Long Time Caller First Time Listener #15

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

Editor’s note: This one is, like, really dark. If you’re looking for some lighthearted reading, sit this one out and check out our archive.

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: As with many white Midwestern mothers, over the pandemic, my mom has become entrenched in Qanon conspiracies. As an extremely anxious teenager (I’m sorry to tell you, but I, one of your fans, am indeed a high school girl), I always felt like my mom was the only I could feel safe around. Now she’s recommending horse tranquilizer to my arthritic grandfather and telling her new “friends” that every liberal celebrity is a baby-murdering antichrist. I know how easy it is to make fun of these types of people, but it is definitely not fun to be related to them. Any advice?

-Anon

Trixie: It’s hard. My mom is a Midwesterner and for a while she worked as a telemarketer type calling older people in the area and telling them where they could get their COVID vaccines. She found the job difficult at times because people would respond to her with “No thank you, I don’t want the government to turn me into a zombie,” or “No thank you, Joe Biden wants to put a microchip in me.” It’s fun to laugh at the absurdity of this type of stuff when it’s parodied on SNL or in a twitter meme, but if you take a couple wrong turns on Facebook, you stumble right into a place where it is no longer a joke.

When I asked my mom how she felt, she said she feels bad because there's so much misinformation out there. However, I feel that access to correct information has never been easier. I understand that there’s layers in this mess because places like The New York Times have information behind a paywall while Fox News is free. I understand that the internet starts to feed you things based on what you search for as well. If you search for 9/11 conspiracy theories a few times, certain algorithms will decide you need to see it for the next four weeks. It’s the same reason why people who are conservative end up with so much LGBTQIA-focused content suggested to them–because they are often very attracted to these queer folks and can’t really be honest with themselves. 

I know I’m off the path a little here and sexuality isn’t the same as political views, so let's get back to your family. It’s important to protect those around you from your mom’s harmful beliefs. However, it’s unlikely you’ll change her mind at all. I would say the best strategy is to conveniently forget to tell her when Election Day is. Tell her to her face she’s in a cult. Tell her she is willfully ignorant and you’re afraid that she’s sharing minds with harmful people and harmful ideas. It’s hard, but you’d want her to help you, right?

Again, know you might never get what you want out of these conversations. But you’ll feel worse if you never try. I have family members who are Trump voters as well as family members who don’t vote at all. It’s really hard. There is no right answer. Focus on letting yourself off the hook a little and looking out for your happiness first. I recommend a new lip color or nail color. Something bright and fun and under $10. Changes your whole day–seriously.

Katya: With all due respect, I think it’s time for Mom to go. I know someone who can take care of it discreetly and cheaply.

Question 2: Ladies, say you are somewhat hometown famous due to a horrific, newsworthy family tragedy (we're talking people stop talking when you enter a party, ooky spooky level event). Besides becoming a world famous drag queen with a passion for makeup artistry, what's another way to become so interesting that you absolutely eclipse the thing that has shadowed all your other life's accomplishments and personality in other people's eyes? I just want this thing to not be the most interesting thing about me!

Sincerely,

Girl in the News

Trixie:  Weirdly it sounds like this is something people might know about you but that people won’t actually bring up to your face. It’s not the same, but on Grindr everyone knows who I am but they pretend they don’t know which just makes it strange. They’re like, “What do you do for a living?”and then I go to their Instagram and they already follow me.

Basically, you’re starting every social interaction with some inequity but that’s okay. They know slightly more about you than you do about them. But once you get the ball rolling, you’ll be on an even playing field pretty quickly.

Besides, I hate to be difficult but I’m just saying this as an across-the-board rule: no one is thinking of you that much. As human beings, we worry about what to wear or how our hair looks or what to say to people but in fact no one notices or cares. We think we are the protagonists in every story but we are an ensemble cast :) Unless you’re Sydney Prescott and it’s the anniversary of your mother’s murder or something, I really wouldn’t worry about it. Most people in the room are just in their own heads thinking, “Do I have bad breath? Is my oven still on? Did I lock my front door?” Just be yourself and wear perfume. 

Also not to be a fag but if you wear lashes you’ll feel so pretty and confident. Every social interaction will just unfurl with no effort.

Katya: I agree with Trixie’s point that most of us are so self-conscious, we’re not even paying attention to other people. Even so,  it’s really hard to control how and what people think of you, especially in a small town where maybe you’ve accidentally burned off the head of the mayor’s penis. It doesn’t matter what really happened; they’ll just think what they think, and that’s pretty much it. If you do go and find the cure for AIDS or cancer, then that’s great! Just be aware you’ll still probably be known (at least locally) as the girl who burned off the mayor’s penis and cured AIDS. 

Question 3: I recently lost my favorite uncle. He never truly “came out” to my homophobic, Catholic family before he died…but they knew. These are the kind of people who will laugh and tell the story of how my grandfather would try to “beat the sissy” out of him. Hilarious hate crime. How can I best be respectful of my closeted loved one’s privacy when it feels so wrong to not acknowledge his “roommate” as the love of his life? I don’t want to put any labels on him he wouldn’t have been comfortable with, but I hate feeling as if it’s this shameful secret we’re all carefully avoiding. His obituary said nothing about him other than that he was a deeply religious man. It felt like a very pointed warning not to suggest anything otherwise because that would mean he’s going to Hell. I want to scream at them all that there is absolutely nothing wrong with who he was or who he loved, but would that be considered outing him? I’m sure my family has totally sidelined his partner and he deserves to feel included and accepted and understood. I just want to make sure I’m handling this with sensitivity. To him and his partner of course, not my awful family. Please help.

-Sadison

Trixie: SADISON! Sadision, my little angel. You are a deeply empathetic person and I wish the world was full of people like you. It’s tough because you want to protect your uncle who was obviously for many reasons a very private person. But you don’t want to let him be made fun or of shamed posthumously for being gay. I can’t relate at all because my family and boyfriends family has always been very accepting of queerness–which by the way is very easy to take for granted until a situation like yours comes along and I remember how important it is to be fundamentally seen.

Your uncle sadly had to hide out his whole life because of the oppression that was built up around him. My favorite author, Augusten Burroughs, says that shame is a landfill emotion, meaning it isn’t there organically, but it gets put upon you by others. People like your uncle survived under greater oppression than you or I have to experience. I think the best way to to honor him is to be queer or a queer ally as loudly as possible. People like your uncle made it possible for people like me to even have GOOPED to talk about things like this. <3

Katya: You are so lovely and thoughtful, Sadison. Since the dead no longer speak (except to me), their secrets often remain veiled but I think you can respect and acknowledge your uncle by making sure none of those around you who are still alive receive the same kind of homophobic treatment. It sounds like your family has got some lessons to learn, and since they’re Catholic, you may want to point them in the direction of some of the current Pope’s refreshingly progressive teachings on love and compassion. Catholics are tough; I know because I am one. Good luck and peace be with you.