Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #32

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: As a depressed, gay, shy teenager with crippling anxiety, I have pretty much 0 confidence. I want to make friends so badly but I'm just way too anxious to ever speak to anyone. I joined a new dance studio this year where everyone has known each other for 5 years. I really want to become close with them but I don't even know where to start. Please help me, how do I become friends with these girls.

Sincerely,

Lost Lesbian

Trixie: It’s important to not lead with your anxiety. Think of your anxiety as an unattractive pair of clamdiggers you keep stowed in the back of your closet. You know they are there and you accept that but you can wear something else. Breathe and smile diva. 

The only way I can be dragged kicking and screaming into a new friendship is when I have a friend I have something in common with. Katya is my work friend. My friend Mateo is my DJ friend. My friend Darian is my Barbie doll friend. You already know all these ladies love dance so you might as well bust out a copy of the Center Stage DVD and much on some unsalted almonds. I also recommend a living room screening of Save The Last Dance. Dance people fucking NUT for that movie even though Julia Styles delivers a comedically bad dance number.

Katya: 2 words: Liza Minnelli.  2 more words: Bob Fosse. Another couple: The Company, a riveting documentary style drama that follows one Miss Neve Campbell through her time at a fictionalized version of the Joffrey Ballet. How is this helpful to your plight? I don’t know !!! But good luck, and make those dancer girls your friends!!!! POW!

Question 2: Hello queens,

I've always had body image issues, and while I'm coping with them on my own, they always resurface when I'm around gorgeous people (in the context of dating/meeting new people). Also, how can a newly single girl meet new people without being creepy? 

-Ian

Trixie:  Girl who the fuck you telling. In drag I of course look incredible. Out of drag, I look like Dr. Evil’s bald cat. My body is so amorphous and genderless and sad. I have a giant dick and a woman’s ass. I have huge feet and a bulbous crooked nose. I have sun damage and tiny dark nipples and most days I hate myself. 

Gorgeous people are actually the easiest to befriend because they are usually vibrating at such a hotness frequency that they don’t even notice your flaws. They’re busy exchanging psychic message with other hot people about the woes of being sexy.  For example, on our tour we have four professional dancers who are seriously all flawless. They are all so nice and sweet! They can be intimidating but we have built a friendship on our show we do together every night. Looks really never matter in a friendship so having a pretty friend is a non issue. Besides- I bet in some of your friendships YOU are the hot friend! Let that sink in. It’s all perspective and you are fab.

Katya:  Girl, shit, if I fucking knew. I hang around models and porn stars at home and now I’m on tour with 4 hot dancers and I have never felt more categorically unfuckable. Sorry, but it looks like I’m just gonna hijack your question and make it all about me. I feel the same, and it doesn’t help that when I’m in drag, I feel great and I get lots of attention, but when I’m out of drag I’m serving middle earth. Anyways, I don’t know. I’d say you just gotta fake it til you make it, and remember that what other people see is not often what you see. I’m not often confident, but on a very good day, I’m…let’s call it “cheerfully compassionate” about my body. It’s there, it’s mine (for now) so might as well just smile at it. I don’t fucking know. What I do know is it’s a short life, so you might as well drive your rental car as much as you can before the lease is up. 

Question 3: Dear ladies, 

Thank you so very much for reading this message. I (M20) come from a rather conservative country and have been crushing on my best friend (M21) pretty much since we were young. The thing is I don’t know if he is gay/bi and I’m scared of ruining our friendship by asking. In fact, nobody even knows I am gay. Do you think I should confess to him or ask him out for a date (and in turn also outing myself)?

My pronouns are he/him. Thank you once again for your time and efforts. 

Sincerely,

Jonathan Doe  

Trixie: I hate to break it to you but if you don’t think he’s gay or bi he probably isn’t. I would say in this scenario, you should come out first. Then the ball is in his court. However, learning to be friends with someone you are attracted to but is not attracted to you is a skill you build up in life. Straight people go through it too! People get friend-zoned and they have to renegotiate their internal feelings for someone. Worst case scenario, he’s uninterested and you stay close friends. Best case scenario, you get dicked down by someone you love and trust. Win win!

Katya: I agree with Trix here, let’s get your lawn mowed and hedges cleaned up before you go sashaying into someone else’s front yard. Just from personal experience I would say that if y’all haven’t fucked around even a little, then he might not be “you know” But I don’t know shit. Better to take it in steps. Come out to him first, but don’t come out and come on to him at the same time. It might be too much.