Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #18

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1:  Hey Trixie and Katya,

I'm Xylo (he/they) and I'm going to my first ever drag show in May 2022. Well guess what? It's also paired with a meet & greet and since I don't know what's right to say to a queen I've loved for 3 years...

Can you tell me what absolutely NOT to say? Can't wait to see you soon on tour!

Trixie: Congratulations on being the proud owner of a ticket to a meet and greet! That’s great news. The bad news is that Meet and Greets are, by nature, weird. Think about it; you’re not just meeting a stranger. You’re meeting a stranger for whom you hold a chalice of admiration. You have so much to say in so little time yet nothing seems appropriate to discuss. Your mouth gets dry, you start sweating, and you black out. Just a week ago I had a show at The Novo Theatre in Los Angeles and a woman flat out Petrificus Totalus-style fainted. She stiffened like a board, her eyes rolled back, and she laid herself out like a plank of cured plywood.

The truth is (and I’ll tell you the truth because that’s the type of woman I am)  that even the “star” in this Meet And Greet scenario gets nervous. What can we possibly say that can live up to your perception of us? We hope and pray we are funny/charming/smart and make an impression on you in the 30-60 seconds we are allotted to do so. More than anything, we want you to feel like you got a positive experience. Meet And Greet sales make up a lot of the money that makes live touring possible so it’s a very important part of our industry.

You don’t have to be amazing or funny. Just say what you feel and be yourself. That will work on literally anyone. And you’ll walk away so relieved you just played it cool and didn’t try to stunt with an overly personal story or an elaborate monologue.

Katya: Trixie’s got some good advice here, as there are certainly few guidelines for meet and greets beyond reasonable civilized behavior,  but then again I don’t seem to adhere to those. For me it’s mostly a time issue. I try to give everyone a fair amount of time where they receive 100% of my attention, while trying to keep in mind that there is a line of people waiting and a show to do, so often I am the one who is taking up too much time. Sometimes people just want a picture, sometimes they just want a hug, others want neither and will instead try to stab you for having sex with their father (I’m sorry Karla, and I forgive you.) In your case, I would start by figuring out what you want to wear, how you’re going to pose in the photo and lead with “I’ve loved you for three years!” 

Question 2: Hi Trixie and Katya!

I'm a 30 year old woman married to the love of my life. My husband and I go back and forth on whether or not we should have children. On one hand we both love children- I actually work with children for a living. I understand that raising a child is extremely difficult, but I do think I would enjoy the journey with all its ups and downs, and my husband agrees. That being said, we also enjoy our carefree lifestyle of traveling, dining out, and dancing late into the night. How do we make this incredibly important and life-changing decision? 

-To Breed or Not to Breed

Trixie:  Bitch I may hate children but I love, LOVE babies. So I understand the desire to be with child. I also understand the hankering to experience the magical experience of creating a life. Even me, a person who on-paper swears up and down that she doesn’t even want to babysit a child, will find myself lying awake wondering if I have disqualified myself from parenthood.

I wonder if you have really asked yourself: Am I that great? Does the world need more copies of me? Am I exceptionally beautiful or smart or talented? Here are some people who should do nothing but reproduce due to their inherent flawless ness: Beyoncé, LeBron James, and Dolly Parton. All of these Bitches are talented, humble, hardworking, and charitable. Are you an exceptional French braider? Do you have a full head of hair and a symmetrical face? (If you don’t have redeeming qualities that need to be passed on to the next batch of human beings.)

For me, for example, I am an unpreposessing bald fag with not great physical attractiveness and a family history of cancer. I also seem to increasingly unpopular views on individuals procreating.

Let me clarify one thing; I find parenthood extremely impressive. I in no way underestimate the amount of sacrifice involved in this very rewarding life experience. However, you’re closing a lot of doors in your life. I once dated a guy who constantly needed to step out of social situations to go let his dog out and even that was a lot. Now imagine that dog is a human and stakes are extremely high. Pass!

