Unpaid Spokeswomen #29

Welcome to Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

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Trixie:

Clawee

I recently found myself laid up in a motel room for 10 days with COVID-19. I watched so many superhero movies that I think part of my brain died. I studied my script for the Trixie & Katya tour until my eyes crossed. Finally, I needed some excitement that only video games have been known to inspire in me.

I remembered an app called CLAWEE. I raced to the iOS store and downloaded this crane game I’ve been meaning to try. Basically, you control real crane machines from your phone. The cranes are located in a warehouse stocked with tons of crane machines filled with tons of different prizes. Personally, I spent a few days in quarantine just winning Pokémon plush. I think of myself as rather gifted at arcade games and I found the claw machines to be a welcome distraction from my diseased status.

The best part is that when you win something from a claw machine, The prizes can be sent out to you in the mail. For me, I’m saving up a bunch of Pokémon plush to send to one of my friends who is a twitch streamer. Claw machines are timeless and fun but not everyone has the access to one at convenient times. With Clawee, you can have the claw machine in your pocket baby.

Gameboy Color

I don’t know what possessed me to bust out my Gameboy Color this week but I’m really happy I did. Someone bought me the Pokémon Pink for Gameboy Color which is basically Pokémon Yellow but you start with a Jigglypuff! I played my Gameboy Color for several hours in my hotel room and baby and got it me together. I am working to have a PlayStation, a gaming PC, and a Nintendo Switch. But this Gameboy Color offered a simplicity and nostalgia that I found so comforting. The gameplay was so calming. Obsessed.

I went on eBay to see how much Gameboy Colors are and they honestly aren’t even that much money. If you have any lingering nostalgia for your pocket video game system from the 90s, treat yourself. Smoke weed and catch Pokémon. 

Katya

Stretching before bed

Are you a young athletic coed who trains nonstop in field hockey or volleyball? Are you a grizzled geezer who is reeling from years of toil on the oil rig? Are you a mother of three whose endless responsibilities never leave her enough time to go to Pilates class? Is your name Barbara or Philip or Clarence? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you might be entitled to receive compensation in the form of feeling wonderful if you stretch a little bit at night. My creaky, freaky body has never been the same since I devoted a little bit of time before bed for a quick stretchy stretch. It doesn’t have to be a full sun salutation, your dog doesn’t even have to go downward at all. Let your body out of the doghouse and unleash your inner canine. It’s a dog eat dog world, but not even animal control can stop you from a little wiggle before bed.

Listen, I’m not a scientist (I’m a woman, after all ) but I would guess that people who stretch before bed live on average 30 years longer and those years are full of 73% more fulfilling interpersonal relationships and sexual experiences.

Tyra Banks Interviewing Beyoncé

Beyoncé’s interview on The Tyra Banks Show has cemented itself into the Pop Culture Hall of Fame due to a rapid fire Q&A with Tyra filled to the brim with Beyoncé-themed puns. Tyra shows a supernatural talent for wordplay, so if she ever decides to turn a second act, she would also have a promising career as a New York Times Crossword clue writer. Though in this instance, her desire to show off her impressive rhyming dictionary of a brain outweighs her journalistic inclinations.

I came up with a few extra questions to add if they ever decide to do a Part 2.

Run the World (Squirrels)–What is your favorite woodland creature?

Get Me Toddied–Do you enjoy hot toddies?

Driver roll up the petition - do you have five mins for gay rights?

Video Joan–Do you enjoy the breezy Californian writing style of Joan Didion?

All The Single Brady’s - Who is the ugliest Brady Bunch cast member?

Trunk in Love–Is there anything currently in the trunk of your car?

I am Masha Fierce–Did you enjoy Nine Perfect Strangers?

Gee-yoncé–Do you like clarified butter?