Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #28

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

Question 1: Hi gays, I am a 23 year-old closeted gay from India and I completed my undergrad in software engineering and am currently working from home, living with my homophobic parents and my ally of my sister bcoz corona is not going in her flop era. 

I really wanna get out of the country and get into the entertainment industry, come to LA or NYC and be a talent manager or get other positions in management really; how can I become desirable and get hired by the industry and like work my fat ass to join your team? 

I am a big fan and would definitely be another hard working asset.  

Thanks, 

-an ambitious, confused gay  

Trixie: I have always wanted to be a manager! I think talent management is so stimulating and interesting. Without good management, Mariah Carey couldn't sing a note and would work at a Cold Stone Creamery in Toluca Lake.  That’s not true but who knows? If you’re passionate about the talent you represent, anything is possible.

If you’re a new manager, you need new clients. Why don’t you start by finding some artists in your area that you like? It’s easy to sell their talents when you like what they do. The truth is that talented people are performing in every zip code so you can help feed and water careers wherever you are.

If I were you, I would start finding gigs for a few clients where you are first. Take a very small royalty to prove that you can help them work and then begin building a business bond. I have stayed close friends with all of my managers and a good one is hard to find, believe it or not.

Katya: Hi! Like my oral surgeon once said, or rather scribbled on my forehead with permanent marker while I was getting my wisdom teeth removed:  “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” That message really stuck with me (and on me for about a week). So first things first, let’s get you the hell out of Dodge. 

It’s the cruel and unfortunate burden of those of us queers who happen to be born in locations that aren’t amenable to our prancy procilivities. It can be tough and it can take some time, but just like they found out in Jurassic Park: Life finds a way. So start saving those coins and strategizing about how to hit the road, but be warned: New York City isn’t just a big apple with Rockettes spreading the news. It’s a prohibitively expensive city filled with cut-throat hustling youngsters who’ll stop at nothing to have you listen to their mixtape or invest in their fashion line. So shop around, and make a plan, and I wish you the best of luck. 

Question 2: Ladies, help. I think a guy I've had a crush on for a while wrote a song about me- but I'm not sure. It's literally a song about wanting a long distance relationship with someone on social media. He doesn't follow many people but like we don't talk that much? The song alludes to my very specific username yet when I told him I (generally) loved it he left me on read? Is he too nervous to admit he likes me or am I delusional? Please sound off <3    

-Cool Whip

Trixie:  Well well well, Cool Whip. Take it from someone who wrote a song about Jesse Eisenberg; it’s not always as stone cold serious as you think. I’m sure it’s somewhat autobiographical and he may have a passing interest in you that he expounded on for inspiration. However, he’s probably got a base level interest in you because I don’t believe straight men follow people or talk to them without a motive. Have you seen straight mens social media? Fishing pictures and memes. Cool Whip, you should just tell him you think it’s about you and if so you are flattered. You could drop dead from a brain aneurysm tomorrow so it’s important to shoot your shots in life. 

Katya: Okay Cool Whip, here’s my hot can of Reddi-whip advice that you should huff straight from the can. Whether you’re delusional or not, just keep on steppin. If the song is about you then great, be flattered, but you don’t wanna stick around to hear the inevitable break up tune, especially if that happens to be the one that turns him into the next Taylor Swift. And he left you on read, which is often a clear communicator of “not interested” Don’t sweat it though, it can be wise to avoid dating musicians and writers, so for me songwriters are just a notch above contract killers in my list of attractive mates. 

Question 3: Hey ladies,

What do you do when you find out you didn't get the gig? I know there's so many other opportunities out there but this one hurts more since I was told I was on the final considerations list and then cut. Looking for both healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms!

Love you,

Close But No Cigar

Trixie: I audition constantly and never get anything. Have you ever noticed the only things I am famous for are things of my own making? Because I never land the gig. I will tell you that sometimes things work out. I recently auditioned for a major reboot of a cartoon and I made it to the final rounds of auditions. I was on a Zoom call with all the network/brand executives who own the show and I knew I was in the final batch. They kept asking me to read younger but as a male baritone, I couldn't quite give the sound of the teenage girl character. I flopped.

However, three months later, the cartoon called and told me they wrote a character with me in mind because they like the way I read. I got to go record it at Nickelodeon studios and everything! I can’t say what it is because I could be killed by Mr. Nickelodeon, but moral of the story is sometimes things don’t work out. Usually, even. I auditioned for A Star Is Born and Willam/Shangela got it. I auditioned for Eureka’s part in American Horror Story and didn’t get it. I even once auditioned for a sitcom where they told me I was the only drag queen they were considering and I still did not get it. Rejection is part of what makes landing it once in a while so exciting.

Katya: In one of the B sides on Madonna’s 1994 album Bedtime Stories she breathily croons “Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac.” That phrase always struck me as kind of, you know, weird and gross, but it’s a pretty good if not sketchy and inappropriate reminder that if you’re frowning and do a handstand, suddenly there’s a smile on your face. We constantly hear stories about actors and how they got that magic one-in-a-million life changing big break. That particular industry is brutal, and so seductive because with one lucky chance in a standout movie, you can go from rags to obscene riches, and that far-off fantasy provides the fuel that powers the soul-crushing tank of capitalism as it bulldozes over the thousands and thousands of talented artists struggling and toiling at minimum wage jobs in between auditions. Anyways!

That’s all pretty grim and not very helpful, so my practical advice will not be as grim, but probably just as unhelpful. I’m not sure what field you’re trying to succeed in, but one thing I know is that to preserve even a shred of sanity you just can’t take it personally. In the insufferable train wreck Sex And The City 2, Miranda screeches “I’m a lawyer, it’s who I am!” This hamfisted characterization of her as the work-obsessed career woman is a great illustration of what we don’t have to be like. It gets tricky of course when our work involves passion or very arduous and extensive education, and especially in fields like art, cinema, and medicine, where your occupation and identity seem to inextricably merge. So my advice is just keep trying til you’re about to go ape shit, and while some might find comfort in the idea that the universe will bring an opportunity when it’s time, honey, I find it a little more comfort and relief in the notion that we are bunch of primates on a floating rock trying to eat some food and hump each other.