Unpaid Spokeswomen #19

Welcome to Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

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Trixie:

Goldfish Crackers

While I am locally and globally known as The Skinny Legend, I regret to inform you that I am one of those people who is hungry all the time. I could eat five large meals every day and snack the entire time in between sittings.  I wake up hungry, I go to bed hungry, and I am always thinking about what to eat next. I am hungry when I am sober, drunk, high, and even sick.  When I was sick for two months this fall, I lost my appetite for a couple weeks and I was stunned by the newly unoccupied hours of the day I wasn’t dedicating to chewing and swallowing.

I recently Googled “how to control your appetite” and I was bombarded by an onslaught of shady pills and powders to help me shed pounds.  I then texted my friend Andrew and asked if he knew of any appetite-suppressing vitamins or techniques I could employ. He then asked if he should come over to talk and it became clear to me that he believed I was fiending for narcotics. I digress.

After a Reddit deep dive, it seems that the most effective means of controlling appetite was drinking water, caffeine, and stocking low-calorie snacks for when hunger strikes. It might shock you but get into this nutritional tea-spilling:

There are 140 calories in a serving of Goldfish crackers and there are 55 goldfish per serving!

That’s gaggy! How do they do it? Flakey, crunchy, cheesy, light, delicious.  If you are a peckish bitch like me who would smear peanut butter on plywood and eat it if society didn’t discourage it, stock up on some Goldfish and be ready to flush hunger like a dead guppy.

@Granny on Twitch

Let’s be honest: when someone has a Twitch channel, it’s a little like hearing that someone is in an improv troupe. It’s weird, it’s irrelevant, and you just pray you’ll never be directly asked to be included. It’s not as pathetic as having a Substack and it’s definitely not as pathetic as being a drag queen, but it’s pretty lame.

UNTIL you see someone stream who truly elevates streaming to an art form and a performance. Granny is a Twitch streamer who is bar none the best streamer there is to watch. It’s like watching Mrs. Doubtfire play first person shooters. Comedic chops? Lit. The look? Cohesive and odd. Gameplay? Fire. Granny uses costume and green screen to basically make the typical “watch someone play video games” experience into a daily interactive piece of theatre. The character of Granny is witty, compassionate, and encouraging as she makes the viewer feel like they are playing the newest horror title with a quirky old woman in her living room. 

Granny has gotten so popular on Twitch that she has even become a playable character in the new multiplayer horror game VHS. I know the REAL Granny and without giving away too much, she’s as sweet and funny behind the scenes as she is when she’s tucking in her Grandkids every night. Yer Doin’ So Well!

dearestgranny

A post shared by Granny (@dearestgranny)

Katya:

Films under 2 hours

Watching movies is probably my favorite thing to do. The only thing I cherish more than watching films is enjoying my free time, which is mostly spent watching movies. This time is precious, and the minutes become more and more valuable with every day that I age, and let me tell you, the clock is ticking. Kim Cattrall was famously quoted saying that she doesn’t want to spend an hour doing something she doesn’t want to do. I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I’ll have what she’s having but I’ll cut it in half, because thirty minutes can feel like a lifetime when you’re getting an intense light photofacial. So when it comes to movies, I have a question for all the filmmakers out there: What are you doing? Maybe it’s a bit sleazy of me to suggest this, but if you can’t tell your story in 90 minutes or less, maybe your story ain’t worth a damn. This isn’t exactly a fresh hot take, and it certainly doesn’t apply across the board as there are many masterpieces of film clocking in well over 100 minutes. But lately, I can’t help but notice how many movies could use a little snip snip. So I’d like to tip my hat to the short divas of cinema who know when to cut the lights and sneak out the back before everyone starts yawning. Most horror films, good and bad, seem to keep it cute lengthwise, and I wonder if you fucking period dramas could maybe take a page from their books, or pamphlets, as it were. The golden stopwatch trophy award goes to 2019’s St. Maud, the incredible film debut by Rose Glass. None of the girls are doing it like Miss Glass, but they should try, because this film is original and fantastic, and has one of the best ending shots of any movie I’ve seen. It even manages to be a relatively slow burn leading up to an unforgettable climax, all in a crisp, clean and concise running time of 1 hour and 24 minutes!!! No bathroom breaks or scrolling necessary, not when there’s Maud! 

In fact here’s a list of great films running at 90 minutes or less for those of you like me with too few minutes to spare. Please let me know some of your favorite slimmer feature film titles, because life is short, and so is a good film! 

Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995) a devastating classic by master Todd Solondz featuring the incomparable Heather Matarazzo as Dawn Weiner. 

House (1977) an unforgettable phantasmagoric Japanese horror that you should that you should watch right now. 

The Wicker Man (1977) a horror classic that is a must-see for any witches out there. If you loved Midsommar, you’ll likely enjoy this one. 

The Naked Gun (1988) this film has it all, including one of my favorite bits where Frank, looking under Jane’s skirt as she rummages for something in the attic, says “Nice beaver!” to which Jane replies, “thanks, I just had it stuffed,” and then hands him a taxidermied beaver. 

Eraserhead (1977) by David Lynch is a film that many people say they love without actually having watched, just to sound cool. I know because I have done this before, only to be pleasantly surprised at how fun and wonderfully watchable this is. It’s an extremely strange film, but is absolutely beautiful and haunting and poignant. Shout out to the lady in the radiator singing “Heaven,” I love you.