Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #24

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Hi Trixie and Katya, 

I'm a recentish college grad and have taken up tap dancing again since entering the working world as an adult. I took tap lessons over a decade ago as a young child and want to get back into it again. Do you have any advice for restarting a childhood hobby? I don't know where to start with tap shoes either. I bought the cheapest ones from the brand I remembered from childhood, but am willing to invest if I get more serious. 

-Tapping in Topeka

Trixie: A good old Capezio Jazz Tap is completely adequate. The jazz tap allows for more foot articulation due to the separated toe and heel. You don’t have to break the bank and they can last you years. I have a pair that I have had repaired/rubberized a few times for like nothing. Cobblers are lit and no one uses them!

When people get personal trainers or gym memberships, it’s not discussed. Dancing is unique in that it’s mostly for ambitous youths and zumba stepmoms. Whatever reason you are coming back to dance, you are going to be showered with benefits, Mood-boosting exercise, socializing, skill-building and the subsequent confidence of becoming better, and the best part is you have an excuse to go shopping. You could go subtle here and just pick up some new Lululemons, but I vote you go full gym bag that says “Love to Dance” and you get a tiny tap shoe keychain for your car keys. Dancing is cool and enjoyable at any level.

If you want to level your pussy up at some point, you could get tap character shoes with a heel. It’s a smaller sound but it’s nice to be able to feel super femme and/or faggy. I even glue rhinestones on my rehearsal shoes when I take lessons. The other people in the classes here in Hollywood always compliment.

Katya: I don’t know anything about tap-dancing, but I do know a thing or two about re-starting a childhood hobby. After about a 10 year hiatus, I decided to take some gymnastics when I was at college. I was just 24 at the time, but it sure felt like I was 64. Jesus Christ, the first round off I did nearly exploded my groin muscles. So my advice is keep in mind that you are not a child anymore, so take it easy, and don’t be surprised if you don’t feel like Shirley Temple right away.  

Question 2: Hi Trixie & Katya-

I'm a pussy-possessing woman who primarily has sex with penis-possessing people, but I've been going through a kind of phobia de dick for the last few years. I had penetrative sex pretty regularly throughout college but hit a dry spell for a year after graduation. Then COVID hit and the dry spell spiraled on, and now it's been about 3 years since I've been fully fucked. My problem is that in those three years the idea of penetration with another person has somehow become deeply scary to me. It's ruined more than a few hookups–we get going, I want it, then I get skittish when it comes to the Moment and chicken out. I feel overwhelmed, afraid of pain, frightened of embarrassing myself, and like it's too much to handle. I've enjoyed full penetration before in the past, it's the primary way I like to have sex, and I'm frustrated and confused as to why I suddenly feel this way. Have either of you ever gone through something like this before? Are there ways you have "trained" your respective orifices to better prepare you for the Moment, especially after it's been a while? Has anything helped??

-Why Body Why

Trixie:  I think the golden ticket here is to ride on top. You can settle onto it at your own pace and even set your own speed once you’re in like Flynn. Rest easy into the comfort that your pussy was literally built to accommodate a full-size cock. Your genetics and instincts will help you along the way because on a cellular level, you desire penetration. I don’t have a pussy but my instinct to be penetrated by a cock is powered by a windmill that weathered Hurricane Katrina. I am a bottom of all bottoms and being worn like a glove by a man is my happy place. 

I also think a lot of dry humping to the point of basically feeling like if you don’t get fucked you’ll die is a good strategy. 

Katya: I can assure you that you are not alone in this, as I found myself in a very similar situation. I did not engage in full receptive anal congress until I was 30! And you better believe I was not going to leave it up to some man to just stick it in and see what happens. I underwent a rigorous program of training over the course of a few months to prepare for an actual dick, and then of course I had to carefully vet the prospective partners to make sure their size would be suitable to me. I am not interested in feeling any pain when it comes to sex, so when the time was right, I hooked up with a man whose package was on the smaller size. Thanks to the diploma I had just received from my training course, I was ready to ride that man’s little weenie like the Kentucky Derby. At one point, I was really feeling myself that I didn’t even realize the dick wasn’t in for a good couple of minutes. So my advice is practice on yourself until you feel that penetration is a source of pleasure and joy rather than fear and pain. It could take a little while. Be patient with yourself, and you might be pleasantly surprised with what you find out as you explore the ever-changing mystery of the human body.

Question 3: Hi my mystical bouncing baby balds !!!! My anxiety disorder has gotten to a point where I feel like I can’t accept food or drinks from other people in the sheer gripping fear that it has been poisoned with a quantity enough to kill 50 people. So, like, how do I approach this? It’s really hard to deal with. love you <3

-Someone in need of Krisis Kontrol by Katya

Trixie: Believing that everyone is trying to kill you is sociopathic logic disguised as anxiety. In any of these imagined tragedies, you position yourself at the center of a story in which someone’s actions are revolving around you. Unless you are in the mafia or witnessed a murder at some point, you have nothing to be worried about. As a former server myself, I can tell you that servers constantly fantasize about killing every customer in the restaurant, then their coworkers, and finally themselves. As much as we want to though, we can’t kill you because we need your tip that only appears on the greasy tabletop after you’ve safely left the building. Congratulations, your life is worth more than that 15% gratuity.

Katya: I’m going to let you in on a little secret: the active ingredient in Krisis Kontrol is not actually Thorazine but good old fashioned tap water. So splash some water on your face and listen up to my shitty advice: You’re right and you’re wrong here. You are right to be suspicious about people sending you drinks–they do, in all likelihood, want to poison you. I never accept drinks from anyone, not only because I don’t drink, but because all throughout my twenties I spent too many nights in the ER because of poisoned drinks at the club. It’s such a waste of time. But you’re wrong about the food. If anyone is sending you food, that’s just because they want to feed you and watch you blow up like a butterball and gently pat your belly like a pig. So, it’s all about knowing when the vibe is about love or poison.