Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #14

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hey ladies, my husband has struggled with insomnia since he was a teenager and it is always something I've been sympathetic to. However, about 2 years ago he bought this fleshlight machine that does all the "self-pleasure" work for him, and since then it has been an almost weekly cycle where on Sunday nights he doesn't sleep at all and then uses that machine literally all day on Monday so that he can "reset his sleep schedule." No joke, he's doing 8-12 hour edging sessions (where he isn't drinking enough water or eating) after having zero sleep for more than 24 hours. I hate this machine and I want it destroyed and never to enter our home again, but I also want to be understanding and supportive of his insomnia. What would you do?

-Caro

Trixie: Let me just say DAMN BITCH. I want to salute you because this issue isn’t unique in many ways (insomnia, different masturbation schedules, all normal relationship stuff) but in a powers-combined Captain Planet version, this is truly a beast in your life. 

First off, he needs to drink water and eat food. Does he exercise? Sounds like he needs exercise in his life. Running is a great way to regulate your body and become tired naturally in the evening. I also recommend a sound machine. Alexa will play sleep sounds or rain sounds or whatever you want. Or if he’s straight put on Jack Johnson or whatever.

I have so many questions. Where are you when he’s gooning out? Are you in the living room watching Top Chef and running the Roomba? Men are weird about masturbation and private about that stuff so I can imagine it’s a hard place to start. 

Also–you hate the machine. Do you think the machine is somehow part of the insomnia? If the machine left the picture, do you think you would have more sex? Would he sleep better? People are so complicated and the likelihood of finding a mate with compatible sleep cycles is very tough. My boyfriend snores like an old grandpa and sometimes I have to just shove him. I know at his loudest I would love to roll over and find him jerking off with some space-age sex device.

It seems like he just needs to find a healthier way to tire himself out. He needs water, diet, and exercise changes and he needs to reconnect with his relationship. Good luck diva.

Katya: With all due respect, and keeping in mind that I am not a therapist, private detective or clinical diagnostician of any kind, I smell a rat. And by rat, I mean compulsive addictive behavior. I am totally biased but when I hear “no sleep” followed by “8-12” hours of continuous masturbation, it raises an immediate red flag for me, a flag that bears a drug-fueled-sex coat of arms. I’m not necessarily suggesting your husband is a secret drug or sex addict, but this behavior definitely gives me pause, especially the part where he’s not drinking or eating. This kind of compulsive behavior should be addressed on its own, independent of the sleep disturbances, which of course also just really suck. I recently read a book called Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by psychiatrist Anna Lembke, who describes a long term patient she had who suffered from a years-long serious self-pleasure addiction. The book is a quick and fascinating read, so I would recommend that either for you or your husband. And in the meantime, I would gently suggest some professional help. This sounds very troubling for the both of you, so I wish you all the best! 

Question 2: Hi Queens,

I have a problem with my sex life. I have had a few boyfriends in my life and currently have an absolutely wonderful partner, but he doesn’t get me to climax. It’s not for lack of trying; he’s very *enthusiastic*. I have a fear of abandonment so I’m not honest about the fact that he can’t get me there. We’ve been together for 8 and a half months and I fake it every time. I did try to tell him what I need in order to get there, but it clearly didn’t click in his brain. I don’t know what to do. Help!

Love,

SoNotSexy

Trixie:  Girl, you just need to tell him. At this point you are protecting someone else by ignoring your own needs. And what’s worse is you’re letting him believe he is doing a great job! We protect straight men too much in this life. The longer you let him believe that he’s owning the throne, the more difficult it will become to tell him what he’s not doing right. Are you more passive or dominant in bed? I believe in general straight men like to believe they are Top Dawg in bed when in fact they are like a drunk baby trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube. It’s like he’s a dog that shit on white carpet and you praised him and now he keeps shitting on the carpet because he thinks you are cool with it. 

Perfect sexual relationships are forged, not found. He’s being bad in bed because he’s actively receiving misinformation from you that he’s doing a solid job. Clear it up sooner than later and he’ll be happier because he’ll know the difference. (How do straight men not pick up on a fake orgasm?!?)

Katya: I sit here with gratitude that I am not straight, and with much sympathy for your plight. Here’s my two cents on your situation: Let’s first focus on the positive. You have an enthusiastic, absolutely wonderful partner who tries, and you’ve been together for eight months. That is fantastic news. Now it’s just time to focus on getting honest with him, and facing your fear of losing him, a fear that plagues anyone in the first year of a good relationship. But I would suggest that more importantly, you might benefit from a shift in perspective. Last night I was watching Dune for the eighth time (I know, I need therapy) and during the scene where Paul and his mother are forced to fly into a deadly sandstorm, he has a vision of a wise man telling him “the mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to experience.” I’ve long maintained that sex is not a means to an end, the end being the orgasm, especially if you’re not just trying to get pregnant. I’ve always loved everything leading up to the point of orgasm, sometimes even lamenting those final moments, because then poof! It’s over and that’s sad. When a couple with different anatomies and thus different physiological ways of reaching orgasm link up, there is inevitably going to be a learning curve. And there are plenty of douchebags out there who won’t even put in the effort when it comes to getting their female partners off, so it’s nice he’s eager to learn. So don’t be afraid to continue to guide him, because it looks like you’ve got a great student in the front of the class, but he won’t make any progress if you keep giving him stellar reviews on his O reports. 

Question 3: I have a professor who I want to have sex with so bad. He is so extremely hot but sadly, he is married with children. How can I put aside my urge to have wild hot passionate sex with him for the sake of maintaining a professional relationship?

-A Woman with Unresolved Father Issues

Trixie: As someone without a horse in the game who can chime in for entertainment’s sake and duck out before the other shoe drops, I say wait until you graduate and then do it immediately. To hell with the family, because they are not your problem. You are queen slut and you take what you want. But wait until you graduate because you paid to be part of a system that is based on being graded fairly and education is worth so much.

Katya:  I am going to respectfully but vehemently disagree with my colleague on this one. Do not try to fuck this man. There are way too many horny dudes out there who are not your teacher.  Many of us have been seduced by that dangerous lusty narrative of the distinguished teacher and the hot young student. But sometimes the juice just ain’t worth the squeeze, and in this case it's definitely not. Consider this: I once knew a handsome professor in his fifties who enjoyed tenure at a major university. He was gregarious, charming, popular with his students and had a loving, beautiful wife and children until a sexual harassment lawsuit was brought against him for inappropriate conduct with one of his students. Turns out he had been secretly humping on many nubile young undergrads for years, and one day word got out and found its way to the Dean. Cut to a public lawsuit, a bitter divorce, and a distinguished career nearly thrown in the dumpster. I can only imagine what kind of grief and humiliation the girls involved had to go through, so long story short: the potential consequences for the both of you if anyone finds out are just not worth any orgasm, no matter how pulse-poundingly taboo. Plus the power dynamic in these relationships is not balanced, so there’s never a sure way to get actual consent, so I would just write some filthy erotica about him to get it out of your system, and focus instead on any of your fellow students in the meantime.

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