Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #13

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant.

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: As a young gay man in Mississippi, I have always wanted to find a way out of this conservative hell and follow my dreams to be a fashion designer.

Now, my only problem is I have no actual way of coming into my dreams. I’m poor, in college, and unsupported, so my question is: What advice would you give to me, a Halston wannabe, to map out my success

-Ciao, Truitt

Trixie: Ciao, baby! As someone who came from literally nothing, I am here to support you by being real with you. Your attitude needs to change yesterday, diva. 

1. Lots of people are poor in college. Most people who go to college have to take at least partial loans. You go to college to learn stuff to make money later. If you were inherently rich with a future of promised wealth, who cares about college? Sit home and play Xbox.

2. I know that having a room full of cheerleaders is very helpful, but you will find that most of the time in life you are the only support system you have. You just have to trust yourself enough to be like “this feels right.” I think we are half-psychic when it comes to following our dreams. I didn’t know I’d do drag for 15 years, but I loved hair and makeup, comedy, guitar, and Barbie. I just didn’t know what the Megazord of Trixie Mattel would be and how I would combine these passions into something profitable. 

3. I think in fashion design (like show business), you need to strike a balance between a product that is uniquely you and widely marketable. You can draw a hard line in the sand about what you want to make, but will other people want to wear it? Or you can make something very simple and universal, but will it have enough perspective and flavor to make an impact? The guy who wrote Margaritaville is one of the most wealthy musicians of all time with a combined net worth of over 400 millions dollars. Why? Probably because he chose to make music that is like an island escapism vibe and then build products/experiences around it. If you go to the Margaritaville Resort, it’s basically a 45 year old straight person’s idea of a fancy resort. Which is smart because his music is those same people’s idea of great music. Jimmy Buffett is balancing what he likes to make with what his audience wants to spend money on. If you notice, many big fashion houses perfectly ride the line between utilitarian and unique. Prada is a good example of this–very clean, strict clothing that still has some design element that gives it a little edge.

Also–being from a conservative place is a great place to start! Nothing stokes the fires of ambition and creativity like some good old-fashioned American oppression. Lady Bunny and Leslie Jordan–two amazing creative minds–used to be a busboy/waiter duo at a restaurant in Chattanooga when they were teens. Imagine that duo bringing you brunch! 

Katya: First thing’s first: let’s get you out of Mississippi. There is no one tried and true path to success in the creative arena, so just focus on one thing at a time, and it seems like the most pressing change needed is to save up a little dough so you can boot-scoot your gay ass out of that shithole.

Then, once you’ve landed in an urban metropolis (I recommend my native New York City), the next step is to stay focused and not get hooked on cocaine. The fashion world is an enormous industry; they sell everything from shoes to pants. So figure out if it’s shoes or pants that you’re passionate about and then go out and pound the pavement. Just get ready for long hours with little pay, weird people with unreasonable demands and lots of cocaine. (Don’t do the cocaine!) 

Good luck! 

Question 2: I'm a doll/toy collector but also a whore. However, I'm hesitant to host gentlemen at my place because I'm afraid my collection will creep them out or something. Is it worth warning them in advance that a whole wall of my room looks like a toy store, or should I just not acknowledge it at all and get straight to business?

-Doily Parton

Katya: I’ll let the expert speak on this one. Take it away, Trix. 

Trixie: Are you literally reading from my diary? I would love to speak to you on such a subject. When I bought and decorated my condo, I was never thinking of setting the vibe sexually and so I have learned the hard way that it's weird for people. My house is floor-to-ceiling pink and covered with Barbie and Trixie paraphernalia. I wouldn’t say my boyfriend and I are “open,” but I’ll say that we are deeply committed and don’t put limitations on each other. I have found that gentleman callers can’t maintain an erection around me in general. Either I’m ugly, I’m famous, or the dolls freak them out, but at least 50% of the hookups I have feature exactly one erect penis and it’s mine. When they begin the “this has never happened to me before” monologue, I break the news that it happens a lot and I discharge them from my life forever. I have even slept with porn actors who can’t stay hard around me and staying hard is their job. 

