Things Straight People Like

Homosexuals like what we like. Conversely, heterosexuals think they like what they think they like. Since we are in the middle of the 11-month stretch of Straight Pride™, let us try to deepen our understanding of the customs and practices that this primitive nation holds dear. Here is a concise roundup of Things Straight People Like.

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Las Vegas

Las Vegas is the worst place on the planet- if you ask a gay person. For straight people it's Disneyland with amputees and cocaine cut with OxiClean. It's a bizarre mix of too glamorous in unnecessary ways (celebrity impersonators, buffets, stretch Hummers) and not glamorous enough in very fundamental ways (strippers with teeth, available and modestly priced sunblock, adequate air conditioning). Las Vegas is a sad masquerade of what high school sweethearts from Illinois think it means to live large. The only reason gay people would be caught dead in Vegas is to go see famous drag queens- RuPaul's Drag Race Vegas LIVE, Frank Marino's Divas, and Celine Dion. If I ever go back, it's only to do a show or to try my luck on the Elvira slot machine. 

Overhead Lighting

I don't know what compels people to do certain things. Suicide, sexual assault, mispronouncing Chipotle as "Chi-POLE-TAY"- all puzzling chess moves of the human experience. But nothing is more chilling and self-sabotaging than casually flicking on that nefarious overhead light. Even Christie Brinkley, when caught under an overhead screen, looks like a bizarre mashup of Tan Mom and Charles Lee Ray. What do you think happens when the high beams kick in over your desk at the office Christmas party? Your pores deepen by centimeters and your brows furrow like The Grinch stepping in dog mess. Gays have tapped into a perennial truth that with proper lighting, you can bend the rules of nature to control your own destiny. The X-Men series was inspired by a nonbinary teen with a ringlight. At home, always opt for a few smaller light sources rather than one pseudo-sun pinned to the ceiling cradled by a glass bowl filled with dead bugs.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I remember where I was when I heard that Dwayne Johnson was the highest paid actor in Hollywood. I was standing outside of a Coldstone Creamery with a triple scoop bowl of Birthday Cake Remix, the most iconic ice cream flavor of all time. This information entered my cochlea, was processed by my brain, and resulted in all three scoops to be remixed on the pavement. It's not that he's bad. It's that The Straight™ Community believes he is The Supreme. Mama go watch The Fast and The Furious franchises- I left the theatre fast and I was furious. Once Paul Walker left us to go play Sega Saturn with Brittany Murphy, those films lost all meaning. I'll say this: I presented at The MTV Movie Awards and he was there being given some sort of lifetime achievement award and he was kind of gorgeous in person.

Universal Remotes

Have you ever seen a gay person with a universal remote? Exactly. Next.

Monster Energy Drink

This is actually a boiling puddle near a volcano in New Zealand, but what if I didn’t tell you that?

Gays have no issue with energy drinks. In addition to mainlining iced coffee, gays have Preworkout before the gym and Red Bull all weekend. But gays only fuck with Red Bull. Sometimes the hippie dippie gays will fuck with Yerba Mate but if you're choosing the organic healthy version of Red Bull, you need to just pivot to meditiation and adderall. Monster has some sort of gravitational pull towards The Straights™- specifically gamers and DJ's. My own mother even used to drink Monster energy when she had twelve hour nursing shifts- but she's an ancient Native American pothead who at this point must be kept alive by some sort of Ojibwe curse. Monster comes in an insanely thick can which is often used in dick pics for scale- which makes no sense because unless you have a truly magnificent piece, that can is going to make your member look like a bent pipe cleaner. Monster also has vile flavors such as "Bubbleberry," a spin-off on bubble gum. Give it up, Straights™- if you drink this, you are the Monster.

Words on Walls

When I purchased my industrial loft in the heart of the fast-growing city of Milwaukee, I knew I had to make a cash offer to guarantee the sale. Because I knew I wouldn't have time or energy to furnish, I asked the previous owner to leave the decor as is. I figured I could pick up a few succulents and frame some local art. Little did I know I had unknowingly purchased a temple of "Live Laugh Love" energy. The bathroom had a decal on the wall that said "Scrub A Dub Dub." The throw pillow said "Believe," the doormat said "Home," and the nook above the bed mused "Dream." I went on a full Selena Kyle Catwoman decor-induced rampage and gutted that condo like a fish. Is there any Oprah Winfrey The-Secret style wisdom to this type of induced suggestion? Does a decaled affirmation have an innate butterfly effect on our lives? I don't "Believe" so.