Long Time Caller First Time Listener #21

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Hey gals - I work in the leasing office for a bougie apartment building, and I see so many rich single hotties on a daily basis. Is it kosher for me to prowl for peen on the job? How can I snag the love of my life without being a Workplace Whore? 

-Realty Hornty

Trixie: Do you know back before the Internet, people would have to go out and find dick in the wild? When I was a teen I would sit in a wild oak tree next to my house with binoculars with a field guide just hoping to catch a glimpse of dick. I’d wear a pink nightgown with a very high hem line and I would pleasure myself just hoping for fate to smile upon me. One day a man walked by and asked me if I knew the time. I responded “it’s dick time” and we had sex in the back of his Honda. That’s how I met my husband, and I never looked back.

Basically, you need to put out flirtations calibrated to the right intensity for the environment. You can’t go to work moaning and rubbing Cool Whip on your titties. But you can’t wear a high turtleneck and never make eye contact and expect things to happen either.

Also stop calling it peen.

Katya: Prowling for peen from the leasing office is totally kosher and any argument against it is absolutely shmegegge. Online dating is rotten, so I would take all the opportunities you can to snag that rich hottie in real life. There’s no shame in being a workplace whore or a business bimbo, though the former carries with it some potential legal troubles, as it can be dicey to peddle one’s pussy out of the office (take it from one who knows). But I say, dress for the job that you want, and if that means strutting into the leasing office in head to toe Agent Provocateur, then let them have it. 

Question 2: I'm a lesbian who is seriously considering becoming a drag king. I already have a name, look/persona, and several songs picked out, and my motivations are just to have fun and to express some of my weird feelings about my gender in a way that feels empowering. But I am quite nervous as I would be performing alongside some pretty well-established local kings and queens. Any advice for a first-timer?

-Pretty Boy Jack

Trixie:  I think the most important thing is to have a point of view. The worst thing you can do in drag is be generic and sadly 95% of drag performers are doing the same thing as someone else.

Also- set your standard for the quality of your own work extremely high. Basically aspire to do Landon Cider level drag or die trying. You’ll get better as you go, so don’t stress. Your first time performing in drag might seem important but it really isn’t a memorable thing. If anything you’ll look back on it and be embarrassed no matter what. So yolo.

Just remember there are 5 million drag kings wearing an oversize men’s dress shirt, a fedora, and a drawn on chinstrap doing a Limp Bizkit song. How can you stand out and elevate? How can you reinvent an art form so core and established? That’s up to you.

It really helps to pick a few people to model yourself after in a way that isn’t copying them. I remember seeing a picture of Amanda Lepore and Lady Bunny and imagining myself somewhere in the middle. Sadly I look more like one of Jaycee Dugard‘s children that were fathered by her kidnapper. But hey, it sells!

Katya: Well Pretty Boy, it sounds like you’ve got all your ducks in a row, the only thing left to do is just jump into the lake and make the biggest splash you can. The best thing you can do when working alongside seasoned pros is become a little familiar with their acts, so that you can seamlessly integrate your numbers into the show. I’ve been at several gigs where a new queen will open the show with a 17 song medley of every current pop diva, only to return to the dressing room to face the wrath of the regular show cast who planned on performing those very same songs. Many established queens have a shtick that they stick to, so it’s best to see what’s cooking before you add more of the same old sauce to the stew. That is a cooking metaphor. But from what you’ve described, you already sound way more put together than most drag performers currently working, so just get out there and break a leg.

Question 3: I have a crush on a guy and I know he’s gay because a friend of his told me, but he doesn’t know that I know and he’s really closeted. I don’t want to force him into anything but I also just want him to feel comfortable being himself. Should I tell him I know and forget about anything romantic? Just for context: we’re both in school together and the male gay population isn’t very large (not many options for either of us). 

-Olive

Trixie: The truth is he won’t come out for any reason other than he wants to or someone publicly outs him.

If you start allowing yourself to babysit for men who are uncomfortable with their own sexuality, the cycle will repeat into your adulthood. I have a friend who constantly chases closeted men because I think he has some kind of mental fantasy of creating intimacy through guiding men into their gayness.

Also, even if you were both heterosexual, most high school relationships are fraught with drama and emotional clumsiness that leads to short-lived romances and disappointing sexual endeavors. 

If you want to help him come out because you want a fellow gay person to be happier, then that’s good. If you want him to come out so that you can do him, that’s bad. Besides, you really only think he’s gay because you heard it from someone. He might not even be sure himself! 

Katya: People stay in the closet for many reasons, often because they don’t feel that it’s safe to fully be themselves. If I were you, I would try and provide a safe space for this person, and I would lay it on real thick. If you find yourself alone with this guy, make sure you make it outrageously clear that you are A-O-K with G-A-Y perhaps by reciting some Liza Minelli lyrics, wearing velvet palazzo pants, or eating a banana by swallowing it whole in one bite with your unblinking eyes wide, staring at him. There’s a lot we can do with body language that doesn’t infringe upon someone’s personal space or sense of safety. Who knows, maybe by the third time a gay porno accidentally pops up on your computer while you’re studying together, he may get the hint and the spirit may move him to creep out of the closet and onto your lap. If you set the scene without being too much of a creep, something LGBT might happen.