necks. I think all the gays were excited too see Kyle step back into her role as Lindsey Wallace but we weren’t expecting Meryl Streep in Doubt level performing. We were excited for a fun cameo and we would have been satisfied with just that. But real tea–this gal really was giving. The stakes felt high, you felt she was scared, and you felt an adult who is reliving trauma from her childhood as she took part in a deadly hide-and-seek with the local boogeyman. Honestly I bet a decade of reality television actually sharpens your skills as an actress because you have to live so authentically in the moment with no dialogue or plan or second takes. I think she might have even been one of the best parts of the movie. Kudos Miss Kyle.
Katya:
New York City, NY
The Big Apple, the city that never sleeps, the cultural capital of the world, the oldest town in North America and the place I’ve called home for the last 29 years. That’s right, I'm talking about New York City. Whether you’re a Mets fan or a Jets fan, or if you couldn’t care less about all that hullabaloo under the lights in Wrigley Field, this place has got it all. You’ve gotta be living underneath a rock not to be familiar with its many cultural landmarks and points of interest, all of which frequently appear on the silver screen (the movie theater) and on the small screen (television) But that New York State of mind extends far beyond those fast walking suits of Wall Street, and the fashionistas of Madison Avenue or even the teenage gangs of Central Park. Most of the features of modern urban dwelling originated in this historic city, whose origins itself are a thing of legend. Just look outside on trash night, and you’re likely to see a few raccoons rummaging through your trash–that’s a New York thing, alright, as raccoons are one of the many indigenous species of the island of Manhattan. Or maybe on an evening drive in the country you might catch a glimpse of a coyote making off with an infant, or hear the greasy squeak of gay lovers doing their *thang* in the bushes. Well I’ve got some news to start spreading, and you guessed it–all these things had their humble beginnings trying to make it big in the big city, and as the saying goes, if they can make it here, then they can make it anywhere...and they did! From traffic lights, to skyscrapers, to the paper boys who grew up to be milk men, they can all thank the Big Easy, Red Square, Good Ole Ironsides, where it all began. The rent may be higher than the sky, but at least there’s about 14 days of incredible weather where you don’t have to wonder if that was dog shit or human shit you just stepped in–when it’s this nice out, they both taste the same!
The Heart, She Holler
This three season long Adult Swim comedy is a dark and nasty backwoods romp through a fictional country wasteland with a mythology as puzzling and stupid as an all brown Rubik’s Cube. Surrealist, absurdist, and often quite offensive, this white trash family drama takes place in the Holler, where the dead patriarch of the family gives wise counsel to his surviving relatives each day through a will catalogued on a library of VHS types. Everyone in the cast is fantastic, especially Memaw, the hell ghost granny in a nighty who cannot die (see picture) played by Judith Anna Roberts and Amy Sedaris who replaces Kristen Schaal (who was also fabulous) in seasons 2 and 3. Highlights of the series include the local doctor (who is also a mechanic) exploiting the sedated body of Memaw as a medical destination tourist attraction where members of the town pay a fee to climb through her vagina which is discovered to also be a portal to another dimension.
the eiffel tower in new york is truly one of my fave places to be 🥰
When I was 15 I was in hospital over Hallowe'en and the nurses let me watch The Craft and Scream after all the kids went to bed (I was the oldest on the children's ward by several years). They switched it off before Nightmare On Elm Street came on, which was probably a smart move all things considered. I didn't have a bed over six feet in length so my 6'2" self was a little cramped and the blanket wasn't electric but I did get shocks from the static that flashed blue in the dark. Swings and roundabouts I guess.
In other news, Katya's New York oddysee is the travelogue we never knew we wanted but we sure as shit needed.