Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #17

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Hi flops! I’m truly in the midst of a moral crisis, and could definitely do with some advice. Around two weeks ago I saw my dad not only kissing another partner in the car, but kissing a man. I’m unsure if I’m to tell my mom that my dad is cheating on her, or go to my dad himself and ask him about this rendezvous. I’m not prepared to out my dad, but I also don’t think I can keep this to myself for much longer, every time I speak to either of them I feel like l’m lying to their faces, I also don’t want to confront anyone about this in case I’m blamed for an inevitable separation. Thank you for the listening ear legends, but some help would be greatly appreciated!

-15 year old daughter of closeted king!

Trixie: I think in this scenario you have to step up and be the parent to the parent. Your dad is clearly a closeted homosexual and probably has no one to talk to about it. There was like a six month period where I was really into going to paint your own pottery studios and I was so embarrassed I didn’t tell anyone. I let the shame snowball and my pottery painting got worse and worse. Finally on Christmas Eve of 2006 I realized I was just painting the words “help me” on pottery over and over again.

In heterosexual world cheating is this sinking dealbreaker that dissolves a family ecosystem. But your dad is at least part gay and gay people be fucking everybody. Your dad loves you and your mom so just approach him first and tell him what you saw. It’s his responsibility to tell your mom and you should make him do it.

Katya: I’m so sorry you have been put in such a difficult situation, and I feel particularly ashamed of my part in all this. You see, your father and I met a month ago at the Men in Music Business Conference. It was down in Orlando and I was so young, but I found him irresistible and one thing led to another and there I was, in the car, in my white dress, hugging and kissing on him while he felt all up on my legs. I’ll make a deal with you though: you apologize to me about saying I looked a man, and I’ll tell your mom about everything. Happy holidays. 

Question 2: My coworker has been a little out of pocket and I don’t know what to do, if anything. He’s always calling me (and another girl who also does register) cute and beautiful, and he’s 35. We are 16. It’s uncomfortable and I told my guy friends from work but they said it’s “just how he is” and that he’s trying to be nice. Anyways he added me on Snapchat during work (because I have an inability to say no, my fault) and I sent him just a regular photo of my face and he screenshotted it and sent a chat saying I was beautiful. It’s beginning to make me feel uncomfortable at work and nobody seems to be listening except the other girl.

Thanks,

A very creeped out gal who hopes nobody ik sees this

Trixie:  Sadly you are beginning to experience something that will probably never go away. Men are creepy. Whether you are in the spring time of your womanhood at 16 or a decrepit genderless soon to be corpse, men will always find a way to ride the line unsuccessfully between compliments and creeping.

You just have to give him dust. Sadly he probably doesn’t even realize how creepy he is. He probably actually thinks he’s being nice. You are the woman which means you have the power. The issue here is if you say some thing he will still have to work with this person who will then be spiteful or uncomfortable. If I were you I would make up a fake boyfriend. My friend Reid and I used to have a code in the night clubs if someone was being creepy we would walk up to each other and start pretend making out to send signals that we were unavailable.

Katya: I once worked with a dude who I’m convinced is the origin of the species of creepy coworker. He wore sunglasses indoors, would hit on every single girl who came in the store, suggesting they try on the sexiest costume we had regardless of what they were looking for. Then it became apparent he was trying to start his own “entertainment” company (AKA Being a Pimp) and we later learned that he was 20 years older than he said he was!!!! So much hidden behind those giant plastic frames. Anyways, we got him fired, so I suggest you do the same. 

Question 3: Why do all drag queens wear nude fishnets? Do they do something magical I'm not aware of? I've never even seen them in stores, let alone worn a pair in my thirty years as a woman. Enlighten me please!

-Nervously Nude in Portland, OR

Trixie: I’m so happy you asked. Normal pantyhose have a life span of 12 minutes before they are riddled with pockmarks and runs. Even industrial-strength dance tights are operating on borrowed time. 

Industrial nude fishnets have a way of smoothing the area and making the leg look more perfect under stage lights. They add some texture and keep the leg from looking like a tube of fabric.

I think the bigger crime in general is why don’t drag queens wear body makeup? If you were going to cover your face in a full coverage foundation but then have your ears and chest and hands and arms be your normal skin, you are going to look absolutely disjointed. Even women on the news wears neck and hand makeup so why wouldn’t a pimply old man in a nightclub?!

Katya: Nude fishnets, famously worn by the likes of myself, Trixie, and Beyoncé, are pretty much an exclusive showgirl stage item. They’re uncomfortable, but they give a firming and contouring shape to the leg that looks sexy and hot from the audience’s point of view. Unfortunately, color matching can be an issue as the companies that make these fishnets seem to believe that the modern human showgirl’s legs are one of only three colors: blanched ivory, tan mom, chocolate mousse. That’s why I (and Madonna) usually just opt for black.