Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #33

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

Question 1: Good morning beautiful women,

I have this vague feeling I want to change my life. Like I have no idea what this means, but I know something’s coming and one day a change is gonna hit me. Is this a new haircut? Becoming vegan? Learning how to crochet? I am not a patient person and I want the change to happen now but the annoying thing is that change takes a long time. What can I do to satisfy this hunger for change? 

Lots of love darlings,

Ziggy xxx

Trixie: The main thing to remember here is that change is good! Hair grows back. Get the bangs. Get lip filler. Buy a sun hat. Learn to do embroidery.

Just remember that superficial changes might not totally rebuild whatever feels “off.” Gay men notoriously move to other major cities because they think the city they are in sucks. Usually they move away and within six months they are right back in their original city because maybe the problem wasn’t Phoenix. Maybe the problem was you, Brad.

I can’t recommend this change enough but you should try running. It’s free, it’s good for your mental health, and it makes you live longer.

Katya: I prefer to approach these things literally at first, so I suggest you go to the bank and get some coin rollers (they’re free!) and roll up all the loose change you have at home. Then, exchange the rolls for cash, and use that cash to buy a box of hair dye and a fake ID. Then find the nearest grimy convenience store bathroom and dye your hair in the sink. All you have to do after that is just steal a car and kill a few people, which I’ve heard will most definitely change  you. Good luck!

Question 2: I’ve had a crush on a guy at my college for a year and a half now and I can’t seem to get over him. He’s so cute and has a great personality. But he’s so out of my league he’s playing a different sport. I feel like even if we did date I would feel self conscious. He’s so handsome and fit and I’m cute but a little ~chubby~ But I can’t get him out of my head! 

Do you have any tips for how to get over someone you never even had? 

- a hopeless romantic

Trixie: I actually have a whole article about this!

Katya: First of all, the only leagues I know are the 20 thousand or so of them deep under the sea somewhere. Don’t assume this person has no interest, until you’ve given them a full presentation of all that is interesting about you. Then you can decide that it’s time to move on, their loss, etc and don’t you dare let their lack of nibble on your fishing lure deter you from getting back on the court ready to score a touchdown out of the park in one punch. Now go out there and make coach proud. He doesn’t have a lot of time left…

Question 3: hey loves, how do you get enough confidence to do your first drag show? i used to be super shy, and i’ve been expressing myself a lot more and it makes me feel so powerful. and drag is something i really want to try, it’s such a fun art form, but the thought of putting myself out there that much scares me. i guess i just need some confidence tips. you are both stunning and i love u <33 -t 

T: Rest comfortably into the truth that no matter what you do, your first drag will be rotted. Oatmeal chunky eyebrows, lumpy padding, and a poor choice in music is just part of the game.

K: The short answer is of course liquid courage, available at the bar in a variety of shitty flavors. Not tea, I was good and drunk the first time I performed and every time after that for about 3 years. Of course I had to stop drinking when Glen and I got pregnant, so that was tough for a while but my doctor said that since I’m European it’s perfectly fine to have a bottle or two of red wine each night which really helped with feeling that sharp diva cunty attitude on stage. Then, after the DUI it was back to square one so I got into pills. Anyways, just believe in yourself and have fun! You’re gonna kill it!!