Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #41

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hello gorgeous people reading this! I'm Bella and I'm 23 years old.

So I have an issue and I need your wise advice. I attend this musical theatre program at the university I graduated from, and I already know a few people there, some of them being close friends of mine. But, despite being a professional actress, I am an introvert and also neurodivergent, which means it takes me a while to get used to new people and to make friends, it's a natural process for me. 

Having said that, there is this one girl who has been calling herself my friend and invading my personal space lately, when we literally saw each other 3 times and barely talked. She is really sweet, but she is treating me like we've been friends for a long time and being, well, a LOT, and although there's no malice in her behavior, it's really uncomfortable to me. I barely know her at all. 

How would you guys approach this situation if you were me? I am too shy to tell her to stop, but I also don't know how to act when she's being all besties with me when we literally just met. 

Please help this socially awkward woman

Trixie: I can relate. I work with someone who is substantially older than me and incredibly gross and despite my obvious attempts to create distance, she clings on like a malicious barnacle. She even looks like a barnacle (if barnacles could do the splits and smoke.)

Tell that hooker exactly what you just told us. You need to build a friendship up slowly and you’re happy that she’s interesting in laying the foundation but you need it laid at a pace that allows you to match the speed. Usually in human life being honest is the fastest guilt-free way out of anything.

Katya: I agree with the above. Except for the barnacle part. 

Question 2: Hi Balds, 

I’m new to being bald (just recently shaved my head for the first time) and I’m wondering if y’all have any advice for scalp upkeep. Any tips, tricks, products (especially for moisturizing) would be greatly appreciated. 

Thanks, 

Fellow Faggy Bald Fuck

Trixie: Sasha Velour taught me that the best upkeep is to just shave it every day with a razor in the shower. I used to use a clipper to do it like twice a week but honestly the shower is so quick and easy and there’s no cleanup. Shaving your head over the sink or tub is so messy DO NOT DO IT DENISE.

I also really like Aveda Rosemary and Mint Shampoo on a freshly shaved head because it feels so fresh. Use Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Face Oil on top of your bald head overnight and Supergoop sunscreen during day.

Katya: I’ve found the upkeep and maintenance to be pretty easy, but if you are shaving to the skin, you’ll definitely want to slather your egg in sunscreen or your head will be a charcoal briquet. Other than that, I like to apply my usual hygienic rituals: before bed I wrap my entire head and face in cling wrap (don’t forget to poke holes for mouth and nose) — this prevents psychic energy dissipating through my crown chakra and a simple ice bath in the morning and voila! Nice bald head. 

Question 3: Dear Katya/Trixie,

I got married in my early 20s, we were very happy and things were pretty good, until they weren't. Suddenly, my husband decided to leave me and crush all the plans we had together, claiming he was no longer happy.

After a month he finally confessed he had cheated on me with a coworker. Of course. 

He's been going to therapy, trying to get his life together, which apparently includes me again. I am so torn because the obvious choice is a divorce, but then again I remember all the good things we had before he went full stupid.

Anyway, I feel betrayed, heartbroken, but also compassionate. What am I supposed to do? Have I gone full stupid as well?

Sincerely, 

Child bride

Trixie: You have to honestly put aside all expectations of what people/society/earth thinks should happen in this scenario. The progressive best gal pal will tell you to let the air out of his tires and use his ATM card while the hardcore Christians would advise you to stay with him even if he is horrible to you because marriage is sacred blah blah blah…

I never think that cheating is shitty because of the sex. It’s the dishonesty that’s shitty. Sex is whatever but lying to people you love sucks. 

I find the “You cheated so we are DONE” outlook to be shortsighted. People you love are always going to let you down and make mistakes. If I were you I’d follow the impulse to forgive. But in gay world we all fuck whoever we want and no one cares so maybe I’m wrong.

Katya: I say divorce, and start fresh. Pack your car with the essentials, leave quietly in the middle of the night, dye your hair in a gas station bathroom and embrace a new and exciting adventure on the road with a refreshing new identity. Never look back! No regrets.