Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #31

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hey Queens, 

I have recently decided that I am taking my dreams into my own hands and becoming a single mom by choice. I plan on getting pregnant with a donor sometime this year. However, I have no idea how to bring this up with my family. I expect judgment, concern, and lots of probing questions. How can I broach the topic and survive it? 

-Jess

Trixie: It’s amazing how quickly people overlook the brazen truth that one great parent is all you need. You are following your dreams and you are not doing it by waiting for anyone’s permission. No child is the same and no parent is the same. 

I will admit from personal experience that being raised on a single-parent income was definitely more challenging since children need constant funding for their little endeavors such as growing and existing. Children are selfish in their relentless strives to drain you dry financially. Good luck!

Katya: Motherhood seems to be one of those topics that everyone feels they are an expert on. This is especially true with people who have no kids, which is so fun. There is no right way to raise a child, and no perfect environment in which to do it. So, I would keep that in mind while you brace yourself for the judgment, concerns, and probing, you can reassure them that if they are so concerned about how you will manage as a single mother, well then I have a fun suggestion for them: help a bitch out! Rome wasn’t built in a day, it takes a village, and there is more than one way to skin a cat (that last saying is so fucking morbid btw) so hopefully you can guide them into a graceful transition from judgmental to cooperative, from concerned to helpful and from probing to fucking babysitting. Good luck, and get that baby! 

Question 2: Hey girlies!

I’m in a 10+ friend group consisting of only women, and as time passes I’m realizing that most of them are simply bad people. LGBT+phobia on a diverse spectrum, for some racism. I, as a closeted lesbian, ally to every other queer person and not racist, feels bad about hanging out with hags like that. I’m over confronting them about it because I don’t think they’ll ever change. Now I don’t know if I should ditch the whole friend group and find myself alone, stay in my current situation or keep only the good ones, which would be quite awkward for everyone. May I add that I’m doing my first year of medical studies remotely, so I’m staying at home all week. I need to work 8+ hours a day even on the weekends to have a chance to pass, so meeting new people is not easy. Am I a lost cause?

Thank you for your help,

a desperate french lez

Trixie: Honestly I think it’s part of the growing up process to realize that you only need a couple good friends. When it comes to healthy friendships, I wouldn’t necessarily consult with me since most people I consider friends are also on my payroll. However, you deserve to have a friend group that you’re proud of and not one that you consider an uninspiring liability. I would in fact storm out of a brunch with the girls and one by one read everyone of the table into the ground but that’s just me. I think the healthiest way to ask it would be to let these friendships become acquaintances and hold very little ill will. Take the high road – – literally even. Have an edible and watch Fantasia.

Katya: I’m trying to think of an appropriate French proverb to wittily summarize my advice, but I can’t so I’ll just say “allez-vous faire foutre tous les connards racistes” or something like that. Girl, fuck them hoes, it’s time for a refresh–you are not trying to be Dr. Dickhead with the shit ass friends. I know it’s not easy being lonely, but personally I would rather be surrounded by lovely fresh air, some beautiful plant life, maybe a gorgeous fucking dog, and be a little bit lonely than constantly mired in the unpleasant company of a bunch of ignorant fools. I believe it was Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias who said “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” Of course that quote isn’t necessarily the most apt, and she did go on to die of diabetes, but still. Doctor, get rid of those nasty leeches and heal thyself! Bonne chance!

Question 3: To my favorite Skinny Legend & Slutty Legend,

As we prepare for 2022 I am searching for a routine that energizes me and helps me reach my goals. My question for you both is, what things do you do every day that help you feel like the best version of yourselves?

With Love,

Someday Legend

Trixie: I would love to invite you to the exciting world of running. I love it for many reasons. It’s independent. You were only in competition with yourself. We can do it anywhere. The cost is no money. You sleep better, your mood is better, and you look better. In the chaos, drama, madness, and confusion of being a human who is alive, sometimes you just wanna run screaming into the night. And you can!  Just wear reflective garments for safety in low lighting.

Katya: For me it’s very simple. It’s all about the wiggle, and even more about the giggle. I need to move my body around every day, whether that involves a pulse-pounding workout where I’m pushed to the brink of cardiac arrest or an hour of sensual slithery stretching on the floor. Gotta get these old bones rattling around and make sure these muscles can still pull some weight. The key for me though is that physical activity can’t be a chore, just another bullet point on the daily to-do list. Working out for me is often the most enjoyable part of my day, especially if I get to do with someone else. I love yoga, swimming, hiking, lifting weights, anything gymnastic oriented, but I hate running or playing team sports. So find something you like, and it should all fall into place. Then of course, the second part: The giggle. Pretend that you are RuPaul entering the workroom to interview the contestants before snatch game and ask the day: “How are you going to make it funny?” When I go a full day without laughing, I know I am in a very bad place. I’ve only experienced one major depressive episode in my life, but it was several hellish months long, and it’s a miracle I got out of it. I wish I could say the reason I snapped out of it was by attending amateur night at the Laugh Factory, but that sure as shit wasn’t it. In fact, I don’t even enjoy watching comedies all that much (besides Hacks on HBO, that one fucking rules) I realize such vague, saccharine advice is probably as helpful as telling a child to grow up or french-kissing a stop sign, nevertheless, I will sincerely and confidently tell you to live, laugh, love every day all the time, hunty. That’s tea!