Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!
I concur with Trixie. I do NOT believe in coming out. I mean, yes, whatever, rah rah come out we should all be out yes love is love. What I mean is that you don't owe a "coming out" to anyone in your life bc exactly as Trixie said, you're not handing them an opportunity to be like, "Hmmm, wait a second. I sense I have some power here. Bc this person is 'coming out' to me, that prob means they're looking for my approval/rejection. What IF I withhold approval in order to make this about how IIIII feel in order to make you/queer have to suck up to me to soothe my feewings." No. You just mention your girlfriend or basically move her into the house like I did. Let both of your parents (separately) say, "Are you dating her?" Say, "Yes." They say, "Oh. I guess I'm okay with that." You say, "I didn't ask if you were okay with it." And they go, "Oh, well fuck my drag" (or something similar). Legit that girlfriend is my wedded wife now and they like THEM better than they like me 365 days a year, 24 hours a day.
All of that said, should you feel like you want to tell someone either directly or indirectly, expect a little self-involved pity party from the Straight (TM) and just let them have it without fear or judgement. They're being a Baby (TM) and so you be the Adult (TM) and let them have their Temper Tantrum (TM). Come back when they've cried themselves out and be like, "Here is a slice of pizza" or something else else nonchalant and then file the whole incident as Complete (TM). If they bring it up to you with the intent of trying to get you to grovel, tell them they are Bullying (TM) and that is a pre-2016 emotion that we no longer tolerate. Drape them in a queer flag (any one you fng want) and tell them that they had BETTER wear that to the Pride Parade or risk being a homophobe/transphobe. I've kind of lost the plot here a little but you dig.
Katya, vvvvv into the Steel Magnolias ref. Any queers who have not seen this movie (yet) and are up for a LOLCRY? Pour yourself a tall glass of wine, get comfy on the couch, get wine drunk, and then let it all out. You've got your Sally Field. You've got your Shirley MacLaine. You've got your Olympia fng Dukakis. You've got your Darryl Hanna. You've got your Julia Roberts. And you've got your motherfucking Dolly Parton as the most comforting hair salon owner that prob has ever (not) existed. I would've give one flying bouffant what she did on my head so long as she just joked at me gently.
Alright, I'm going to bed. Night, pals!
Oh, before I go:
P.S. Re: college admissions letters. Don't overthink it. I literally just got into an MA program at The New School by dashing off a two page essay and submitting it on the last possible day. I mean, I don't think it's the world's most difficult program but I did it on a whim and just got TF in. I think the gist of what I wrote was, in essence, this:
Hullo.
I am NAME. I am an old queer in NJ who took for-fucking-ever to get a BA and now I'm here to demand an MA. [HERE IS AN ANECDOTE ABOUT WHO I AM AS A PERSON.] I want to study BLANK bc BLANK. What I've already done towards this is BLANK. In addition to this excellence, I've also managed to BLANK successfully to the applause of many. Should you bring me into your school, I will be the feather in your cap for BLANK reasons. Let's blow the lid off this motherfucker together; you and I.
Best wishes and Warmest Regards,
NAME
P.S. If you don't believe me about all of the above, then call NAME, NAME, NAME, and NAME. Why take my word for it when you can take theirs?
I didn't hang my hat on trauma. I was direct and straightforward about who I was, what I wanted, what I'd already done to get there, and what I would do if I got in. I researched some professors that work at the school and stated that I'd love to work with these specific people bc of their specific skills and how it would help me develop my own. Sunniness and directness cheers people up after leafing through a shitload of sob stories meant to drain the reader of life. You can hit on some strife to show you've overcome a thing but don't hammer on it. Everybody's got shit going on. Okay? OK. Now goodnight!
I feel like coming out is so weird, like, my mom didn't come to me and say "I like to fuck men" so why should I go and tell her the people I want to have sex with?
so glad to see kate bush came out of her cave and became a lesbian 💖
I concur with Trixie. I do NOT believe in coming out. I mean, yes, whatever, rah rah come out we should all be out yes love is love. What I mean is that you don't owe a "coming out" to anyone in your life bc exactly as Trixie said, you're not handing them an opportunity to be like, "Hmmm, wait a second. I sense I have some power here. Bc this person is 'coming out' to me, that prob means they're looking for my approval/rejection. What IF I withhold approval in order to make this about how IIIII feel in order to make you/queer have to suck up to me to soothe my feewings." No. You just mention your girlfriend or basically move her into the house like I did. Let both of your parents (separately) say, "Are you dating her?" Say, "Yes." They say, "Oh. I guess I'm okay with that." You say, "I didn't ask if you were okay with it." And they go, "Oh, well fuck my drag" (or something similar). Legit that girlfriend is my wedded wife now and they like THEM better than they like me 365 days a year, 24 hours a day.
All of that said, should you feel like you want to tell someone either directly or indirectly, expect a little self-involved pity party from the Straight (TM) and just let them have it without fear or judgement. They're being a Baby (TM) and so you be the Adult (TM) and let them have their Temper Tantrum (TM). Come back when they've cried themselves out and be like, "Here is a slice of pizza" or something else else nonchalant and then file the whole incident as Complete (TM). If they bring it up to you with the intent of trying to get you to grovel, tell them they are Bullying (TM) and that is a pre-2016 emotion that we no longer tolerate. Drape them in a queer flag (any one you fng want) and tell them that they had BETTER wear that to the Pride Parade or risk being a homophobe/transphobe. I've kind of lost the plot here a little but you dig.
Katya, vvvvv into the Steel Magnolias ref. Any queers who have not seen this movie (yet) and are up for a LOLCRY? Pour yourself a tall glass of wine, get comfy on the couch, get wine drunk, and then let it all out. You've got your Sally Field. You've got your Shirley MacLaine. You've got your Olympia fng Dukakis. You've got your Darryl Hanna. You've got your Julia Roberts. And you've got your motherfucking Dolly Parton as the most comforting hair salon owner that prob has ever (not) existed. I would've give one flying bouffant what she did on my head so long as she just joked at me gently.
Alright, I'm going to bed. Night, pals!
Oh, before I go:
P.S. Re: college admissions letters. Don't overthink it. I literally just got into an MA program at The New School by dashing off a two page essay and submitting it on the last possible day. I mean, I don't think it's the world's most difficult program but I did it on a whim and just got TF in. I think the gist of what I wrote was, in essence, this:
Hullo.
I am NAME. I am an old queer in NJ who took for-fucking-ever to get a BA and now I'm here to demand an MA. [HERE IS AN ANECDOTE ABOUT WHO I AM AS A PERSON.] I want to study BLANK bc BLANK. What I've already done towards this is BLANK. In addition to this excellence, I've also managed to BLANK successfully to the applause of many. Should you bring me into your school, I will be the feather in your cap for BLANK reasons. Let's blow the lid off this motherfucker together; you and I.
Best wishes and Warmest Regards,
NAME
P.S. If you don't believe me about all of the above, then call NAME, NAME, NAME, and NAME. Why take my word for it when you can take theirs?
I didn't hang my hat on trauma. I was direct and straightforward about who I was, what I wanted, what I'd already done to get there, and what I would do if I got in. I researched some professors that work at the school and stated that I'd love to work with these specific people bc of their specific skills and how it would help me develop my own. Sunniness and directness cheers people up after leafing through a shitload of sob stories meant to drain the reader of life. You can hit on some strife to show you've overcome a thing but don't hammer on it. Everybody's got shit going on. Okay? OK. Now goodnight!
I feel like coming out is so weird, like, my mom didn't come to me and say "I like to fuck men" so why should I go and tell her the people I want to have sex with?