Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #23

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: Hi Gay! I recently have stumbled across a dilemma… I am a retail gay and manager, however I started very young (18) and all of my employees are the same age, or older than me. I recently changed locations, and one of my employees might have a crush on me, and I think I like him back. He is literally a week older than me, and I would never do anything to use my position of power, or threaten a professional work environment. However he’s been very flirty-ish…. we recently went on lunch break at the same time and had a nice conversation about coming out, past relationships, ugly boyfriends, and our cute, quirky traumatic experiences. He also stated that he likes my body type once, and is unnecessarily close to me whenever I help him with things. If we ever date, he’ll have to switch locations or quit, however he stated in the past that he has considered leaving to work in a different field already. What do you think, is he flirting, or is it just coincidence… and should I do anything about it? I bought 2 tickets to the show in Denver because I didn’t want to go alone, however I still have no one to go with. Maybe I should see if he wants to go with me? The last thing I want to be is creepy, but I don’t want to shut a door if there’s something there? 

-H, a homosexual wondering how to live, laugh, love in these conditions

Trixie: I can see how this is confusing because I am also of two minds in the situation.

I think meeting someone in the workplace is both inevitable and a very healthy expression of human dating. On most dates we don’t really know what to do or how to feel, but at work we are given tasks so we find it easier to present as our real selves because we have a purpose. There’s no alcohol or drugs involved and there is very adequate lighting in most workplaces so you can really get a look at the specimens to see what the tea is. 

As far as whether or not he’s flirting, I have found that if I suspect flirtation I’m always right. Where there is smoke there is usually a fire, and baby he is pumping out smoke signals to let you know that he wants to pop off on your shitter and frontbutt. I think you should flirt back. I’ve never been wrong about the intentions in someone’s flirtatious advances but I have been wrong about detecting them in the first place. Usually I find out later that they were lofting what they thought were very obvious hints. But I’m so country that I’m basically inbred and can’t tell because my brain doesn’t work because my parents were cousins.

But back to the fact that this is happening at work. Working in nightlife, I have been in so many situations where people meet at work and then it’s good for a while and then they break up and it’s hell for everyone. This is why whatever happens it’s important to let everyone know what’s going on. If this means he has to switch locations, it might be worth it. 

However, keeping this flirtatious chess game going will give you a reason to want to go to work so that’s nice. But the other employees will probably find your squid game of love annoying to watch. Good luck!

Katya: Encourage him to get another job, and then when he lands a new position in his new field, you both can celebrate by landing several positions with him in the bed, i.e. having gay sex. You sound like a reasonable, cautious person, which leads me to wonder if you really purchased tickets to our show… Anyways, I say go ahead and let the spicy broth of attraction slowly simmer for as long as you can, but just be careful–one wrong move and you’ll knock over the pot and you'll get scalded. I don’t know much about soup, but I do know that finding love with a bunch of third degree burns can be really annoying. 

Question 2: I'm so sick of being overworked, poor, and not being able to see my friends because of the pandemic. I feel like I missed out on so many experiences because I spent more than half of my college life online. I can't help but feel angry all the time, and the constant stress is probably detrimental to my long-term wellbeing. How do you push through overwhelming feelings of frustration and hopelessness?

-Rani

Trixie: Right now you are very hung up on something that is out of your hands. I think the key is to focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t. Besides college tends to be glamorized by Adam Sandler films and Smirnoff commercials. It’s really just a lot of time wasted on campus.

If you’d like to be a more active participant in the world‘s recovery I suggest changing your major to something in the field of medicine. Buy a chemistry set from Amazon and start developing a stronger vaccine.

Katya: Stress is definitely detrimental to overall health and well-being–I’m living proof of this as I often appear much older than I actually am. Just the other day while having lunch on set, one of the camera men approached me, and after several minutes of him trying to spoon feed me a bunch of applesauce and grilling me about my blood pressure, I realized he had mistaken me for his grandmother who is currently in hospice care. So, I’ll start by giving you the most frustratingly facile piece of advice you can ever hear: just chill out! 

College in America is a scam no matter how you slice it, whether that’s on campus or online. But the pandemic has really fucked things up for everyone and there’s no shame in feeling that. I was reading some dumb fuck’s post on Twitter that went something like, “Somewhere out there someone is going through something much more horrible than you right now. Be grateful.” I was like, oh piss off. A person can struggle and be in pain while also empathizing with other people. Anyways! So while you missed out on some of the movie-classic-type college activities, I can assure you that those are grossly over-hyped. 

In terms of dealing with anger, I’m not sure about that. I usually skip anger and go straight to sadness, which is much more elegant. The only effective coping technique I’ve used to work through anger was holding a handstand against the wall until I start crying (again, very elegant). This is a tough time, but as cliché as it is, we are all in this together. (Except for the very rich–they are in something else entirely altogether, and they will be watching down on us as we eat each other alive in the near future.) Good luck!

Question 3: Hi flops! I am a college junior and I'm on the exec board for my sorority, and it has recently become a bit of a problematic environment for my people-pleasing soul. Our newest class of members (who joined during COVID) have this really terrible, awful, rotted attitude about everything we do. There is a huge disconnect between them and the older members because they act with such a sense of entitlement. Essentially, the problem I've run into is that nothing we offer seems to be enough for them. They have snatched the rose-colored sorority glasses right from my gorgeous womanly visage and it has sent me into crisis.

What on earth do I do to please these people? I can't leave because of the nature of my position and the love I really have for this organization. Also, our founders used to drink actual blood, and that's really fucking cool, so I can't leave that behind. 

-Sorority Sister currently being Snatched Bald 

Trixie: Well well well. The good news is you are a fabulous person with so much to live for. The bad news is being surrounded by shitty people who kill the vibe is a situation you will find yourself in off and on forever. You can’t really change other peoples but you can change your own experience with how you care or don’t care about them. 

You know how sometimes when someone is mad at you ask what’s wrong and they say nothing even though there is clearly a major issue? You’re then expected to slowly wear them down so that they finally say what’s bothering them. Unless these bitches ask you for help or expect you to change their lives, you should just put on your clogs, open up a pint of ice cream, plug in your hitachi wand, and vibe.

While it is not fashionable depending on who you ask, I love the music of Azealia Banks. She usually has someone mad at her, be it a singular celebrity voice or a large group of people. Her whole point of view is “your problems with me are your problems.” You can’t control other people's problems. 

Katya: Well it looks like now is a perfect time to grab the cloaks from the closet, dust off the antique chalices and pencil in a mandatory midnight blood-drinking sister ritual! Nothing like a little terrifying hazing shin-dig to put those entitled freshmen in their place. I’ll meet you in the quad around 11:30 with my giant eyeball machete.