Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #12

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: My sister recently had a baby, and although my family knows I’m not fond of kids, they still expect me to hold/interact with the baby. How do I get more comfortable being around children?

-Callen

Trixie:  Let me break your neck with a completely unexpected answer from an all-time child hater like me. Babies are absolutely lovely. Sure they smell, they complain a lot, and they are half-bald, but so are drag queens out of drag. Babies are so pure and lovely and flawless that even if they are covered in their own feces, they make you feel old and gross in a very heartwarming way. They have giant eyes and tiny little fingers and I especially love when they come home fresh from the hospital and still smell like bandaids. There’s not much to dislike because unlike adults, they aren’t really fully formed enough to be annoying or offensive or anything. They’re just sort of vibing between meals and baths.

I’m also going to illuminate this even further for you… in writing to us, you have revealed to us all that you do in fact care about the baby. You are interested in being at bare minimum a child-proofed auntie and at least hold the baby a couple times a year. And it sounds like you want to do right by your sister. I tell you what–my sister and her stunning boyfriend Jaylin had a baby this year and I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it either. But I am obsessed with my sister and so it became very clear to me upon holding the baby that I was instantly obsessed with the baby. The baby is an extension of your sister and might even give you a kidney someday so I say snuggle the baby while it’s small and cute and then when it starts walking and talking just send generous cash gifts. Become the favorite aunt who is single and wild and eccentric and rich. 

Katya: Hi Callen, I am right there with you on this one. I have recently acquired another nephew and it just so happens that I also have a fear/mild phobia of dropping the baby, or squeezing the life out of it by accident. So I haven’t engaged at all, touchwise, and you know what? I have no immediate plans to do so. I should also include here that I was dropped on my head at the grocery store around the age of 2 which I and many others believe to be the event that turned me gay. I wouldn’t rush into this situation, but I would suggest standing next to the baby and not holding but pointing at it and smiling. That’s a good, accident-proof step in the right direction.

Question 2: As the educated person that I am, I’m currently taking classes via Zoom but, as the big diva I also am, can’t manage to wake up early for said classes. I’ve tried everything: alarm clocks, sleeping late, sleeping early, not sleeping at all, having friends call me to wake me up and nothing has come out of it. As I’m writing this email I’ve already missed a two hour class because I slept in.

Is it time to just give up on education as a whole since I can’t even wake up at 7 a.m. in the morning or can you guys help me? I’m clearly desperate for answers.

–A lesbian with bags under her eyes

Katya: Alright smarty-pants, it’s time to bring in the big guns, and by guns I mean one or two of your friends or a paid stranger. It’s clear to me that the only way you are going to wake up and actually get out of bed is if someone comes into your room in the morning and dumps a large bucket of ice water on your head, face and breasts. So, please have that arranged. If you try that three times in a row and it still doesn’t work you might have to dye your hair and move to a new city. Good luck!

Trixie: Hello lesbian with bags under her eyes! I feel your pain. When I was in my freshman year of college, I had Music Theory 1 class at 8am every Monday and Friday.- which meant I could never partake in Sunday Fundays or Thirsty Thursdays. Most undergraduates had the common sense to just take all their classes Mon-Thurs and then have a three day weekend but sadly I was pretty much in class by 9am every single day of the week. It was horrible. Not only did I miss a lot of Music Theory 1 classes, I also never did the homework and failed the class entirely. I wanted to be a musician my entire life and I failed my first music class in college! I was so ashamed. I vividly remember bringing oreos and peanut butter to class and being asked by the teacher to explain the Lydian Mode and thinking “girl who are you talking to because we both know I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The young adult brain isn’t even up and functional until closer to noon so I think the whole charade you have yourself trapped in is unfair. However, let me warn you at the early mornings in life never go away. Even if you end up in nightlife, you might get successful and then be at the club until 3am and then at the airport by 6am regularly! For a few years after my first stint on RPDR, I often found myself running on three hours of sleep and deeply hungover reporting to the airport before the sun was rising!

I guess I have no tips other than:

-go to sleep insanely early. Like if you have to wake up at 7am, truly be in bed by 7pm. 

-tea! A lovely black tea in the morning will get you together.

-porn. Sometimes the only way to wake yourself up is to flick your bean.

Good luck!

Question 3: Hi! I was wondering if you feel like people think you expect your audience to dress a certain way? I have tickets to your show in Nashville coming up and I have no idea what to wear. Not that you’d ever notice me in the crowd, but what does one wear to a drag show? My fragile ego cannot withstand going to an event and feeling underdressed or like I didn’t get the dress code. Do you ever feel this way or do you just not give a fuck? Love you both!  

-intimidated stan

Trixie:  I can’t speak for Katya but at a Trixie show, most people dress normal- except for the people that don’t. And those people go wild. Blue-haired fairy princesses tarted up like little yeehaw prostitutes working a shift at Justice. But these super dressed up people never once look around at a normal-dressed person and think “wow she could have done more than a tee shirt.” No one really cares what you’re wearing except for you and your crew you go with. Going dressed as Trixie is a very common thing in my audience but it can be disorienting for me, the performer, to look out mid-song and see myself watching the show. 

Like I said, most people just wear a little more makeup than usual and maybe some sequins or a fun shoe. Then I would say 25% dress super basic like “dont look at me please” and 5% dress like a Lisa Frank rendering of Lydia Deetz. Remember that you are in the audience and not onstage so anything too crazy becomes a burden to the theatre-goers around you. You don’t want to provoke Miss Thing seated in Row 2 because you thought it would be cute to wear a Marie Antoinette wig to the show and block her line of sight. She paid for those tickets and now she has the right to give you an unauthorized haircut!

Katya: When it comes to fashion there is only one rule—wear brown! Just kidding, the only rule in fashion is to: have fun. If you’re coming to my show there is absolutely no dress code. All I want for you to be is the most comfortable and engaged version of yourself, so much that you could just dissolve into the fabric of the present moment and live with no barriers separating your body from the world. Whenever there is dressing up and going out I like to plan ahead. I will not leave the house in heels without a backup pair of sneakers or slides, or better yet––I arrange to have a large burly gentleman carry me the entire evening. Just make sure what your ensemble is comfortable enough and won’t encroach upon the viewing pleasure of those around you (large feather hat, sculptural hair) and if it does there better be a good reason for it (elections coming up, holiday weekend, etc) Just have fun, don’t lose your wallet or car, and don’t accept any drink from a stranger! And no K or G in the theater, please! Thank you and enjoy the show.