Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #26

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Hi gal pals,

Here’s the situation. I’m a thirtysomething man, of the homosexual variety, living in the big city, chasing my dreams, and having it all. But accompanying me on this sitcom-level journey–of which, of course, I am the main character–is an uneven, blotchy coating of surprisingly long back hair. I’ve learned to love my body and all that barf over the years, but I just can’t seem to come to terms with this back hair. I blame it on gay porn, which seems to accept all makes and models of gays these days, but almost universally features stars flaunting smooth, sweat-glistened backs. To combat this woe bestowed upon me by that shady bitch, Mother Nature, I’ve hacked away at this English tea garden sprouting from my body for years. I’ve tried waxing, which was painful and made my skin breakout in a thousand tiny bumps. I’ve used a hair removal cream, which gave me–I shit you not–a chemical burn that looked like I had been the victim of a prison brawl. I’ve wasted an unspeakable sum of money on laser hair removal, which did zilch. And I’ve resorted to performing bizarre body contortions to reach a razor to every nook and cranny of my back. It’s a process I perform bi-weekly and takes a full thirty minutes out of my day. I’m just plain sick of it! Any advice on alternate methods for removing this unsightly shag carpet that continues to plague my body or am I doomed to upkeep this Cirque de Soleil razor routine for the rest of my days? Any cosmological words of wisdom you can provide would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance!

xoxo, BearBack

Trixie: I hate to be the BEAR-er of bad news, but your back hair isn’t going anywhere. Years of routine electrolysis might eradicate the literal monkey on your back, but the cheaper and less painful alternative would be to learn to love yourself. In fact you just need to find yourself in the right room with the right men. I remember being on tour with Katya in Australia several years ago and I accidentally picked up a heterosexual man at a bar. He was hairier than a hillbilly’s tongue. He was hairier than Donald Trump’s pillow in the morning. He was hairier than the dustpan at a barber shop. Get the picture?

I took him back to my hotel (the same hotel where Katya was scammed out of thousands of dollars, different story) where the man and I retreated to the shower. I lathered, rinsed, and repeated this man’s caveman back hair for hours blissfully. I love men with body hair and no amount is too much. A friend of mine named Teddy Bear is an adult entertainer and influencer who is covered head to toe in body hair. His 23 and Me even revealed him to be part caveman! 

I hate to be cliche and I hate regurgitating RuPaul even more, but once you love yourself, you attract those who love you. Literally slide into my DM’s lol. Hairy people are beautiful and you just need to induct yourself into the church of self love. Amen.

Katya: The depth and intensity of my sympathy for your plight cannot be overstated. I really hate body hair (on myself, though I don’t mind it on others) and I’ve also tried everything you mentioned. I would say give the laser another shot. Especially since you’ve got darker hair, there has got to be a technician out there that can zap that shit for good. Keep trying. Find out who did Kim Kardashian’s back, and go to them.  Or you can just accept your body for what it is, which you’ll have to do anyway. Good luck.

Question 2: Hello ladies, 

I've noticed that right around the time the pandemic hit I started breaking out in pimples along my cheekbones and jawline, most likely because of mask-wearing, ugh. I've been trying different facial products to get rid of them but they are persistent and I'm convinced I'll keep breaking out until we won't have to wear them (which I know won't be anytime soon).

"Irregardless,” I've been thinking about beginning to wear makeup to cover the acne scars but I've never work makeup in my life. I started reading a Korean Webtoons series called True Beauty where a geeky high school girl learns about makeup and it transforms her into a gorgeous bombshell of a woman....I wanna be that woman. Lol jk but seriously I learned that guys over there wear makeup and usually they'll wear BB Cream as kind of a basic product. 

Sorry for the long story but here comes the question: should I learn about BB Cream or should I get into the serious stuff like foundation? I don't even know if foundation is serious. Idk anything about makeup. And I've been watching all of Trixie's tutorials since she started them! What do I do?!?! Wow!!! Help me!!!.... please??

Yours forever, 

Rebellious.monkey 

Trixie: CAUTION! My answer will not include much humor but actual help. Makeup companies may lie to you but I won’t. Any amount of makeup disrupts the skin’s natural processes. I’m not going to say it makes your skin worse or better, but it’s not exactly a natural process to shellac your face like an acrylic toenail every day.

Skincare, skincare, skincare. I recommend Paula's Choice Salycilic Acid. It’s cheap, effective, and available on Amazon Prime. It’s a great way to eat away the gunk that clogs pores. You’ll see an almost immediate improvement in skin’s texture and tone. Blackheads lessen, wounded skin heals and turns over, and radiance will be on fleek.

Glycine Rejuvenating Lotion is super gentle and also available on Amazon. Tiny chin pimples and recurring rough patches will slowly resurface. Glycolic encourages skin turnover and really helps cycle through difficult skin phases.

If you have to use concealer, just pick the time and place. There are even concealers that contain a small amount of salicylic acid. The other best thing you can do is to let your face have days off from masks, makeup, etc. Baths! Soak your face in warm water for hours. It’s such a repairing and hydrating process.

Katy: What she said. And also, you should read this book by James Hamblin: Clean: The New Science of Skincare and the Beauty of Doing Less.

Question 3: Hi there!

So I’m a lesbian in my late 20s (been out for 15 years so I’m a jaded ol dyke by this stage) I also haven’t been to a pride event in around 5+ years. Newly out gays keep trying to drag me to these events to show my pride but honestly I couldn’t be arsed. Queues for the bathroom are long, drinks are expensive and it doesn’t feel that radical anymore since when we were staging our first pride protests in my small town in Ireland. How do I get them to leave me alone and let me be a gay hermit? I feel like I’ve earned it by now Ha!

-Michelle

Trixie: I really hope the lesbians don’t turn on me on this one, but the fastest way to get lesbians to not attend an event is to call it a lesbian event. I have worked many lesbian weeks in Provincetown and I have witnessed the streets turnover from busy groups of queer men to tumbleweeds and a few strollers for lesbian events. It’s literally me, Lea DeLaria, and Judy Gold handing out flyers to no one for our comedy shows.

However, I have never interpreted this as gay women not liking gay events. I think women are smarter with their money and more discerning about the way they support artists and events. If there’s a hint of a promise of a beer or a dick, they will move mountains to attend. For women, you can’t just call an event “Sapphic Week” and expect a robust turnout. 

In conclusion, I don’t think you should attend anything you don’t want to attend out of some nonexistent queer obligation. Gay people are so self-involved they won’t even notice if you don’t show up.

Katya: Tell them young folk to get bent and leave you the fuck alone! Let the kids have their fun, day-drinking in the hot sun watching Chase Bank wave a rainbow flag. I don’t go to Pride unless I’m paid to be there, for all the reasons you mentioned. It’s often a mess, and it’s frequently lame. It’s gay pride every day of the year when I walk my faggoty ass out of the house. So don’t feel guilty about opting out of the mostly watered down and commercialized festivities.