Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #38

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hi ladies! 

I am a 27 year-old business owner who recently opened up my own PR agency. I’m actually way better at being an employer than an employee and am mostly excelling in this new role. However, I have ~OCD~ (like actually diagnosed) and I CANNOT HANDLE when people have anything other than a spectacular experience with my company. I’m fine owning my shit when I actually fuck up, but usually people (boomers) are just upset with me for not moving mountains for them. As #WorkingWomen, what advice do you have for dealing with disappointed customers when you’re doing your best (which is pretty damn good)? 

Xoxo,

Kiara

Trixie: I am unqualified to coach you on your OCD. But Jesse Eisenberg has OCD and he’s a Hollywood heartthrob who everyone loves. 

As far as expecting every guest experience to be identically perfect, you are setting your sights too high. What you can do is treat every person the way you’d like to be treated. At the meet and greet I think of my youngest sibling who I love and I remind myself that every single person in line, even though they are a stranger to me, is somebody’s close family and friend. This helps me warm up to everyone right away even though I’m not a very naturally warm person. It helps me pretty much handle anything they say and believe me, the meet and greet is an unmetered parade of absolutely unhinged comments.

Also remember that an informed customer is a happy customer. You can keep their expectations in exactly the right place by keeping them enlightened as to what experience to expect with your product or service. When I worked at the makeup counter the more I informed someone about their products and tools they were purchasing, the more I felt secure that they would get home and love everything in the bag. I didn’t get paid commission but I still really wanted people to love everything they bought. Because they bought it on my recommendation, so it felt personal.

Katya: It sounds like you are a confident, capable person who does an excellent job and is committed to being the best version of yourself in the workplace. But it also sounds like you want to do something impossible, which is managing peoples emotions and experiences. All we have control over is ourselves, and no matter how great of a job you do, there is always gonna be some dumb bitch who thinks you suck. And guess what? It’s not your fault they have bad taste and it’s not your job to rewrite their history to align with reality. That’s all I got! Good luck !!! Xoxoxo 

Question 2: Hi Trixie & Katya,

First, I just want to say I just saw your show in Boston and it was so fucking funny and good. Can’t wait to see you again in my hometown in Canada. Also, your podcast brightens my workday every Tuesday.

Okay so for my question. I broke up with my girlfriend of three years while we lived together. She decided to move into the building across from me (I can literally see inside her apartment and vice versa). This initially did not stress me too much (not sure why not) but now I’m so angry this is what she did LOL.

So now I’m worried she can see me with new dates, dancing in my living room and generally just living my life. I refuse to live with my curtains closed forever (Canada has horrible long sad winters). I love my apartment. Should I wait until she U-hauls into another girl’s apartment (hopefully soon) or should I accept defeat and move? 

Love,

Sad lesbian

Trixie: The great news is you are lesbian. The bad news is it doesn’t matter if she moved halfway across the planet or into the spare bedroom down the hall. Biologically you will milk this heartbreak for as long as possible and will  probably get blue hair. You’ll also probably start dating someone who is either exactly like her or exactly her opposite. Lesbianism is synced up to the lunar charts and so life finds a way.

As human beings I think we all have main character syndrome where we think that everything is kind of built around us. That’s actually not true which is quite a relief when you think about it. The pressure is off. Your ex-girlfriend is not gonna stare in your window or be obsessed with you so you need to stop looking in her window and being obsessed with her. You are not the woman in the window. I’m sure at your core you are looking forward to a time where the two of you can be totally friends and everything is normal. You will get there faster by really letting her go.

Besides, the world is smaller than you think. Even if you are trying to actively avoid her, you’re still probably going to bump into her at the Dr. Martens store or the cat rescue. You are a tough bitch who is still deeply empathetic and you can handle anything.

Katya: When I was a sophomore in high school I discovered that my English teacher kept a bunch of mannequins in her house. She was unmarried and lived alone and apparently loved the uncomplicated company that a dozen dressed up dummies provided. I suggest you do the same. If the ex is gonna creep on your lifestyle, you might as well just go full on batshit. Forget about a revenge body, just go for bodies, plural. This will confuse her, entertain you, and will likely help move along the transition process. Good luck! 

Question 3: Good morning my gorgeous queens, 

I am a fellow gay and I’m having a sexual conflict. As a man, I’m ALWAYS horny and want to have sex with every hot guy I see on the street (I know, big Katya vibes and I love it). My only issue is that when I think about hooking up with someone, I immediately hate the idea of it and the times I do commit, I am nervous the whole time. I typically bottom, so for a while I thought it was because I didn’t want to go through the process of cleaning out and hated the possibility of getting messy. But at this point I think it might be that I am now fearful of someone saying yes and the idea of hooking up has become even more off-putting. It has beee almost 6 months since I last a good padge-pullin’, how in the hell do I get over this fear?? Love you two bunches! 

Best, 

Parker

Trixie: The news I’m about to break to you might calm you or stress you out further but I’m just gonna go for it. Every casual sexual encounter runs a risk of being disappointing or uncomfortable. That’s why it’s so important to enter into it with your own boundaries and freedom at the forefront. If at any point you aren’t enjoying yourself, you can discontinue.

Something we take for granted in sex with a partner we know and trust is knowing exactly what we are in for. I’ve had sex with David about five million times so I know exactly what time it is every time. But in sex with a stranger you really are rolling the dice hoping for compatibility. That’s also part of what makes it exciting.

You also don’t have to bottom for everyone. I’m 100% bottom and the number of men I let top me is an extremely slim number. They might pout but whatever bitch they can leave.

My advice would be to go in setting the expectations very low. For example you could say that you were interested in making out and jerking off with a potential interest in doing more if it’s the right vibe. Then you are keeping an open mind while establishing boundaries.

It’s also very possible that casual rando sex isn’t for you. Don’t let gay world hype make you feel like you are missing out. I hate beer and I never let straight people make me feel bad about it. Last night I participated in a flight of beers in Belgium and I hated every single one of them and I wanted to just feel included. 

Katya: Just jerk off and get a cuddle buddy. You save so much time and aggravation. I’ve been single for so long, mostly by choice, and 90% of the time, despite what I might say to the contrary on camera, I’m rarely lonely, I cherish my freedom and solitude and I’m just happy as a clam.