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Growing up, my parents were very easygoing. They graciously allowed me the judgment-free space to be express my gay-vampire-circus-goth identity on my own terms, but there was always one non-negotiable rule: you must exercise, and you must do it consistently. I could dye my hair, be gay, listen to Cannibal Corpse, but I had to regularly participate in some kind of physical activity of my choice.
My father owned a small karate studio, so for years I took classes there with my brother. Then I switched to gymnastics. When I left home for college, I found yoga and became obsessed, sometimes taking two 90 minute classes back to back. I got certified, tried teaching, hated it, but I still practice on my own.
I am so grateful now that my father was unyielding on this. Back then of course there were plenty of days when I did not feel this way, days where I would dread going to class, especially a 4 hour gymnastics training session on the weekends. But now, I have the benefit of having laid a solid and reliable fitness foundation.
Probably my favorite thing about being rich (I’m a thousandaire, and for the record, what qualifies to me as rich would barely put a family of four over the poverty line here in Los Angeles) is being able to afford a fancy personal trainer. There are all types of trainers out there, all with varying levels of experience and expertise, and my trainer is fantastic. He’s gay as hell, very expensive, and he’s an expert.
The pandemic closed all the gyms and thus began a tidal wave of online fitness tutorials. I ordered some equipment and created a mini gym in a corner of my one-bedroom apartment. But after a year of home workouts, I’ve grown to enjoy the basics most—simple exercises that don’t require much equipment, and if they do, the gear is cheap.
PULL-UPS
Equipment: pull up bar ($40) resistance bands (about $40 for a set)
This is probably my favorite exercise, but the super band is essential. When I first got the bar, I could only do one or two pull ups and that was very discouraging. The bands allow you to work on your form as you develop the strength to do them unassisted. I do a bunch of variations to target different muscle groups. A typical work-out usually includes the following exercises:
Assisted wide grip pull-up: Keeping the elbows as wide as possible, reach the chest to the bar. This targets the lats and serratus muscles and will help to create a V shape in your torso. As these muscle groups tire, the biceps and forearms are likely to pick up much of the slack. I like to mix up the speed, so on one set, I’ll try and stretch out the descent to a few seconds.
Mixed grip chin-ups: A basic chin up with the one hand grasping the bar palm facing you, and the other palm away. I usually do a set of these, switching the grip half-way through.
L-sit chin ups: I love these because it feels like every part of the body is working here, which it is—these are intense and require a lot of control through the abdominals, hip flexors and quads. Full body exercises like these are such an efficient way to get maximum muscle activation in a single exercise. I like to hold at the top for a few seconds and then do a really slow controlled descent, and if I’m feeling it, I’ll try a few chin ups and then repeat.
Going down to get up: A strategy that I’ve found to be helpful when working on a difficult skill is working backwards. So in the case of the pull-up, you jump up to the highest point, and then try to control the descent as much as possible. This will help build the strength to pull up unassisted with ease. This technique works for exercises that seem so out of reach, like a press-handstand. Before you are able to press up into a hand stand, it is so difficult to feel that it will ever be achievable. So kicking up against the wall and working in reverse by trying to draw out the descent as long as possible will help to build up the strength required in the shoulders, upper back core and hips to get you there.
Jump-up Burn-Out: For my last set of pull-ups, I like to completely burn out the muscles simply by jumping up and slow descents with no assistance. This is fun because you can observe the muscle groups clocking out and it will be clear when you’re done because you’ll just fall straight down like a ton of bricks.
I have no idea what any of this said because I am so distracted by how good you look.
If I remember correctly, you once said that your dad bought you your first wig. And he is also responsible for the habits that led to your fit flexible body. So everyone who's ever enjoyed watching you jump into a split on stage while looking absolutely fabulous or do a breathtaking head stand onto a dancer's crotch should feel deepest gratitude to that man. Please, thank your dad on behalf of your adoring fans.