Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #16

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

---

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

---

Question 1: I am in my sophomore year of college and my roommate this year is a guy who I am extremely attracted to and there seems to be obvious sexual tension between the two of us. His personality is extremely flirty and touchy and I can't tell if he is just being friendly or if he is actually into me because he does things like buy me gifts and checks on me multiple times throughout the day to see how I am doing and asking what my plans are for the day. SO, my question is: do I just say fuck it and tell him I like him or keep things the way they are?

-a desperate and horny gay guy

Trixie: Are you kidding? You have just reported to us live from the scene that there is obvious sexual tension and he is buying you gifts. We are just animals after all and animals love to give gifts as a way of showing affection. In high school, my cat used to kill chipmunks and drag them into the house and drop them on the carpet to show his attachment. We decided to keep things friendly since he’s a cat and I’m a human but I think the intentions there were very clear.

If you are truly good friends, you’ll be able to dabble into romantic waters without permanently disabling your friendship compatibility. You can always try things out and regress back to friends very easily. If I were you, I would do the Cher Horowitz thing and start sending yourself flowers and chocolates to show him how desirable you are. But make sure you mononlogue to him about how you won’t go around with just anyone because closeted men love feeling like they’re the only one. Don’t ask me how I know.

Katya: Oh that is exciting, my stomach was buzzing as I read that. I would agree with Trixie but ever since I switched to a diet of live bees, my worldview has shifted pretty dramatically. My advice would be let the sexual tension simmer while you two cohabitate, but I would only boil the bunny after one of you has moved out. Some people might be able to switch back and forth between friends and lovers but for me, I can do nothing of the sort. This is how it would play out: I sense my hot roommate is sniffing, the next day he comes home to find me splayed out in lingerie on his bed. We fuck, I love it, and I fall in love, only to find him casually scrolling Grindr the next day on the living room sofa. I grab my curly blonde wig, threaten his wife, kidnap his child, you fill in the rest…

Question 2: Hi ladies!

I have had the worst year ever.  My boyfriend’s house was destroyed in a fire and the elderly man he cares for died in the fire.  Six weeks later my dad passed away.  Two months after that my niece died.  Last week my boyfriend and I (of 7 years) broke up. I feel like a lost soul. Do you have any advice for me to get my life back on track?  P.S. we were supposed to go to your Philly show together but he did not want to do the VIP meet and greet.  Now it’s sold out. This year can’t get any worse! 

—Lost Soul

Trixie:  Well lucky for you we just so happen to have two tickets to our Philly show! (Oh what’s that? Oh sorry. It really is sold out.) However, you must deflect this trickling feeling of having the worst life ever. Everyone has periods of difficulty and I have found that for a lot of people, the circumstances aren’t even part of it. There are rich, beautiful people who have not experienced any recent loss who are depressed out there. And there are people who are food insecure and average-looking with recent loss who always manage to stay positive. You can’t really ever change the circumstances that surround you but you can change your outlook and the way you receive the curve balls from the universe. That was a sports reference.

I always feel like the universe has it out for me and the stubborn part of me is what propels me to stay unbothered. It’s like if the only thing I can control is the way I manage my trauma and struggle, then bitch I am going to become the CEO of bouncing back. 

I recommend you connect with the people in your life that are important to you and if you don’t have that, start establishing some new support systems. I strongly recommend pursuing a new hobby! During lockdown, I learned to DJ because I always wanted to learn but never had the time to pour into developing such a complicated skill. Being able to come home after a long day of shooting and do a little marijuana while I play disco music has become a mood-trampoline I find myself bouncing on regularly. Just remember that you can’t change the things that happen to you but you can dramatically lessen the blows by managing the impact in healthy ways.

Katya: Fucking Hell, LS, when it rains it really fuckin pours huh. I am so sorry for the losses and hardships you’re going through. I recommend the following coping strategies, as this time of year is the most challenging for everyone (most suicides occur in November!) 1. Read the book “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron 2. Explore the vast library of Alan Watts’ talks and lectures on Youtube for some really helpful and insightful perspective shifts 3. Trixie mentioned music as a mood trampoline, but I’ve found actual trampolines to be extremely mood and mind-altering, so check out Sky Zone if that’s near you. I’d stay away from drugs and alcohol, as all this grief and loss can delay healing. And bummer about those VIP tickets, but you never know, there just might be a little ticket fairy wiggling around Philly that night…

Question 3: I’m a transwoman who met my boyfriend while I worked in a strip club. He is perfect. Tall, handsome, caring and well off. I really shouldn’t even be writing this email since he takes amazing care of me but, when we first met I was 22 and he is 12 years older than I am. It was a whirlwind romance and after 5 months we were living together. Now, 6 years later we’re still together but feel like I missed out on my best years being with one person and I know that he doesn’t want the same future I want, marriage and kids etc.  I’m a child of immigrants and my childhood living situation was very insecure and dysfunctional. And transitioning in a conservative catholic Mexican family was beyond scary and my family screen my calls to this day. 

My question is, do I leave my very secure relationship that I’m starting to resent for a future that is on my own terms? 

-S

Trixie: I know you believe that you are flopping, but I’m going to burst the magical bubble here and let Glinda fall to her death. (That’s a Wicked reference.) We as humans are living in our own personal Marvel/DC Multiverses where there are endless versions of your life. The reality is that you can only really experience one storyline at a time. There’s a version of you that spent the last six years living single and experiencing a sexy/wild/drunk/obnoxious 20’s. However, this version of you would also be writing into this periodical asking if you should have settled down early and spent the last six years in a stable relationship. 

The tea is you can’t have everything but you can have a little bit of everything. You can be in a good relationship and keep an active bachelorette-esque personal life. Have your own friends, go out without your partner, go on trips separately, etc. Men’s Health Magazine, which I am obsessed with unironically, was saying that there’s a new breed of relationships called “apartners” where people are committed but don’t move in together, don’t combine finances, etc. My partner and I have been together five years and we still keep separate houses. I’m not saying you need to pursue that, but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. You can be Carrie Bradshaw at night and June Cleaver during the day with a little Rebecca More on the side. It only takes some mutual trust, some open conversation with your partner, and tube Avon Lipstick in Cherries Jubilee. (It’s classic but kind of slutty at the same time.)

It’s actually good to be asking yourself if you’re “missing” anything because it means you are a watchwoman of self-love who wants the best for herself and won’t be caught snoozing on the job. Good luck, Diva. Also fuck your conservative family and if I ever run into them they’re getting assaulted. 

Katya: What are these best years everyone keeps talking about? Do these years hang out with the bus that people keep throwing other people in front of? It looks like you might be putting too much stock in traditional notions of success, because while I’m all for striving and reaching and improving my life (HAHA I’m not but I get it) who is to say the best years of your life aren’t right now, and every year from now on? It might feel like settling, but what is this future and how would it be on your terms? There’s not actually a lot on our terms if you really think about it. Basically, I think you should stay with this lovely man, because if he’s still parking that Mack truck in your little garage after six years, that’s a fucking miracle (It’s been over a year since any dump trucks have wandered into my empty boneyard, so I’m a little biased and also very, very jealous) Also, if you’re interested in a future on your terms, children are not the move. I recently visited my sister and met my new gorgeous nephew and let me tell you, we were all on that fat little baby’s terms 24/7. Sometimes, you just gotta rest on pretty, accept that you’re perfect, and take up knitting or jiu jitsu.