Unpaid Spokeswomen #1

A weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

Welcome to the first Unpaid Spokeswomen, a column where we log what we’ve been into this week. Behind the wigs, makeup, costumes, and several layers of irony, we are two humans who genuinely enjoy doing things. Here is a weekly roundup of our unfiltered expert recommendations.

Trixie: 

BUBLY

I said fellas is it gay to drink Cherry Bubly all day with every meal at all time? My gay life has been revolutionized ever since Bubly sponsored some episodes of The Pit Stop. I’ve tried the San Pellegrino, the La Croix, the Perrier…. DEATH to all of them. My tongue is stimulated and vitalized by dancing bubbles each time I lift that lively aluminum chalice to my pursed lips. 

When I’m having a wild night at home playing Fortnite, I loved to make this drink I have dubbed The Michael Bublé:

1 shot Vodka

1 Shot Pomegranate Liqueur

Half can of Cherry Bubly 

Pioneer DJ - SB3

I have had a dream my whole life of learning how to DJ. I know what you’re thinking– “she’s ambitious, intelligent, musical, and constantly reinventing herself. What stopped her?” You have to admit– a board of flashing lights and tiny ominous knobs appears less musical and more Trekkie cosplay. I’ve always thought that the process of learning this true art form would be at best too expensive and at worst entirely too complicated. I have allowed my DJ dreams to sit like my Malibu PJ on the back of my bookshelf; dusted and stagnant.

However, fate intervened. After a tryst of fantasizing about one day spinning myself, I was hosting a showing of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. I approached the stage to give my speech, I saw Daisy O’Dell, a LA celebrity DJ, wrapped in a lush boa and spinning disco classics into fresh and funky sounds. She was so beautiful and flawless that from the back I thought she was a drag queen. I told Daisy I had always wanted to learn and she was like “what are you waiting for?” Her glowing blue eyes activated within me my dormant Deadmau5. The next day I woke up (deeply hungover), Ubered to The Guitar Center, and shopped for equipment. The SB3 only set me back about $299! In a few short weeks I have learned every feature on the SB3 and I dream about it every night. Be that bitch at your next party and pick yourself up this fabulous instrument! I have even run into pro DJs and they have told me they still bust out their SB3 due to its ease and portability. I feel that after several Billboard charting records and millions of Spotify streams I am finally getting mileage out of my music degree. Catch me hopped up on THC pop rocks fully believing I am at Glastonbury doing a set at the gig mama. 

Katya: 

Expo Dry Erase Board

I love writing things down; it is so much fun. And as a person of a certain age (forty-three) I relish the few opportunities I have to preserve my beautiful penmanship. Other than my monthly rent check and the odd crisis blood-scrawl I rarely have any reason to write anything out longhand, and since I have been discouraged from purchasing any more antique quills and parchment, a dry erase board is a great option if you’ve got enough discrete wall space at home. They are cheap, easily mountable or portable depending on the size, and can enrich your personal and professional life in innumerable ways. For example, just the other day, I was feeling a bit down, so I went to the white board and started brain-storming in flamboyant blue cursive Why am I unable to access my feelings right now? and before I knew it, I was lost in a frenzy of feverish swirling like a possessed ouïja board medium at a medieval fun fair. When I snapped out of it, I realized that the marker had dried out and my hand was bleeding, so I tossed it out and grabbed a fresh one. When the thick creamy dark blue ink of a fresh marker hit that cold white surface, it was thrilling and energizing. 

Duolingo

I love learning, but at my age it’s getting harder to retain useful new information, so I need to harness the power of psychology, technology, and fun to help me do it. Duolingo is great, and I especially love the phone app, because I so far have managed to curb my excessive phone use and convert it into foreign language vocab building. It’s available for free but I love an ad-free experience so I shell out the 10 dollars a month. It really comes in handy during periods of waiting around, so now I no longer dread those long lines at the DMV or the interminable bourse in the hospital waiting room. But beware, an internet connection is required; a tough lesson I learned on a recent flight.