Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #1

Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant.

Welcome to the inaugural installment of Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

This week we are lending our expertise to a corporate gay stuck in the broom closet, an eager baby queen looking for tips, and a Fuckboy Magnet.

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

I started a new job in the pandemic and have only worked remotely so far, so I’ve never met my coworkers IRL. I find it hard to connect to people over emails and video calls, and haven’t found the right time to tell my coworkers more about myself. How do I tell them that I’m gay without, you know, telling them that I’m gay? I don’t want to be cringe, but if my clues are too vague, would it make them feel homophobic for assuming? Are there subtle signals I can send that will make them undoubtedly know I’m a gay? 

-Corporate Gæ

K: First of all, they know. So you don’t need to worry about that.  

T: If you’re sending away a message in a bottle about your queerness to GOOPED, you’re already as queer as a jade toe ring and about as subtle as Sarah Jessica Parker’s powerful jawline in a turtleneck. The camera adds ten pounds but Zoom also adds a few points on the Kinsey scale. In a weak WiFi connection, you’re basically Rip Taylor showing a PowerPoint about cork wedges. Instead of coming right out and dropping “im gay plz respond” in the Slack, start tossing your hair a lot and saying “honey” every other word. Even those asleep at the wheel in the office will pick up on your lisp on the word “synergy.” 

I hate to further burst your bubble no doubt inflated by this internalized Degrassi version of your life, but people at work are not thinking about who you are having sex with or wish to have sex with. Bob Smythe in accounts receivable is just trying to get you to sign off on expenses so he can continue to siphon packs of gum on the company dime. GROW UP, as maturing is part of being gay.

I have known for a while that I wanted to start doing drag and I’ve finally worked up the courage to try it. What are your tips for a baby queen who doesn’t have a lot of money and hasn’t even picked a name yet? 

-Future Drag Race Season 25 7th Runner Up 

K: This sounds like you are in the perfect position to begin a successful career in literally any other field, besides this strained, over-saturated and unsustainable new segment of entertainment that offers drag queens the promise of a financially lucrative future, when in reality, it is just so much more advisable from every point of view for you to just stop. The bubble is bound to burst, and at this point, as Professor Gina Gum, PhD wisely declared “at this point, the dolls are the dolls” and there’s nothing you can do about it. So go to law school, be a lifeguard, play the tuba, franchise a Piercing Pagoda, join a biker gang, own a business, suck a dick, be yourself bitch, just do yourself a favor and don’t do drag.

T: Next question.

Why do I exclusively feel attraction to fuckboys? When I’m around guys who are respectful my sex drive goes into the negatives, but the second I’m in the presence of a guy who will leave me on read and make me feel bad about myself, I tell myself I’m in love.  Is there a way to make myself feel attracted to someone who isn’t going to ruin my life? 

-Mrs. Fuckboy

T: Death creeps in through the gums and self harm creeps in through the peeney and Giney. There’s a bubble of protection created around yourself when you invest in a volatile, finite intimate encounter. Part of you wants the best for yourself, but the bigger part of you is a pretty but not pretty enough girl who is comforted in a relationship that has an expiration date. You always buy waterproof mascara because when the romantic end comes, you want to look tortured but still flawless. 

If you want men to use you like a Fleshlight, you can draw a line in the sand about how close you let them get. After you catch the hot load in your deep fryer, call them an Uber pool and get back on Raya. Look for men with kind eyes and a soft side- sort of like Ben Platt in chinos playing a ukulele. 

K: I actually think it would be more productive to take a step back and examine some potentially harmful misperceptions you have which may be interfering with your romantic fulfillment: namely, the broad sweeping miscategorization of a social group as “fuck boys.” Your apparent obsession with commitment could be viewed just as suspiciously as his unwillingness. And, by the way, have you ever even bothered to engage any of these fuckboys in substantial conversation or do you see them as merely means to a sexual end, the end being, of course, your own insatiable perversions?