Long Time Caller First Time Listener #3

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

This week, we help out a new parent seeking advice on piss and shit, a friend left on read, and a gal stuck in a wrong distance relationship.

Question #1: Do you guys have any tips for potty training a toddler? We’ve been working on it for a while and have hit a wall. Every single method we’ve tried to use to get her on the potty has backfired. She’s figured out all of our traps. She’s a genius. What can we possibly do to end this reign of terror?

-Mom on the Edge

T: It’s easiest to place the toddler inside the bowl of the real toilet. Close the lid and flush.

K: Children are notoriously suspicious of any outside influence when it comes to their shit and piss, so it’s best to get on their level and have a good old fashioned baby duel. Put on a diaper and piss and shit yourself and see who can last the longest without crying. 

Question #2: I can’t get anyone in my life to text me back. I don’t think anyone means any harm because they’re always nice and apologetic in real life, but what is stopping them from even just occasionally replying to my texts? Am I just that annoying, or is everyone in my life a Bad Texter™️?

- S@dfl0p :/

T: In ethical psychiatry, we often try to allow the patient to remain the protagonist in their own minds- but not without criticism. I feel burdened to inform you that no one is texting you back because they don’t like you. Colleagues, true friends, and dick appointments all engage in prompt replies because it’s a mutually beneficial relationship. If you’re getting the cold shoulder from an iPhone 12, maybe you’re not picking up on the even colder real-life shoulders in your midst. Try some statement jewelry and pick up an interesting hobby and maybe you’ll become fun to be around. I also recommend bringing up America’s Next Top Model because everyone worth talking to has an opinion on that show.

K: I am inclined to agree with the above, although as a person who has recently stopped texting back most of the people in my life, it is actually possible that you just have an unfortunate number of flaky friends. It’s time to branch out and diversify, make some new connections, dye your hair, change your number, learn some karate and pack a huge wad of cash and hit the road. New life, new people, new chances at happiness. You deserve it.

Question #3: My boyfriend and I are in a relationship that has recently become long distance until further notice. It’s been really hard to keep making it work. He just started talking a lot about long-term plans to get married and have kids someday, but I’m 2,000 miles away and starting to rethink this commitment. We’re both young and I still want to live with roommates and have my own life for at least the next 5 years. How do I get myself off of this runaway train?

-Sexless in Seattle 

T: Mary, there comes a time in every young person’s life where you have a realize that’s a dick 2,000 miles away is worth less than fucking nothing. If you were Tom Hanks in Castaway and you hadn’t yet figured out how to crack open a coconut, would you be comforted knowing that you had leftover Greek Salad in the fridge at your house thousands of miles away? As the sun bleaches your bones on the beach, you will have been provided no comfort. I would rather you find a right-now relationship that you can actually fully experience than continue to fuck with this boy-in-the-bubble lifestyle- and that’s coming from me, someone who has hundreds of dolls still in the box.

K: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and the leap off a runaway train starts with a single hop. So unless you intend to ride the express train of celibacy all the way to the end of its loveless line, then jump bitch. You’re too young to put that pussy on the shelf, so while it may not be worth it to burn the bridge with your current long distance boyfriend, it’s definitely time to play the field so put on your baseball glove and slam that ball into the fence.