Unpaid Spokeswomen #28

Welcome to Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

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Trixie:

Margot Robbie in Anything

The fascinating thing about Margot Robbie is that she is Margot Robbie. She is flawless, physically speaking. She’s well-spoken and successful. She’s Margot Robbie yet she has made a career of pretending to be other people. If I was Margot Robbie, I would be most interested in being myself because of the karmic lottery I won. I would flip my hair, walk around in public, and speak in my lovely Australian accent. Is she even Australian? She’s such a great actress, we have no way of knowing. She could be anyone. I love her as Tonya Harding. I love her as Harley Quinn. Her as Sharon Tate was like the best thing that ever happened to me. When she plays Barbie I think my head will literally explode. Katya will have Dune and I will have Margot Robbie as Barbie. Even the name Margot… that's not a hot bitch name. If you aren’t stunning, Margot is a stuffy name of a woman who smells like pasta. Only Miss Robbie can make that name work.

On any lesser Margot, this outfit would look make the wearer look like an extra in a community theater production of Robin Hood. I mean hello!

Taco Bell

Lo, what light through yonder window breaks?

Now I don’t want to seem like I am double crossing my angels over at Chipotle. I love Chipotle for a fresh, filling, and optionally-healthy food option. But Taco Bell is a different thing. Chipotle is about nourishment and Taco Bell is about self-love. Unlike most fast food places, Taco Bell has a health of fabulous vegetarian options. Well, fabulous is a strong word. Taco Bell tastes so delicious but also so unlike real food that it is bizarrely perverse to consume. When my order arrives, I feel like I am that woman who eats couch cushions or the lady who eats corn starch. How can it feel so wrong but taste so right? MY order is as follows:

Bean Burrito: This one is a no-brainer. Very plain and simple, it’s a warm and gushy hug of processed bean product and shredded cheese with mild sauce. It sort of sets the tone for the meal.

Cheese Bean and Rice Burrito: This is sort of the piece de resistance for me. It’s basically the bean burrito with nacho cheese sauce and rice. It’s slightly bigger and has more texture so it’s fabulous to eat after the bean burrito to keep things interesting. 

Cheese Quesadilla: I mean obviously I have to get this. It’s basically a soft tortilla with cheese melted inside. There’s got to be more in there… I think it’s a creamy jalapeño sauce? I don’t know but it’s so good.

Chips and Cheese: This is just a fun way to mix up the texture. Crunchy chips and cheese is a great antagonist to all the savory smooth burrito items.

DONT FUCK AROUND. Get Taco Bell today.

Katya:

Cornichons

My distaste for food and general lack of interest in eating is probably my most enduring and annoying character trait. It’s an inconvenient “quirk” that I’ve always had, as my mother recalls a stretch of several months as a toddler when I would eat only carrots.. I envy those around me who will try anything, and eat mostly everything. I once went on a vacation with my friend Mike, the most unfussy eater I have ever met, who calls himself the human garbage disposal. I am very jealous. There are so many ingredients that I don’t like which can make the magical experience of traveling the world at times frustrating and unenjoyable. And there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the foods that I dislike. One of the biggest obstacles I encounter has to do with my hatred of most condiments, many of which you would find on a sandwich. Mayonnaise? Disgusting. Mustard? Yuck. Cheese? Hate it. (This one is particularly alienating) But one thing sandwich item that I absolutely adore is the cornichon.. Sure, it’s usually used as a garnish or found on a cheese plate, but I will buy jars of these little shits and gobble them up in minutes. They’re about two inch or smaller gherkins that are brined in a salty and sour mixture of vinegar, onion and other stuff, and goddamn I love them. Sweet gherkins? Nope. Large dills? Ugh, fine, but these two inch little tart ass motherfuckers always get me going. Now, for all you high-blood pressure divas out there like me who drink nary a glass of water a day, gobbling up jar after jar with impunity is not advisable as the sodium content of these gherkies tends to head through the roof. In any case, I invite you to give the little gherks some shots, their flavor is good and juicy.

Cream Soda 

After you’ve over-indulged in a jar or two of those salty little gherkalinas, you know what’s great to wash down all that sodium? Cream Soda! I’m not talking about the drink, which is fine sure whatever, but the Russian electronic music band whose music populates my ear holes on average 5-300 minutes per day. If you hate music and you absolutely loathe having a good time with nice people, then this might not be your cup of tea; but for everyone else, I invite you to check out their many wonderful music videos available to watch for free on YouTube. They released a new version of Alëna Sviridova’s “Pink Flamingo” (the original 1994 rock jam is yankin’ in its own right) and I estimate I have listened to it at least 500 times since it came out last summer. The video is also spectacularly stupid and wonderful and I highly suggest you watch it, as well as all their other fantastically clever and well-produced videos. They were also featured on Vecherniy Urgant’s Ciao 2020 with an awesome Italian version of “Crying for techno” and they’re just so lovely I want to kiss and hug them.