Long Time Caller First Time Listener #11

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: I recently had to move back home due to a job that fell through. I work in entertainment, and all of my friends work in more stable or traditional fields like nursing or teaching. How do I not feel like a total loser compared to my friends with their perfect adult lives? And how do I stop being bummed that because of my career choice, my life just doesn't look like theirs yet?

-Broke in Boston

Trixie: Let me break it to you fiercely–everyone feels like a total loser sometimes. Part of being a human being is that you become numb to the best parts of your life and you hyper focus on the things you think should be improved. I recently was on TV next to a celebrity who happens to be one of the most beautiful faces ever to grace the silver screen. (I won’t say who she is to protect her identity.) She was taking a selfie on her iPhone and I was watching her and wondering what such a flawless creature feels when doing self-photography. She stopped preening into her reflection, turned to me, and said flatly “jowls.” I was floored and humbled by the fact that even someone who possesses a boundless classical beauty can find flaws. If she looks in the mirror and sees flaws, I think if she was me for a day and looked in the mirror she would jump off a cliff.

What is it about their lives you admire? The regularity perhaps? Do you yearn for a fixed salary and a set schedule? You can have it. There seems to be this shame spiral attached to having a day job. Working part time in retail or food service introduces you to lots of different people, inspires your work, and helps feed you between artistic endeavors. A little bit of obligation here and there will help you maintain a healthy hunger to fluff off and create. Being a financially stable creator is something to aspire to but in no way reflects on you poorly if you don’t achieve this status.

Besides! Your desire to work and create will fluctuate across your lifetime. For example today I am really struggling with the motivation to write Substack.

Katya: Well, my darling, if it was the perfect adult life you were yearning for, boy did you choose the wrong profession! I think we both know that if you really wanted that picture perfect life, you would have enrolled at a fine institution of vocational learning such as DeVry or ITT Tech and you wouldn’t be wasting precious moments of your perfect life writing this email, you’d be living large and in charge of medical billing operations at a large children’s hospital. But since it’s too late now, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change it, may I calmly but firmly and enthusiastically suggest that you GET A GRIP! Nobody’s life is perfect, nobody’s!!! Not even Julia Roberts lives a perfect life and she’s got two gorgeous twins and plays Mah Jong every Tuesday night with a small group of girlfriends. And second of all, there ain’t no stability in teaching or nursing, I’m sorry to say. You want stable? Go work in a barn! Life is unstable, you are not a loser, and don’t worry about your friends–my mom and dad were nurses and teachers, respectively, and trust me, you might have more fun in the barn getting kicked by a horse. 

Question 2: I’m a super gay dude. I love y’all and I love Gaga, but I’ve never tried anything with another dude yet. Recently I tried sucking dick, and I gotta say I wasn’t really feeling it. I don’t know if it was just the guy, or if I need practice, but I honestly could say I hated it. The taste wasn’t good, it hurt my jaw, and frankly I’m kinda confused. I don’t know what to do.  

Sincerely,

Confused Carl

Trixie: Sucking dick is something that seems like more fun than it is. When you’re alone and sexting someone, you’re like “if we were together right now I would suck your dick for hours.” Put into practice, the desire to perform oral sex becomes a much more abbreviated one. The mind wanders, the jaw cramps, and you actually become a little bored. 

Also, everyone is different. Some people love receiving oral sex but don’t like giving it and that’s fine too. You just have to match yourself up with someone who wants to suck dick primarily and not receive reciprocation that much. 

I would also recommend doing it while watching TV.

Katya: Welcome to Gay, Carl. It sounds like you might be new here, so a couple of things to consider: as you move from theoretical notions of gayness to physical applications out in the field, you are going to encounter some dissonance, a bit of unpleasantness, and a heck of a lot of surprises. I’m not sure how old you are, but when I was 16 I was convinced that every man’s penis would taste like saltwater taffy from the Cape. Well, I bet you can imagine my dismay when, after sucking on my twentieth penis, I realized that only a few of them have that nice Cape Cod flavor, and as for the rest of them–well, yuck! Please don’t be discouraged though–everything is strange the first time, and it could very well be the case that sucking dick and cock is just not for you, especially if the guy you’re trying to suck is in the middle of running his weekend errands. You can also try a fun technique that my former landlady once suggested to me while I was cleaning her wood stove: intercrural sex, which is sliding the penis between the thighs. Bon Appetit! 

Question 3: I've always been reclusive, but over the years have accidentally acquired a group of people that want to spend time with and love me. The isolation afforded to us by the pandemic seems to be dwindling, and in proportion I feel the demand for my time and attention increasing. I often feel the urge to scream "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" The issue is that I care for these people and do enjoy their company more than most humans, but feeling beholden to anyone makes me want to tear my hair out. I want to be left completely alone to navel-gaze in a cellar. Should I alienate everyone with an explosive outburst or should I be a dutiful friend and functioning member of society?

-contented basement dweller

Trixie: I hear you, I see you, I feel you, Basement Dweller. Other than the worldwide panic, economic collapse, and millions of people dead, the pandemic was a lovely communion with the self. Netflix and chill became a solo activity that lasted for days at a time. White Claw was a breakfast beverage. Swimsuit season was replaced by embarrassing fleece Tweety Bird PJ pants your mom bought you that say “attitude” season.

It took me too long in life to become comfortable missing out on social outings. If I didn’t feel like presenting my fantasy at the gig, I would force myself to go anyway, thus burdening everyone with my lame attitude and distant demeanor. I guess I went as an effort to not disappoint all those who were expecting me at The Dancerie. Can I share a piece of vital information with you? One that for me didn’t not come into focus until later in my 20’s–no once cares that you don’t go to the gig. No one’s night is ruined because you texted everyone “I can’t come because I want to stay home.” As a society we bear the crosses of little white lies to keep up with social niceties but you are not a bad person because you flat out don’t want to go to something. Just say something like “I really need a night in.” Or say “I am already in bed spooning a jar full of crunchy JIF and watching The Handmaid’s Tale.” You’re allowed to not go to the gig.

I REPEAT: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT GO TO THE GIG.

Katya: As a fellow basement-dwelling cave creature, I can relate. The isolation of the pandemic was like a nice cup of warm chicken soup ladled straight into the a-hole for some of us introverts, and this readjustment period will be challenging as we all strive to discover whatever the new normal is. I have always needed to recharge after social activity since I was young, so I have become an avid practitioner of the Irish goodbye, the French exit, and any number of European methods of just leaving unannounced with no immediate plans on returning. Don’t worry about it–people are busy, and if these new friends are any good, they will understand where you’re coming from. Just let them know about your proclivities, and try not to disappear right after borrowing money or large electronics from them, and they should be fine.