Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #29

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hey babes, I’m in urgent need of advice. I recently reconnected with an ex who I had not been in contact with for a year. We both left each other on HEAVILY bad terms. My ex made it clear she was now straight and wanted nothing but death upon me (a bit crazy I know). I have a friend who is friends with the both of us, which is how we started talking again. We FaceTimed each other for the first time yesterday for a “quick catch-up” and it turned out to be a 3 1/2 hour call. The first thing she mentioned is that she is bisexual (not straight anymore) and that she believes we are soulmates, but she was unclear whether it was platonic or romantic. I found her gazing at me through the call a lot, which really did flatter me. She offered to go for a smoke with me and catch up, but I feel this could turn romantic. Am I getting the wrong signals? Should I try it on with her again? Please help!

-Sadie

Trixie: Hello lesbian. Well you gotta realize that this isn’t about soulmates or love. This is an opportunity for you to create the terms with which you will allow those who care about you to operate with. I feel that it’s a sad but historically recurring stereotype that queer people end up wanting people who aren’t ready. You gotta lay down the law here and offer this girl who hurt you friendship but nothing more. Otherwise she’s going to keep thinking that she can push you around whenever she feels bisexual that week.

Katya: I’m a person who likes to live on the edge, but I am becoming more and more aware of these things called “red flags” which I’m learning refers to behavioral signals that are likely indicators of trouble down the road.  To my eyes you’ve got more than just a red flag billowing in the breeze here, it’s looking like a communist color guard and I would advise you to just keep stepping. There are a lot of people out there, people who are fully realized in their sexuality and sexual preferences and who don’t and likely won’t wish death upon you. So I suggest don’t bother trying it with her again, because when it comes to signals, this person’s cryptic code doesn’t seem worth cracking.  

Question 2: Hello ladies,

I arrived at the makeup party very late.  I did basically nothing but mascara and tinted moisturizer for 20+ years.  Recently, I’ve gotten into makeup thanks to a love of drag and a Bottle Blonde eyeshadow palette.  I love painting a strong wing - when it ends up even.  I am pushing 40 and have deep set eyes with hooded lids.  I lack the skill to paint on a wrinkled canvas.  Every influencer is a child with tight eye skin, so tutorials have been zero help.  I’d love to have eyes painted like Michelle Visage, but everything I do looks more like a Picasso painted by a drunk child.  Do I just give up and style myself after Amy Goodman?  What do I do?  Where do I learn?

-Little old riding hood

Trixie:  L M A O @ “a child with tight eye skin”

Girl let me tell you as somebody who exists in the YouTube beauty space and is about 10 years older than the average influencer, I feel you. Truthfully, makeup is very adaptable person to person. We all have different eye shapes and skin types etc. then, we all have different personal styles, aesthetic preferences, and sensitivities to products.

Basically what I’m saying is no two people have a makeup bag that looks exactly the same. And no two people have an identical process to makeup application. The other exciting thing about makeup is that it’s almost a folk art in that we learn to do makeup from those who we are surrounded by either directly or indirectly. 

Why am I saying this? I’m saying that any makeup style can be done on anyone. It’s just about cheating what you have. I’m friends with Michelle Visage and I can tell you up close she is literally flawless even without makeup on. But if you ask Michelle, there’s probably a lot of things she doesn’t like about her anatomy. Michele just is fearless with her personal style and hair and make up magic.

I think you should check out the book Making Faces by Kevin Aucoin. Basically anybody who’s anybody in makeup has read this book cover to cover multiple times. Advice to you would be to follow makeup influencers in your age group. Kandee Johnson, Tati Westbrook, and Wayne Goss would be great starts.