Katya: Well, as someone who is not a fan of eugenics, I think it’s important to note that every single member of the human species deserves the opportunity to choose whether they would like to have children, regardless of the qualities that they possess. I would just weigh the practical pros and cons of having and not having children, as they tend to be an enormous financial burden and a shop-vac that relentlessly sucks up your time and energy. What I’ve noticed recently with my brother and sister is that it truly does take a village, and in America, we don’t often have the benefit of a large extended family unit to provide additional support. Intergenerational cohabitation is rare here, but ask any new mom or dad who can’t afford twelve nannies, and they’ll tell you–grandparents can be a life-saver. I myself am famously biased towards not having children as I hate them, and considering the brutal economic and ecological armageddon that is all too nigh, I’d say skip it! But by all means, live your life and have those babies, you seem like lovely people.

Question 3: Hello Trixie and Katya my beloved.

I am a 25F riddled with hormone problems so I have problems maintaining my weight. That aside, I was at my best weight in 2019 and was on Bumble constantly scoring dates left and right. I think part of it is because I felt great in my body so I didn’t just look good but I also felt good. After the pandemic lockdown and health problems, my weight has fluctuated by 10(!) kg so I’ve steered clear of dating apps even though part of me wants to go on dates again. My best photos are when I was a skinny legend and I can't use those photos out of fear of catfishing, but I’m scared of using current photos in case I don’t get matches anymore. Help :(

-sick and lonely girlie

Trixie: Wow–it’s truly as if I wrote this. I, Terrance Manning, have fluctuated weight frequently as an adult. At my thinnest, I have been 185 lbs. At my heaviest, I have been 205 lbs. With the marathon training, I have arrived at a consistent and unchanging 195 lbs and I am just trying to ride that train for a while before I inevitably derail again with Cheese Pringles and White Claw.

It’s one thing to be very thing or very curvy consistently but being of a fluctuating weight can be the worst experience of all. When I’m thinner, I don’t fit my favorite clothes and I am constantly afraid of gaining again. When I’m bigger, I’m embarrassed of people seeing me and noticing or having my costumes in drag get more difficult to wear. So I feel you.

I find it difficult to practice what I preach in this department but I know what I’m going to tell you is true; your confidence is the most important part of the equation. Truthfully, the right person will not care if you gain ten or lose ten. They will find you hot at all variations of you. Your confidence, your sense of self, your vulnerability, and your willingness to laugh at the weird moments of dating are what will make the dating experience enjoyable. Super crazy hot people get very nervous about how they will be perceieved. And there’s plenty of dogs out there that never let that type of negative thinking in for even a second. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Everyone is going into a date a little nervous no matter what. The bigger “win” here would be to become comfortable with yourself. 

“If you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else?” Catchy right? I just made it up.

Katya: Dating apps are the worst, and I’m pretty sure most would agree that they are no substitute for real life interaction, where you can get a sense of a person within five minutes of meeting then containing volumes more information than any dating profile could. But they are a necessarily evil of our lonely times, so the best suggestion I’ve ever received is have someone close to you (like a best friend) help you describe yourself and have them take your photos. I think it’s perfectly fine to use photos that aren’t up to the actual date current, as we all fluctuate with our weight, skin, hair, etc. If i’m having a bad goiter day, I’ll use a scarf, and if that makes me a catfisher, then pass me my pole, baby–it’s tuna time! Most importantly, regarding self-image and self-esteem, and without diving too deep into “live laugh love” style clichés, what others think of us truly is none of our business, and I can assure you, no one has fixed the lens of their telescope on you to the same degree you’ve got yourself under your microscope. Does that make sense? Trixie and I have talked about this before–I am so happy that I am not the one who has to fuck me, that’s someone else’s job (and thankfully, not hers either). I’m not generally attracted to my category of guy type–I prefer to date outside of Middle Earth. So keeping in mind, there is no ideal weight, and happiness is a butterfly, I encourage you to not let your personal feelings about you on a Tuesday get in the way of you potentially connecting with a suitor on a Thursday. Plus, the best dating app advice I think I’ve come up with is share a 7 to 8 out of 10 version of yourself online and when they meet you in person, BAM! They are so head over heels in love dizzy that you can discreetly rob them, flee the scene, and work on your next victim. Good luck!