Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #5

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

This week we come to the rescue of the solitary, the sisters, and the singles.

Question 1: Hey ladies, I moved across the ocean about 1,5 years ago and (also due to the pandemic) still don’t have any friends here. I’m starting a new, more social job next month and wanted to know what are your tips on getting past the boring all-the-same conversations about where I’m from and engaging in relationships that are more meaningful. I feel like I’ll never find friends like the ones I have at home, and all I ever talk about is how different the weather is here.

-Fernanda

Trixie: I’m going to solve your friend-making problems very quickly. Alcohol. After three margaritas, everything you say becomes interesting. Every song becomes your favorite song. Every guy in the room becomes George Clooney and every sidelong glance becomes a beckoning gaze. 

If alcohol isn’t helping, I would recommend an intramural sport. I played in a kickball league during COVID-19 and I met tons of cool people who taught me how to smoke marijuana and shared my love of jogging. You need to find a friend who shares some sort of similar interest. My friend Mateo Segade and I both love DJing. After weeks of talking about nothing but spinning and music production, we realized we had accidentally built a friendship that would stand up even if you removed the initial core interest. My friend Andrew Yang and I met because we both love Barbie. We still nerd out about doll releases, but we are now just normal friends who met via a very specific bottlenecked interest.

Katya: I’m going to second Trixie’s suggestion and simply push it further. If you don’t manage to acquire a decent social circle at the bar, exploring the full bloom of alcoholism will allow you to access Alcoholics Anonymous’ enormous global network of  social gatherings. If you’re a drunk or a druggie in recovery, you could literally move to Des Moines tomorrow and have a solid friend group whittled down to a tight half dozen in a week and a half. The only problem is you might die or kill someone or both in the lead up, so, you know, drink responsibly. But not too responsibly, um, you know what I mean.

Question 2: Hey ladies, I need some advice. Basically my little sister sucks. She’s 14 and gets all her opinions from TikTok, so she’s wrong all the time, very ignorant, and doesn’t understand nuance. My older sister and I have tried to explain things to her in a calm way but every time we do she just flips out at us and starts to sound like JK Rowling’s Twitter feed. She is a sweet girl and has mental health problems so I try not to be too harsh (but she’s also a hyper sensitive baby). Do y’all have any ideas on how I can approach the situation without making her feel too bad? She absolutely sucks but I don’t want her to think I think that.

-Struggling Sister

Trixie: Your sister is fourteen years old. Ask yourself;  what does a well-adjusted and well-informed 8th grader look like? She sadly looks exactly like your mentally-ill sister. As her body gets flooded with hormones and her brain matures from an little baby acorn to a big fat walnut, she will find herself experimenting with many ideas- Wicca, MAGA, or even GOOP. When I was 14, I stood outside a local circus and handed out pamphlets with pictures of elephants being tortured on them to people who didn’t care. I’m sure I achieved nothing in my small town of Wausaukee, WI, but I felt like I was the only one around me who cared enough. Looking back, I probably could have saved a few dollars and made a small monetary donation to an animal rights group, but I was a flooded engine of hormonal fluids. Remember that the ultimate gaslighting is by puberty.

Katya: I concur with the above so suffice it to say, in the immortal words of the Earth’s greatest basketball champion Michael Jordan, fuck them kids.  

Question 3: My brother is getting married soon and I am chronically, terminally single. I have never been in a relationship in my life and I can’t even imagine getting into one between now and the wedding day. How do I find someone who will be a normal and nice date at my brother’s wedding? 

-Angela McLonely

Trixie: As it is in many of life’s prodding predicaments, sex workers are the answer. There are wonderful individuals who are stunning and available to provide you with companionship for a short while. You might have to foot the bill at Men’s Wearhouse (most sex workers don’t regularly sport a suit) but you will want your companion perfectly wrapped when you arrive at your brother’s wedding and everyone’s jaws hit the floor. Sex workers are a beautiful cross between artists and caregivers and are can give you any type of experience you want. Would you prefer a bubbly life-of-the-party wingman or a stoic sexy arm candy? Dial it in, tip generously, and most importantly get your story straight. You’re going to have to roll in there with some clear-cut narrative points so that Aunt Myrtle doesn’t see that the Men’s Wearhouse tags are still on the suit. 

Katya: I’ve been to 5 or 6 weddings alone and I’ve found the best wedding dates are the ones who are not actually there. If the attendance is large, you can easily get away with convincing people your significant other is in the bathroom, or helping out in the kitchen, or tending to an important personal matter in the barn. Just decide on a name before you get there and stick to it, otherwise you’ll run the risk of having a meltdown and crying on someone’s big day is absolutely off the table. If you are going to make a scene, stick to the script and just say you and Greg are having another one of your « episodes » and run out of the reception and head home.