Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #22

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Hello, Girls! To be straightforward, I hate cats. 

Loathe them. Can't stand them. They're annoying, they scratch you even if they like you and they're always acting sus. The thing is: we, misunderstood cat haters, are living in a world dominated by these ghastly creatures and their even more annoying owners, and so I'd like to make a bit of an effort to not dislike them so much. I think they're cute, I like to see them in movies and from a distance and I lol at many cat videos, but I'm just terrified of them and those snake-like eyes. What can I do to get over my fear of getting my eyeballs snatched by their claws and become a more accepting person towards felines?

-shithead

Trixie: To be honest I would say that cats are the least of your worries. They are natural predators and organically afraid of human beings so it’s not like they run and jump on you like a dog. Also they are much smaller than people so I don’t think there’s any way they could really do real damage to you.

However cat owners are the real threat. Pasty, antisocial, and unable to accept that they are wrong, They see themselves in these loathsome creatures. Cats take a shit in your house and hide it. Only disturbed individuals find this tolerable. Cat owners are suburban horse girls and should not be trusted. Godspeed.

Katya: My family had cats when I was little, and our first feline pet was named Fang because it bit everyone who tried to touch it. The second one was called Freddy because it sliced everyone who dared to softly pet it. Then the feline reign of terror ceased and we were delivered from evil by the most precious angel in the form of a chihuahua named Raul, who lived for 15 glorious lovely years. So, Shithead, you've got a card-carrying cat hater confidante in me. Of course, I would never deny that cats can be beautiful, and their mythology is fascinating but that’s no reason to house one and endure the incessant constellation of pain and suffering that they will no doubt inflict upon you for the entire course of their unreasonably long lives. Think about it–there’s a reason that a dog’s life flies by seven times faster than its human owners. Because those angels are gone all too soon in a hazy, tear-streaked flash after a lifetime of being hopelessly devoted to you. The lifespan of the average cat is biologically not significantly greater or lesser to dogs, but psychologically–those cunts never die, sustained not by the wet slop they eat, but by the torture they inflict upon the homes they invade and the families take hostage. So acknowledge your fear and take it as the ominous portent of a clear and present danger to be avoided at all cost, which is easily solved by your extreme and deadly allergic reaction to all breeds of cat. Evil dies tonight. 

Question 2: I’ve been struggling with this for a while and I didnt know who else to turn to so here I am lol. So, I have a friend who is always working 24/7, it’s like she does it to distract herself from her emotions. She never takes a real break from work and I’m starting to get concerned she’s going to burn out! Especially because a few weeks ago she got really ill and hasn’t really stopped working. Is there anything I can do to get her to slow down even just a little? 

Trixie:  Your friend sounds like an inspiring young woman who I see has no flaws in her priorities. I think your friend should be wary of collecting unambitious friends like brown wintery slush congealing under the wheel wells of a car. Next question.

Katya: Hmmm...I’m going to have to use my imagination, as this unrelatable scenario is so bizarre and unfamiliar it might as well be science fiction. So hang on just a second, and let me concentrate. Okay, so I’ve found that many of the ultra-ambitious, over-achieving type-A personality types sometimes have the tendency to be impervious to any suggestions from the outside, especially when it comes to their habits, lifestyle, and occupational strategies. It’s imperative that any change or decision is a result of their own ingenious brain power, so all your breathless pleas for them to take better care of themselves will go unnoticed unless they arrive at the revelation themselves. They are like bulldozers with no brake pads, broken-off side view mirrors barreling down the freeway and your concerned voice will never penetrate the noise-canceling studio headphones playing the latest Tony Robbins audiobook on repeat. The best thing you can do would be to say something like, “Remember when you had that brilliant idea of scaling back to avoid burnout?” Well, my sister tried that and now she’s a millionaire! Or, during lunch let it slip: “What was that wild thing you kept talking about a while ago, something about the link between emotional processing, self-care, and downtime leading to long-term innovation, growth, and overall productivity? Where did you come up with that?” You can lead a horse to water, but she’ll only drink if she owns the lake. 

Question 3: Hello Trixie and Katya- well, mainly Katya. 

I always enjoy your advice to others on Gooped. I occasionally follow it, buying the book you mention, or watching the tv show you recommend. I read your recent recommendation for trampolining as a mood boosting, fun activity. I have not been on a trampoline since I was a child, and dutifully booked myself a session at my nearest centre. 

I write this having just returned from the most humiliating experience of my entire existence. I arrived, a solo 24 year-old woman, to a deathly silent warehouse, full of trampolines, and void of any other human customers. Unable to back out, I put on my grippy socks, and had to bounce on my own, in silence, being watched intently by the 15 bored teenagers staffing the establishment. It was a form of torture. I had no way out, stuck jumping up and down, each awkward landing a further punch to my bruised ego, each second filled with self hatred at my incredibly poor life choices.

My question is– how can I ever recover from this utter humiliation? And how can I ever forgive you?!

Yours,

A Solo Trampolining Loser 

Trixie: Listen- one man’s fantasy is another man’s enduring sexual assault. It’s important to follow the direction offered in GOOPED with a big fat grain of salt. Two men in wigs being compasses to your personal growth is already a lot to take on. You must lower your expectations of the quality in our recommendations. I mean last week I recommended “being tall.”

You have to remember: The people who work at the trampoline place look at people jumping all day and probably don’t even think about it. They probably don’t even remember you being there. Humiliation as a feeling has nothing to do with what people around you feel. it’s entirely under your own skin. You jumped on trampolines at a trampoline jumping place. It’s actually more humiliating to go there and NOT jump on trampolines. Then you’re a weird jumping person watcher and that’s just unsettling.

Katya: Get in, Loser, we’re going Trampolining. Mary, there's a reason that the song “Jump” was so successful– it was performed by the Pointer Sisters, emphasis on the last s, meaning not one, not two, but three sisters jumping together. In fact, I even got the pleasure of selling a wig to one of those sisters (Ruth) and she was nice enough. I’m all for solo activities when it makes sense, even if it is generally considered to be a lonely endeavor like going solo out to a restaurant or the movie theater. Who cares!? I’m hungry and don’t cook, and then you’re in the dark anyways. So, long story short bitch, invite someone, especially someone who is ME next time, and we will turn that unbearable humiliation into inconceivable jubilation.