Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #8

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Want your question answered by us? Email goopedsubstack@gmail.com. Please include a name/pseudonym and your pronouns!

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Question 1: I recently started a new gig back in March, and in true lesbian style I fell for one of my coworkers who lives across the country from me almost completely on sight. (Let’s be real, it was on sight over a Zoom call.)

Since we’ve gotten close we’ve found we have tons of things in common; including life long goals, sense of humor and our mutual love of women. I want to tell her how I feel about her but I’m scared I’ll ruin our friendship and our working relationship in the long run. 

I’ve sent my friends screenshots of our conversations and they all say the feeling between us seems mutual but I just can’t seem to get it together long enough to say it. The most I’ve been able to do is tell her I’d drive anywhere she asked, which in context meant my driving from Detroit to Seattle to be with her on her birthday. (I should’ve done it, damnit.) Thoughts? Prayers? A mercy killing? 

Love ya both and see you soon in Detroit,

-Isadora Belle

Trixie: Isadora! First of all, love the name. Gorgeous, stunning name and your parents loved you very much to give you such a gift. 

Number one, you cannot fall in love on zoom. This is like when straight Christian people get married because they’re horny and want to pop the cork. Zoom is an amazing time saving resource for offices everywhere but it is by no means a veritable speed dating event. Zoom tells us nothing. You can even add fake eyebrows on Zoom! This woman could have no eyebrows and you have no way of knowing! Perhaps her virtual brows are beckoning you flirtatiously without her consent.

Number two, a mutual love of women is not exceptional. Much like how every chili cook-off will have queues at the portapotties, somethings are just a given. Loving women is amazing, but every sapphic relationship has this characteristic. That’s like saying “we are in love because we both like people, places, and things.” 

Number three, you are sharing the screenshots of your intimate conversations with your friends?! Does she know? I know you’re looking for guidance in a murky situation but sharing screenshots of conversations is a betrayal of trust. Go directly to lesbian jail.

Number four, driving for days to see a woman you barely know is Jack the Ripper, mama. Calm down, wait a few months to make sure the vibe is right, and then perhaps fly out like a sane human person. Make sure you know her well enough that you are at least going to see a friend. If romance is the vibe, let it be a wonderful little bonus. Katya always says this smart thing: “expectations are just premeditated disappointments.”

All these things said, I love your enthusiasm for this girl and I think it’s always good to listen to your instincts. I dated a guy I met at a meet and greet in Kentucky for five months and it was a total waste of time. But I’m glad I did it because I wrote an album about it and made money. So if this flops, find a way to monetize!

Katya: Yeah, I think we want to pump the brakes here. You’ve got an online friend here, who is also a coworker, and any significant development in this scenario is going to have to take place in real time and space together. I could be totally off base here, but I would temper your excitement, however feel free to keep chatting and enjoying one another as friends who are getting to know each other. Keep the expectations planted in the friend realm, so if you when you do finally meet and you hate the way she smells, or her hands are ice cold with 10 bandaged fingernails, you won’t be too bummed out about not making a beeline for the altar. 

Question 2: If a hole could be dug through the earth to the other side, if you jumped in, would you come out the other side? Or would gravity make you eternally stuck in the middle of the earth? Or would the force of jumping propel you into the space on the other side? I need answers, frankly. 

-Peg Bundy

Trixie: I have given this an unreasonable amount of thought and after much deliberation between me and the flight attendant on my Virgin Atlantic flight, I think you would get stuck in the middle. First of all you would die from heat. We barely survive on the earth's surface but the mantle layer is extremely hot and your face would melt off in seconds. You wouldn’t be a dead body flying and maybe if the universe has a sick enough sense of humor, you would get one good “Peekaboo” moment as your skeleton pops out the other size momentarily before being pulled back toward the Earth’s core. I recommend asking this type of question to a stoner because this seems like the type of condundrum they would be characteristally well-versed in.

Katya: Actually I’m going to disagree with Trixie on this one, because I, unlike her, have a passion for geology and I recently saw that new King Kong vs. Godzilla movie. If you somehow managed to drill a hole straight through the earth and traveled through it, I think you’d be pleasantly surprised to find an upside down gravity reversed prehistoric paradise where lots of ancient creatures fly, hunt, and do battle. Just bring an oxygen tank, snacks, and maybe some ibuprofen and don’t forget to take a little adventure hike and visit Kong’s skull fortress. 

Question 3: I’ve been banging my dealer for about a year now, and I think I’ve caught feelings. Pretty sure we’re just fucking, so I don’t really want to anymore. How do I break off my hookup without breaking off my hookup? 

-Future Trap Queen

Trixie: I am so unqualified to answer this so I am going to let someone very suited for the job chime in. Ladies and gentlemen, Katya…

Katya: Well, first of all, I don’t know what kind of casino you found this dealer at, but he or she is playing on thin ice if they’re hooking you up with house chips at the poker table or fudging the numbers for you at blackjack. Time to exit the Stardust, and maybe try one of the seedier haunts in Old Vegas, or maybe even just cut down to a twice yearly weekend trip to Atlantic City. On the off chance, you’re referring to a drug dealer, well, a couple old adages come to mind. For him, “Never get high on your own supply,” and for you, “a good plug will sell you a rocket, but won’t try and stick it in your socket.” Time to make some new connections! Good luck and be safe.