Long Time Caller First Time Listener #4

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

This week, we answer the calls of three ladies trying to ~have it all~.

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

Question 1:

I'm in a cushy, corporate job, but reaching the point where the pay isn't worth the daily feeling of being abused and demoralized. The kicker is the company provides amazing benefits and resources -- which are needed to cope with the constant fuckery --  but the job's not fulfilling in any other way. 

What's the best way to address the anxiety my inner dumb bitch is feeling about leaving and convince myself it's worth the risk? Having grown up financially unstable, I'm extremely reluctant to leave the security and comfort of the devil I know.

-Unmotivated Corporate Cog

Trixie: Reader I am so excited you asked this question. As a woman looking for clarity in a hazy lagoon of unanswered quandaries, I am your guiding light. Rest assured I know exactly how to help you and I have detailed it all out in just a few easy steps that are ready to be seamlessly put into action. Unfortunately, like any information worth gatekeeping and girlbossing, it is behind a paywall. Trust that issues just like yours will be addressed in an upcoming literary work on the subject of work- perhaps by two cross dressers you have come to know and trust. 

Katya: I, on the other hand, will offer you some free advice in the form of a series of questions. First, what kind of abusive demoralization are we talking about here? And just how cushy and amazing are these benefits? While I give you a moment to elaborate and compute the cost/benefit analysis of the pros and cons, I would invite you to consider that finding and maintaining fulfillment in any sector of the career world can be very elusive. I would err on the side of prudence here, that’s the name of my upstairs neighbor who likes to shoot pithy proverbs like “hunger is the best cook”  “passion won’t keep you warm in the winter” and “birth and death are an illusion” while she flings her garbage into the courtyard. She would surely advise you to stay perched in your cushy nest at least for a while, because financial security can give you the practical means to pursue and explore those often nebulous neighborhoods of desire, passion, and whimsy. If you’re toiling away at the bullet factory daydreaming about opening that perfect yarn store in Redondo Beach, keep in mind the sobering fact that doing anything for 40 hours or more a week is the most efficient way to suck all of the fun and joy out of it. So, I say, stick it out and save up some money, firm up some exit strategies in the 1 to 5 year range and in the meantime just remember we are all just fleshy bone creatures floating on a rock in outer space. 

Question 2:

I am amazed at how many projects you take on- how is there any room left on your calendar? From Netflix, to Unhhh, the book(s), a newsletter, a tour, the makeup company, 2 upcoming TV shows, the Pit Stop etc etc- I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

I am a 41 year old mom of 2 with a career I am trying to excel in. I get overwhelmed daily with everything on my plate and how to manage it. There never seems to be enough time in the day to get it all done, let alone do something for myself. Do you have any practical tips for managing multiple projects and deadlines? Any apps or technology that help you stay organized? 

-Busy mom of two

Katya: Hi there Amanda, this is Katya, and I embody the yin portion of the action/responsibility spectrum, meaning I am not particularly preoccupied with doing too many things, and lately prefer more of a relaxed work flow. Your situation seems infinitely more challenging than mine, as you appear to have at least 3 full time jobs: 1) Mother! 2) Mother: The Sequel!  and 3) Career Woman. That sounds like a Tolkien trilogy and I don’t even know what the hell it is you actually do for a living or if your kids are nice or rotten evil Hell babies. I’ll get the first couple of suggestions out of the way, which involve driving across state lines and leaving the kids in a supermarket to be “gently kidnapped” by a handsome drifter. But I’ll go ahead and assume you are feeling some degree of maternal attachment to your offspring. As a single woman in my forties with a dream job and an assistant, I cannot exactly empathize but considering I am as irresponsible as two babies and I ostensibly am a career woman, I know that for you and so many other women it’s just hard to find any of that coveted “me time” in the middle of all the mommy shit. My mom famously screamed one day and left for China for two weeks. That seemed to work very well for her. The best advice though always comes from Hollywood, so in this case, take the wise counsel of Rose Lindsay the Head of General Apparel Westin in the movie Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead as she trains her new assistant Sue Ellen; “don’t get overwhelmed and just take one thing at a time.” 

Trixie: Hello Amanda- or should I say A Woman Who Formerly Had Agency And Dreams But Now Can’t Even Clean The Child Feces Off Her Blouse Before Heading To The Grocery Store. As far as your dreams of finding balance, let me tell you something, Amanda. I am only able to juggle the chainsaws of my professional life because I have no tiny kneading fists crawling up my apron strings. I made the choice to have a hysterectomy at the age of 26 to pursue my modeling career and I never looked back. I say this not to discourage you as a parent seeking balance, but because I have never for one second underestimated the heavy lifting of child rearing. I suggest Pinot Grigio, edible marijuana, and jogging. Aside from the obvious calorie burn, running is great because you are actually running away from your problems. And there’s no way those little ankle biters you call a family are going to catch you.

Question 3:

Hi y'all,

Most of my life I've struggled to make good male friends. Female friends I have no problem connecting emotionally and mentally with, but men are an enigma to me. I know part of this comes from my fear of strangers and strange men possibly harming me, but I also have no typical hetero male interests like sports and cars. Queer men I can somewhat get along with but they still elude me sometimes. What can I do to make connections with guys that are meaningful and don't make me wanna barf inside? 

-Helen

Trixie: Helen, I am touched by your interest in the male species. We at Men.com are always open to new and exciting friendship opportunities. I do not wish to burst your bubble in this regard, but you really aren’t missing much with male friendships. Let me tell you something I found out in Men’s Health Magazine, a monthly periodical I peruse. In an article from last month, they were saying that men everywhere are very stimulated by The Clubhouse app. The Clubhouse app allows people to participate in anonymous conversations about a myriad of topics ranging from depression, erectile dysfunction, and marital issues. Men find the app helpful because they feel free to express themselves without shame due to the anonymous nature of the app. Basically, men can only open up when they are with complete strangers and only for a limited time. Does that sound like a friend you need in your life? I didn’t think so. The male species is on borrowed time anyway. Men will go the way of the SEGA Saturn and women will inherit the universe.

Katya: If you really want to fraternize with the menfolk, I would suggest doing so in the context of a co-ed group activity that takes place once or twice a week in a well-lit public place. Now for my friends, that includes a gangbang or bukkake but I’m thinking more like ceramic pottery or Italian cooking classes at the local community center. You could start slowly in a scenario where you’ve got the upper hand, such as a ladies-only figure drawing class that focuses exclusively on the male nude. You can get in on the ground floor and once you’ve got a decent foundation of a man’s anatomy, you can then think about branching out into fencing or Brazilian jujitsu. Just stay away from sports bars and live music venues especially of the Jimmy Buffet variety. Take it from me— “Cheeseburger in paradise” is not what you think it is, and I had to learn it the hard way. Good luck.