Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #19

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

---

Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

---

Question 1: Hey girls!

I have this (male) best friend, we’ll call him Mike, who has had a thing for me pretty much since the day we met (In fact its the reason we became friends in the first place.) He's a lovely guy but he's just not my type and we have too much of a brother/sister vibe for me to consider ever doing something sexual with him. The problem is, I met some of his other friends and there is one guy who is particularly sexy and we have great chemistry. I’ve been sleeping with this guy for about a month now, but I'm worried that when Mike finds out it'll crush him. Do I break the news to him and hurt his feelings or take this love affair to the grave?

Sincerely, 

Considerate Slut

Trixie: 

1. You are not a slut for sleeping with someone you are attracted to and not sleeping with someone you are not attracted to. 

2. Well at the risk of accidentally helping someone in this recurring periodical that is meant to be satirical and in no way utilized as real help, the fact is that the truth is always the best option. If you let him know how you feel (or more accurately how you don’t feel), you are leaving the ball in his court. I realize that was a sports reference and I might have lost you, but you seem pretty sure that Mike hasn’t picked up on your lukewarm returns on his advances. I have picked up that straight men tend to be oblivious to disinterest and will give themselves the benefit of the doubt no matter what so sometimes you just have to break it down for a bitch. Let him know you only see him as a friend. The “Friend Zone” is very real and unfortunately a lot of the time people can’t tell when they are standing squarely in it.

3. However he manages or mismanages his jealousy about this friend really isn’t your problem. He will either take it on the chin and acknowledge that there are going to be plenty of women in his life who aren’t interested in him or he will take the pathetic approach and do a “poor me” song and dance. Whatever the outcome, he can’t come out the other side until you let know know where he stands; The Friend Zone.

Katya:  Hi CS, happy holidays. I think we can let Mikey know the T and he can go ahead and feel his feelings, whatever those may be. So I say go ahead and share with him what you’ve been up to and if it crushes him, maybe he needs to grow up. 

Question 2: Hey Gals, I am a 20-something queer lady who has never been in a serious relationship. I recently told the really cool chick I've been crushing on for a few months how I felt and she just didn't feel the same way. So that leads me to ask, pandemic aside, why am I so hopelessly single? Am I really just that boot nasty?

Best,

Actually Never Been Kissed

Trixie:  The world is built to make single people feel like the fifth wheel at an amusement park. Even in marketing, products are often promoted as more fun with a friend. Buy as a gift! Buy two! Tell your friends about it! It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that MOST PEOPLE ARE SINGLE.

Despite being a woman, I am an avid reader of Men’s Health Magazine. I like the articles and they always feature super hot guys who detail how they got so jacked. In a 2016 study, MH used peopl’es cell phone signals to triangulate their paths given any day of the week. Between work, home, the grocery store, etc, most people were only ever in the same few places at any given time. What's more is that they reliably traversed the same paths to get from point A to point B. This means that the “I can never meet anyone” argument for singlehood is probably attached to a very real “I never go anywhere new or talk to any new people” routine.

Dating is a game of numbers in which the odds are ever NOT in your favor. You are not boot nasty and in the off chance that you actually are, there is someone out there who has a wet pussy for your exact make and model of Boot Nasty. Everyone is hot to someone. I get laid constantly and I’m fucking gross.

Katya: Listen, actually, I feel your struggle and I know your heartache. I promise you that you are not so unfuckably nasty that no one will touch you. You’re young! When it comes to dating you gotta take it easy, and don’t take it personally. Love is great, people are lovely but honestly, I’ve gotta tell you: there is nothing sweeter to me than the sumptuous flavor of solitude. I love the idea of a relationship, and welcome the possibilities of love, but I am a reclusive hermit who needs many moments of time spent alone in blissful solitude. For me it’s always the idea of love that’s so compelling but the reality is just rotten. He smells bad, he snores, he doesn’t eat this, he won’t do that, etc. So, get back out there, cast your queer net, and put that boot nasty pussy in the wind.  

Question 3: Hi ladies,

So recently I got myself in a pickle with an ex-Marine at work. I work at a pizza shop and me and my coworker like to fuck around when it’s not busy. One day we were reading our restaurant’s Yelp reviews and we came across a particularly angry one, which said along the lines of:

I was being helped by a shorter woman wearing a bandana (my other coworker) and she was giving me attitude the entire time I was ordering. The only thing stopping me from physically stepping around the counter and giving her a piece of my mind was the fact that there was a family with a small child ordering in front of me. I was in the Marines and if I had acted the way she did to me, we would’ve got our asses beat.

So this guy is clearly deranged seeing that he mentioned his past in the Marines in a Yelp review for a pizza restaurant. Me and my coworker were laughing about it because of how worked up he was, and she dared me to respond to it. I, being a woman of honor, said yes to the dare and responded to the review saying “Sir, you need to calm down.” I felt that this was a pretty tame comment, but fast forward to today, the guy who made the review messages me on Yelp (which is a thing you can do on Yelp for some reason) and says “WHO TF ARE YOU? YOU WORK THERE TOO? I’m coming in there this week and I'm asking for you, fuck you”. He was PISSED. 

So now I have this guy who was allegedly in the Marines OUT TO GET ME AT MY PLACE OF WORK. I don’t know what to do.

Help,

Chia

Trixie: I’m not going to be your best friend in this scenario. When you work somewhere, you represent the business when you are on the clock and sometimes even when you aren’t. While punched in, you antagonized a customer who had a bad experience with your service. If you were my employee and I found out about this chain of events, I would find you at least partially at fault and wantonly hindering a customer’s overall experience.

Could you imagine if someone from Trixie Cosmetics responded to a negative IG comment from a customer? I shudder to think.

I understand this isn’t your dream job. I have worked in food service; bussing tables, being a waiter, making sub sandwiches, delivery driving–you name it. I can tell from the way you write that you have gorgeous and shapely wrists and hand modeling is your true calling you’ve yet to be scouted for. However, you have to understand that you brought this on yourself. Slay diva.

I would honestly wait to see if this person actually comes in and if it happens just be honest about it. You don’t want your free pizza hookup to go bye-bye.

Katya: Oh it’ll be fine. People are rarely as confrontational in real life as they are online.  I mean what’s the worst that could happen? He shows up furious and insane and he kills you and burns down the pizza shop? That’s option A. Option B would be he cools off, comes by for a slice and you guys could end up laughing the whole thing off and then enjoying some nice quiet sex in the back room during your break. Those two options feel like the only possible outcomes. So good luck, I hope you don’t get murdered.