Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #25

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Dear Queens, 

My sister and sister-in-law met on Tinder and obviously got a U-Haul after 3 dates. I was engaged to the same dude for 10 years and it didn’t work out. My lesbian sister-in-law has been legally divorced before, and is a big support to me.

My question is, if you had to look for straight men, where would you look for them? Because right now, the regular dating apps are not helping. I don’t even know where to attempt to hoe myself out that doesn’t involve a picture of a man holding a fish. I am very open to people who are not cis straight men, but I have no clue how to look for people who aren’t conformed to a box. 

With gratitude,

Cis Straight Gurl Who Loves Everyone 

Trixie: I once watched the world championship for the Pokémon trading card game when I was hungover. The winner was 17 and won $500k. The audience was full of available men and women. Pokémon people seem to be a very passionate and fun group. Maybe you can find a girl to Pikachu in the shower and Raichu all night long.

Katya: Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to meet men the way God intended–at the library. It’s a great setup for romance: towering stacks of books, older women in wool skirts sternly shushing people, and microfiche. The public library is one of the few remaining institutions in this country devoted to the betterment of humanity, and probably the only truly sexy quiet place. It’s a great place to bring a large cup of extremely hot coffee and wander the stacks until you bump into someone and spill your coffee on them.. You never know; chances are you’ll soon be staring at the newly scalded flesh of your future husband.

Question 2: Hi I’m Sophie and I plan on obtaining a BFA for musical theatre. I’ve gotten into some nice schools academically, and have received callbacks for other amazing programs that I have in early 2022, but my question is how do you stay somewhat sane while trying to get through everything you have said yes to? I tend to say yes to too many people, projects, and extracurriculars that I’m reaching the end of my first semester of senior year with no motivation. I know both of you have art degrees and even Trixie has a BFA in musical theatre, so how do you do it?

Regards,

that one super stressed senior

Trixie:  Obviously I will take the lead in this topic. On any given day, I’m juggling projects: GOOPED, my new record, UNHhhh, Netflix, Trixie Cosmetics, my YouTube Channel, other secret projects you can’t know about yet, etc. etc. You just have to eat efficiently, sleep plenty, and drink a lot of water. If you like what you’re doing and you have the sleep/diet to support it, it will never feel like work, really. Today I woke up paralyzed by a truly legendary hangover and it made the whole day difficult. If I was well fed and rested and exercised, today would have been a breeze. Instead it was a death march.

Take care of your machine and you can do anything. 

Katya: If you want to be stressed, say yes. If you want to let go, say no. I am a big fan of the decline, the downswing, the RSVP in the negative. You’re young, so go for it, and don’t forget that every insurmountable workload gets done one thing at a time. Just make sure you make some time to smell the roses, or you’ll end up with a thorny bouquet up your ass. 

Question 3: Hi Katya and Trixie,

This year, I met the closest friend I’ve ever had. We just completely clicked. She told me she felt like we were soulmates, in a friend way (she has a boyfriend [named Brutus]). We used to text constantly, as we live pretty far away. Slowly she stopped responding, saying she’s always busy. Recently I’ll text and she won’t respond for days, saying she hasn’t been on her phone at all, but she’s always the first person to see my Instagram and Snapchat stories, so I know she’s lying. When we call, she never seems to be paying attention. I’m crushed; I feel like the friendship is over. I want to send her an angry text, just to get her to respond. I care about her more than anything, but now I feel it’s not true the other way around. I have no one to talk to anymore and feel very alone–it seems even my imaginary friend Eugenia has left me. 

What do I do? 

-forlorn flop 

Trixie: Mary Beth Dugan you need to let this woman go. Friendship can only be built on mutual interest and investment. In retail, when a product is heavy to lift, we call it a “team lift” because it’s only okay to lift with a friend. Friendship, especially a new friendship, is a team lift. Both parties have to get engaged or you pull a muscle and have to get sent home early without paid time off. It seems like you didn’t have the friendship you felt like you did but your beautiful, pure self didn’t realize it. Don’t be resentful–the friend probably doesn’t even realize they let you down. To them it was probably casual.

Katya: Listen, Floptina, I’m sorry you’re forlorn, but you need to forget this flake. It’s a good thing that you are listening to your instincts though, because all too often we love to ignore those and find more colorful and less reality-based answers to obvious problems. This friendship is over, and its their loss! Fuck that bitch, it’s time to get you some new friends. The best part of making new friends, is that you get to start over, go back to the drawing board, and figure out a newer and better identity. Maybe your name is Carol and you love drawing.