Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #9

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: I've known this guy for some years now, and I’m genuinely convinced we are soulmates. We are exactly the same, to the point where we like and dislike very oddly specific things. He makes me feel this sense of comfort that no one has ever made me feel before, and it's like we are telepathically connected. We have both even confessed to feeling some deep connection between us, but I genuinely feel so silly thinking we could be soulmates, so I wanted to ask you ladies, do you guys believe in soulmates or could this all be a coincidence?

-little soft sheep

Trixie: Good news! We are all magical puzzle pieces who are unique–but not too unique. I believe the earth is littered with many different “the ones” for us. Each one has their own multiverse where we live a totally different and specific life that will only come to be if we choose that person. Maybe one of them is slightly better in bed but lives farther and away and would require you to uproot your life. Maybe the next one isn’t as handsome as you wanted but he does share your burning desire to become a parent. All of your “The Ones” are great options. There’s probably a Supreme match in there somewhere with the biggest list of pros and the smallest of cons, but there’s really no way of knowing. And our tiny blip of a spin around the sun isn’t worth wasting on such a fruitless endeavor.

My advice is that you have probably been lucky enough to stumble on that random pair of Gucci loafers at the outlet that fits you perfectly (metaphorically speaking.) Fate smiles on outlet shoppers regularly and then springs into action as they are showered with gratitude and self-assurance in God’s design. But when she smiles on lovers, we tend to overanalyze. Is this enough? Is this right? Is something more perfect out there?

Always grab on to what feels right and immediately beeline to the checkout. Decline signing up for the store credit card though because you’ll never use it and you’ll just get a lot of emails.

Katya: I am a die hard mystical romantic on the inside, but when it comes to advice in the outside world, I’m more of a cynical pragmatist. This idea of a soulmate to me is kind of childish and can be a little dangerous because I think it is rooted in the idea that there is only one true match for us among the 7 billion people on Earth. I don’t believe that each of us has one unique living true love, but what appears to be true is that you have found a wonderfully compatible person who shares a remarkable amount of your traits and feelings. That’s not magical or spiritual, that’s just really cool! But don’t be fooled, he’s not the only one out there–considering the numbers and the statistical probabilities and whatnot, there are likely 6 or 7 hundred people just like him in a 100 mile radius of you. So I regard the term in the same way a child thinks of a “very best friend.” It's cute but a little naive. A more practical version of this would be the underrated “sole mate” which refers to a  good friend who shares not only your tastes and sensibilities but your exact shoe size, because as any grown up knows, borrowing a clean pair of shoes from a friend is fun. 

Question 2: After recently coming out as a lesbian I've done the most LESBIAN thing possible and realised I'm in love with my best friend of 4 years. We are matching tattoo, spend Valentine's Day together, best friends. Our friendship history is extremely gay. She is "not straight" and has just acquired a new boyfriend that caused our first ever falling out because she completely dropped out of my life when she met him. Things have been different since this argument and I feel like I should just say something but HOW!?!? 

-Classic Lesbian

Katya: Hi there! I’m curious, have you guys engaged in any romantic behaviors of the erotic variety? When it comes to newfound gaydom, one thing I urge those who have recently come out is to not waste time with one way crushes and unrequited infatuations. Life is short, and we don’t have time to fall in love with straight people. I’m all for mending the friendship, considering you are so close and vibe so well, but don’t rush into any declarations of lesbian love just yet. Get a sense of the mood and the temperature the next time you’re together, and if the wind is blowing particularly sapphic that night, then by all means lez out! Good luck. 

Trixie: I can guarantee that your friend is straight. Why? Because when straight people start dating someone, they completely drop off the face of the earth. Even if you told me she once ate you out, this sudden ghosting with her boyfriend is the nail in her hetero coffin. They’ll either become that straight couple that constantly is fighting and breaks up/gets back together every other week, or they’ll become that straight couple that gets engaged in less than a year. All of you will have to pretend it’s not about an unplanned pregnancy which of course it is. You’ll be a bridesmaid with a bunch of girls from her high school that you have never met and you’ll have to pretend to get along with them. 

You don’t want to believe this right now, but if she was lesbian for you, something would have already happened. Next! She’s your friend, she wants you to be happy. Find a girl who likes girls–that’s step one. :)

Question 3: I came out at 18 in a small town and never got to sew my oats or be in any flings and met my current partner and fiancé at 21. I’m almost 25 now and have never been with anyone but him. He’s very monogamous and so am I but sometimes I just wanna touch another peen before I die...what should I do?

-Goody2Shoes

Katya: Chances are he’s probably feeling the same way. Monogamy is a tricky business and one rooted in a culture and lifestyle that doesn’t necessarily need apply to queer people. It’s very common for couples to open up their relationships nowadays, and there are innumerable ways you could go about that, depending on your comfort level. 

Now I must admit that the ascetic catholic in me finds the idea of mating with one person and maintaining ruthless and unwavering fidelity to him for life an extremely romantic concept. But it’s really just a concept, a fantasy, and one that might not be too realistic in these sordid times. One thing I really must scream about here though is that (just my opinion) I would strongly encourage you to disengage from any grand and horrifying “betrayal” storyline that seems to preoccupy a great deal of straight relationships when it comes to “cheating.” We as human beings don’t possess a finite amount of love, and we can fuck around and experiment and it ultimately could improve you and your partners sexual compatibility. Get a grip! In fact, go get a grip on some penis, ball and teste. And perhaps you can suggest to your partner that he do the same. Don’t forget the golden gift of gay—we don’t have to play by the rules, and we certainly don’t have to be haunted by archaic notions of guilt, shame and moral duty. So, go buy a hot dog, Brenda. You deserve it. 

Trixie: I won’t say that my relationship is open or closed, but I live by something I heard RuPaul say once. No, it wasn’t “Trixie Mattel your legs are so long and lean wow I wish I was just like you.” I heard her in an interview talking about her relationship with her husband. She said that she isn’t open or closed but that her husband was her favorite person. And why would she want to put limitations on her favorite person?