Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #39

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Howdy ladies,

I have been dating this guy for a few years now and I started living with him for the first time about a year ago. He's a good guy, but I'm really not feeling it anymore. The unfortunate thing is I am not, fiscally, in a position to peace out and get another apartment so I am signed on to live with him for another year. He's extremely emotionally and physically clingy, and I know he will be devastated when I break up with him but it needs to happen because I am becoming increasingly homicidal (this is a joke). Given that we are living together, I'd like to break up with him in a way that creates the least chaos so that we can continue to civilly coexist in the same apartment. Any suggestions?

Thanks a bundle,

Gorgonzola Marie

Trixie: Oh sweet innocent young Gorgonzola Marie. Moving in with your boyfriend is a classic mistake of the young romantic. My partner David is the most important person in my life but we’ve been together for over five years and I still prefer to live alone. This is all sort of a spilled milk situation since you’re already here so let me help you.

Tell him exactly what you just told us. Tell him you don’t want to be together but it’s a difficult situation because you can’t afford to break it off and create the space between you. I can tell you from experience the most relationship problems get blown up because one or both parties isn’t sure how to address a a problem. If you are just honest about how you don’t know what to do but you know that you don’t want to be together, you are being the best human to him possible.

Katya: Don’t be sad. There is a surprisingly simple solution to this unfortunate situation. Actually, there are a few, but I’ll share one with you and keep the other two for myself. So you’re strapped for cash and you need to get the hell out of Dodge. I’ve got one word for you: Mannequin. Many people are unfamiliar with the 1987 classic movie Mannequin starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall, and for good reason: it’s kinda bad. I love it of course, and it just so happens to hold the secret to your predicament. All you have to do is find a shop mannequin that looks exactly like you, bring it home and dress it up in your clothes and leave it in your apartment with a note that says “so tired. Taking nap. Don’t touch. Love ya” And then you take the place of the store dummy and you get to hang out in style! I would choose a fancy department store where there isn’t a lot of traffic near the displays, but beware of ultra fancy stores because they tend to get all artsy with their displays and you might be set on fire by an ambitious window dresser. Otherwise, it’s pretty full-proof. And who knows, you might even meet a cute, sensitive retail man who will take you for rides on his motorbike.

Question 2: Hi Trixie and Katya, I feel like I am at the opposite end of the usual age range of your fans. I have a son that is almost Trixie's age!  

I guess my problem is that I'm now at the stage in my life where compliments are less "you look great!" and more "you look great for your age!"

I'm doing all that I can to stave off the effects of aging as long as possible - botox, retinoids, hair dye, what have you - I'm not going down without a fight!! But it's only a matter of time and it gets more and more depressing every year. 

I don't really know how much advice two young, beautiful women can give me but I thought I would give it a shot. 

Lots of love!

(I would sign my name but it's a very 70's name and it depresses me)

Trixie:  No I’m just obsessed with finding out what your name is. Debbie? Carol? Moonflower?

When you think about it, being told that you look good for your age is actually a higher compliment. The person is acknowledging that by natural law, you should be visually on the struggle bus. They are acknowledging that you have cheated time in a way. Congrats!

Being told that you look good at 25 is meaningless. It’s like being told that you are the prettiest girl in a small town . Being told that you look good at your advanced age is an absolute bouquet of affirmation and you should feel great about it! I’m 32 and I look about 50 and there’s nothing I can do about that. Let me tell you – looking old when you’re young is a lot worse than looking young when you are older.

Katya:  Listen, Edna, time isn’t real and nothing matters. As a person who has recently crossed the threshold of forty, here in Gay Los Angeles I have technically been dead for 5 years. Yes, it’s true that a youthful appearance is generally regarded as more attractive to our lizard brains, and that fact is exploited by capitalism into a relentlessly ageist consumer culture that will stop at nothing to sell you a $300 1oz bottle of Benjamin Button brand Crème de la jeunesse guaranteed to erase age lines and wrinkles, which in the beauty industry are more commonly known as hideous deformities of the cadaverously unfuckable. Bottom line, we are all the unwitting conductors of a non-stop chaotic symphony of decay. Sure the horn section looks shiny in the beginning and those strings start out taut and resonant. But eventually, if we are lucky enough, we’ll all be squinting at faded sheet music while wheezing into a rusted tuba. I’ve always loved old people. I’m not resentful of young hot sexies, but don’t forget youth is frequently wasted on the young and those tadpoles are often dumb as a brick and often beat with the ugly stick. Not sure if this is helpful. Just try to enjoy your ride on the oldie train, because there’s no sightseeing at the next stop, Deadville station. 

Question 3: Dear Trixie and Katya,

Hi babes, so recently I got dumped pretty out of the blue. We were together for two and a half years, I thought we were so in love but he had eyes for someone else, when literally weeks before he was telling me how much he loved me. I have such a good group of friends that have been amazing with helping me heal and have fun and keep my life on track since he had dumped me a week before my final exams period started. Dick move, right. Anyways, I've been doing really well in healing myself, but that tiny voice in my head reminds me too often that I wasn't good enough, when I did so much and gave all of myself to him. I believe I have a lot of self confidence cuz I'm a sexy hot bitch, but sometimes it's not all there, and I just feel so shitty and sad. How do you deal with heartbreak, not feeling like you're good enough, and getting over someone who was an important person in your life for so long? 

I love you both so dearly, my best friend and I have watched you for years, love you mommas. 

Love, Emma

Trixie: Oh my God Emma I have been in your shoes and it is horrible. Of course I looked better in that shoe than you do but that’s just because I have runners legs and a creamy even skin tone all down my calves.

Love and beauty is all about the individual. Two different people could go on five dates with you and one will think that you are the worst person ever and the other will think that you are the catch of a lifetime. 

I always think of the game the Sims because you start the game with a finite number of points that you can drop into different characteristics of the personality. You might choose to make your character more smart but that leaves you less points to make them charismatic.

I guess what I’m saying is I think we all have the same number of points they are just dispersed differently. I really love thick hairy intelligent men. And I don’t care if he is funny or charismatic. But someone else might feel totally differently.

Katya: I’ve never had a serious boyfriend or a relationship that has lasted longer than a few months and guess what? I love myself. Bam! I prefer to feel my heartbreak where it feels good, in an AMC theater.