Katya: Little Old Riding Hood, you are speaking my language, and your struggle is my struggle. Let’s pop off these hooded cloaks, sit on a tree stump and chat for a bit (Granny can wait, after all, she’s already dead.) For over 10 years I have been doing my makeup for professional drag gigs, and it’s been quite the odyssey. As time goes by two very interesting things happen: My painting skills increase, but the canvas shifts. In fact, I used to have recurring nightmares where I was working at a makeup counter in Neiman Marcus and would have to do makeup on 90 year-old socialites. It’s terrifying, so I just stick to using my own face which is challenging enough. There are so many variables on a given day that can affect how good or bad I think I look. Dehydrated, not enough sleep, depleted botox, puffy or sunken cheeks, 4th day of full drag in a row, allergies, bee stings, acne, war-torn Syria, etc. Mary the list goes on and when it comes to Father Time, no matter what procedure or injectable or vitamin elixir you get, eventually you just can’t fight the moonlight (which inevitably will be the best lighting to view my ragged mug)

Anyways, enough squawking about aging. I have got very deep set eyes but love a strong symmetrical wing. I think Fena Barbitall taught me to work backwards, finding the outer tip of the point of the wing and then connecting it to the corner of the bottom lid and then filling it in with small strokes, keeping in mind that when the eyes are closed, the shape is not going to look like the perfect wing you see on a larger, flatter eye shape. Then there is the whole business of repeating the shape on the next eye, and like most things involving fine technique it comes down to practice, practice and more fucking practice, and then the right tools and materials. I love a sharp, well-pigmented felt tip marker rather than an angle brush. When the shape is satisfactory and symmetrical enough, then I’ll go and reinforce the wing and the top-lid liner so it lasts. 

I’ve done lots of botox and it’s remarkable what a difference it makes to lay down foundation and powder on that freshly paralyzed smooth forehead. It glides on and stays smooth. But my crow’s feet and crepey undereye skin is a constant challenge, and so I’ve realized that certain things just won’t work sometimes, like precise graphic details that the 20 year-old high school students rock on Euphoria. 

Okay, well good luck, LORH, and maybe try practicing on Granny when you make it to her house. She’d be the perfect test subject, just laying there all old and dead. RIP XOXO

Question 3: Hi Trixie and Katya!

I am a 17-year-old in high school (don’t kill me, I’m kind) and I have a HUGE procrastination problem. Before I started high school I was basically a straight-A student but I started the IB which is essentially university level courses, and am failing everything. Long story short, I’ve lost all motivation and there are days where I have papers due at 9 am and am up until 5 am writing them from start to finish. I’m not expecting miracles, but I wanted to know if you have any tips for a failing high school student who wants to be a forensic scientist but also kind of wants to do art and has no motivation? Oh, I also graduate in 6 months… I would highly appreciate it, even if it only garners a laugh!

Lots of love, 

Maja (Trixie, your Swedish accent is honorable but horrible)

Trixie: Maja, since you chose to come for my incredible dialect skills, For which I am known for in the theater world as a skilled chameleon with my regional accent work, I can tell you’re one mixed up gal.

When I need to be good at work and stuff, I set myself up for success. Juice in the fridge for the morning. Minimum seven hours of sleep. Drink tons of water. Exercise before class. I know the exercise part sounds awful, but when I had to sit in the morning after already jogging as the sun was coming up, I felt energetic, inspired, and excited to work. 

As a more important note however, I would like to remind you that you were a very young person who doesn’t owe anyone a game plan for your life. You may not decide what you want to do for another 10 or 15 years and that’s OK. In the meantime, think of getting good grades as a way of preparing for anything. Every part of your life will be improved by having a big brain full of knowledge. At best, you could become a great mind of our generation. At worst, you end up being a fun dinner guest who always has a tidbit to add to the conversation. 

Katya: Listen up hunty, because here’s the fierce tea. A true diva is never late, it’s the dolls who are early. Procrastination comes from the Latin “cras” (tomorrow) and those ancient Latin flops were not fierce, and never thought about anything but tomorrow. The diva serves it now, slays in the present, because that’s how the dolls are fed. If your fierce cunty serve truly slays, it’ll be more than worth the wait. Okurr? Tea.