For you, I recommend saying “I’m a toy collector” or something ahead of time. But think of it this way- if they have enough homophobic self-shame that they can’t get turned on around dolls, they don’t deserve your holes. We as open gay people who embrace our feminine sides need to stop tip-toeing around these fragile cases of self-loathing. If you want to be gay with me, you have to be able to be gay with yourself.

Question 3: Hi besties! My boyfriend is 32 and balding FAST. He currently has a combover type of situation going on, with wispy locks of brown hair that stick straight up when the wind blows. He refuses to shave his head because he has a few moles he considers unfit for the public eye. Lately, he has considered using hair maintenance or regrowth medications to avoid the inevitable complete balding of his head, but I've heard rumors those can interfere with a man's sex drive.

I love him and I don't care what he does with his hair. Because of you two, I think bald is hot. Bald is beautiful. But he's extremely self conscious about his hair loss, and I do not think self doubt is quite as hot. How do I help my reluctant bald? Do you have any words of bald wisdom?

I love you,

Boyfriend And Lady Disagree, In Need of Growth (BALDING)

Trixie: I recently spent the hours of 1-6:30am in a ER waiting room in excruciating pain. To worsen the situation, I was freezing on account of a spiking fever and the TV played a singular infomercial for hours and hours. The informercial was for hair regrowth supplements and the entire situation made me feel bad. But I didn’t feel bad for myself–I felt bad for the type of person who this targeted marketing works on. The host of the segment said, “Some of you out there have tried creams, pills, expensive procedures, and some have completely given up and decided to just live bald.” She said it with such sadness and the studio audience all but wept at the thought. 

I think it’s really about perspective. I have bald people in my family who I love. I see bald men in the wild that have shaved heads every day. Men who feel that their hair is somehow linked to their hotness are so shortsighted. Shaved head doesn’t mean instantly ugly the same way having hair doesn’t mean instantly hot. I started shaving my head young because I wanted to make sure that when I lost my hair I would know what I would look like. Turns out I love it! I also get a lot more attention from men with a shaved head.

If I were you, I would tell him you would love him bald or with long hair. My boyfriend is chubby and he knew well before he was chubby that I loved men of all sizes. He knows that in private I jerk off to men chubbier than him AND skinnier than him. Hotness isn't the amount of head hair or weight dependent. 

Katya: Half of the men I know here in Los Angeles have had hair transplant surgeries, and a good few of them wear expensive and (mostly) unclockable toupé-like hair systems that require expensive biweekly maintenance. And of course, listeners are aware of the many hair growth products that we hock right here on the pod, but personally, I thoroughly enjoy being a bald ass bitch. My hairline began its long-form disappearing act back in the early 2000s and once I made the choice to just buzz it all off, I never really looked back. It’s just so much easier; I save a fortune in salon and barber visits and I cannot stress this next point enough: IT IS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR MEN OF ALL AGES TO BE BALD. We need only look to Hollywood for undeniable proof: Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Björk in the “All is Full of Love” video and of course the late great Mr. Clean (RIP). I once had a regular sex friend in his late forties who was hot to trot and bald as an eagle, but when he got naked in my bed, he’d try to keep his baseball cap on—ridiculous! So I would casually slide the hat off while he was busy servicing my between me down there, and it was an easy, breezy way of letting him know I don’t give a fuck. If I wanted to have sex with hair, I’d use one of my wigs. 

Of course, just because you’re comfortable with his baldness doesn’t mean he should automatically accept it. You could try discreetly planting photos of famous, hot, successful bald men around the house. Then you could complain extra loud about what a pain it is to go to the salon, and maybe pepper in some horror stories about how your Uncle Ted’s throat was sliced open during a haircut, and how your Aunt Linda would still be here today if she hadn’t been hit by a bus on the way to her weekly hair appointment. Drop a pamphlet about lice in his car. 

And last but not least: HATS! For me, every day is a say something hat day. Berets, Beanies, caps, snapbacks, sombreros, safaris, yarmulkes… the list is endless when it comes to hats, the ultimate fashion accessory that fuses form, function, style, and safety.