Unpaid Spokeswomen #3

Welcome to Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

This week’s picks include smoothies and bikes. It’s a mood.

Trixie:

Maybelline Lash Sensational Sky High Mascara

I don’t know what kind of devil worshipping and ritual sacrificing they are doing down at Maybelline HQ but this mascara is next level. In cosmetics, grandiose claims of lash length and separation get passed around indiscriminately like Frankie Grande at Folsom. Ironically, very few of these products actually provide lashes as long as beautiful as Frankie’s. Maybelline develo[ed a “Flex Tower” brush that is thing and pliable enough to reach the base of the lash but with enough teeth to separate as it builds. I love the normal formula but if you like curling your lashes, the waterproof holds the curl better.

Earthbar West Hollywood

Do you like $35 cups of blended fruits and vegetables? As I sit here and write this, Katya just had three smoothies delivered to my home in Hollywood. Three puréed glasses of produce that cost $64. While the nutritional value of this menu is unflappable, the pricing is a flagrant display of gross wealth in America. Every time someone buys a smoothie from Earthbar and pays upwards of $15, they are choosing to strangle a homeless woman and pocket yet another fat $401k. However broken the system, the smoothies are delicious. I recommend the Flax Master or the Weho Breakfast.

Katya: 

Rad Power Bike

I had one of the best days of my life riding an electric bicycle along the beaches of the Pacific coastline listening to Lana Del Rey as the sun set. 

My friend had to force me at gunpoint into this bike riding excursion but I was so pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it, I immediately purchased my own very expensive e-Bike. With the battery, the helmet, the lock and the little gay basket in front, it added up to about $2,000. It’s heavy as shit, and I feel extremely embarrassed whenever I have to maneuver it up or down some stairs but once I’m on the road, it rides so smooth and easy and you don’t even have to pedal which might technically be illegal but I don’t care. 

Tongue Scraper

I am a big fan of dental hygiene, especially since the best tools and techniques are often very cheap and simple. A yoga teacher introduced me to this revolutionary tool that I had never heard about before and the first time I scraped my tongue in the morning it felt like I had been carrying around a mouthful of shit every day before that. Truly shocking, very gross but ultimately liberating. It’s just a simple piece of metal that’s easy to clean and can fit in your pocket. 

A metal scraper shouldn’t cost more than $10 and is more effective at removing the nasty shit in your mouth than a soft bristle tooth brush. Try it first thing in the morning and remember to scrape in the right direction (back to front)