Long Time Caller First Time Listener #2

Welcome back to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

This week, we dug into your deepest insecurities– dating apps, desire for animal companionship, and death. 

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

I’m trying to get back into the dating scene but feel like I’m flopping on the apps. How do I create a compelling dating profile that will actually get some quality matches? Also tips for taking good pictures for dating apps? 

-Single Flop

T: I once read an article in my favorite periodical Men’s Health Magazine (I read it for the articles but also pictures of Hollywood men working out) where they interviewed the most “liked” Tinder guy in America. I embarked on the read expecting the profiling of a debonair, rich white man with perfect teeth. I was shocked to find that this Generic Gerald could not have been more run-of-the-mill. No abs, thinning hair, moderate career success, and exactly acceptable teeth. So how did this gentleman achieve such clickability with women in the area?

He updated his picture often! People get bored scrolling past the same expiring photos, so keep it fresh.

He was often photographed with female friends. Women are more likely to “like” a profile where a man is showing that he has good relationships with female friends.

Open with a brazen Wendy Williams reference. At least then you’re going to reach the right kind of people.

K: Oh this one is easy! Once I created an online dating profile at work and showed a coworker to see what she thought and she was absolutely horrified. This looks and sounds like a misanthropic curmudgeon with an attitude problem, low emotional intelligence and no interest in dating. So her solution was to fill it out for me, and wow, what a difference. The overtures came rolling in! So my suggestion here is find a friend that knows you fairly well and have them fill out all the questions and choose the right photos. A friend (with no outstanding conflicts) is much more likely to avoid extraneous or misleading information and keep it bright and brief, and sell you like the prized pig at the county fair. Oink!

I miss having pets like I did growing up, but don’t have a ton of time, space, or money. Do you have any recommendations of a pet that would fulfill my desire for animal companionship but still be a good fit for my lifestyle? 

-Brenda

K: Easy! Taxidermy! Listen, in theory, I love animals—who doesn’t? But my interest and love for them becomes difficult when we venture beyond the theoretical and are faced with the actual physical presence of animals especially if they are meant to be fed, and fed consistently at that. Taxidermy is an incredibly under-used and frowned upon art form that can also extend our love and enjoyment of pets and animals well past their point of expiration. Just because my Persian Long Hairs Tabby and Greta drowned in the bathtub last month, doesn’t mean I can’t pay 500 for an expert craftsman to wring out their dead wet bodies and preserve them into a timeless beauty that won’t piss or shit on the rug. 

T: Or, if you wanted a live animal, I cannot recommend a parakeet more. You can get a hand-fed parakeet for under $35 from a local breeder- or for a slimmer budget you can scoop one up for $15 at the pet store! They are extremely cheap to feed, live in a cage, and only require daily bouts of companionship and 30 minutes outside the cage to stretch their wings. But be careful to protect their very fragile lungs. I had a bird famously named “Birdie” and when she died of black mold I cried harder than I did at either of my grandparents’ funerals. I love hamsters too, but an adult with a hamster is a big red flag.

My coworker pointed out a grey hair she saw on my head today. It really took me out of it and now I’m convinced I’m the crypt keeper. How do I make peace with getting older and not being a young supple girl?

-An Old™️

T: I’m going to take a pass on this one and let someone more qualified take the floor. Too young, sorry.

K:  When it comes to getting older or clutching on to the bumper of a sports car, the saying goes Let Go or Be Dragged. Listen honey, if one gray hair sends you straight into crisis mode, you’ve got a big storm coming. And that storm is going to hail kidney stones all over the loose crepey pock marked skin loosely sagging over your brittle bones. Thankfully though, aging is a process that unfolds relatively slowly if you are paying attention, and there are so many avenues to obsessively stalk if you’re looking to rewind the clock. Or, you could explore a more holistic approach and work on, like, accepting things as they truly are, and cultivating gratitude for what is there instead of morbid fascination with what is slipping away. Be careful, though, you may turn Buddhist and start smiling all the time. Last thing, The Crypt Keeper would like a word. He lives in a castle, has excellent energy seconds after getting out of bed, and still has more hair than most Hollywood actresses before extensions.