Long Time Caller, First Time Listener #30

Welcome to Long Time Caller, First Time Listener, a column where we, Trixie and Katya, give you, the reader, advice. Our answers may not be valuable, but they will definitely be irrelevant. 

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Question 1: Hi Trixie and Katya,

I am a young 22 year-old queer gal who just wants to hoe out and experience life and do a lot of the sex and explore many things with every and any type of human being!! I love being alone and so I cannot see myself in a “traditional” relationship ever and at my very youthful age I just want to explore but I don’t know how or where to begin??? I feel like gay men’s go-to is Grindr but there isn’t something like that for the gals! Do you have any advice?? I know sex isn’t everything but it sure is fun.

thanks from this youthful gal

Trixie: We had a very similar question a few weeks ago on GOOPED and if you were a true diva who worshipped the dolls, you would know that. You would have already absorbed my illustrious advice to go to trivia night at a local queer establishment. Think about it! If you’re smart, you get to show off your big humongous brain. If you’re dumb, you will inevitably experience a Slumdog Millionaire moment where your extensive knowledge of Flavor of Love and Pokémon come in handy.

I also recommend an adult gay sports league. Gays, lezzies, singles, couples, sober people, drunks… everyone is represented. What’s great about this environment is that sunlight and exercise are natural confidence boosters while the activity is an easy icebreaker. You will at LEAST stumble on some cool friends.

Katya: Since I am currently in the midst of a streak of unplanned celibacy, I am the last person to give advice on how to get laid. At this point I don’t even know how gay men do it…Grindr you say? I might give that a try but most days I just prefer to give myself the good ole good ole (I masturbate for 5 minutes watching softcore porn and then immediately fall asleep) so, I don’t know—but good luck! 

Question 2: Hello women,

I’m going to sound like your typical person in their early-20’s right now but I’m in a rut in most aspects of my life but mainly my career. I’m waiting to begin medically transitioning (bring on those juicy hormones baby!) and I’m a university drop-out working a retail job to barely make ends meet. I feel like my life is kind of on hold whilst I wait for the chance to bloom. How do I find out what I have a passion for career-wise? How will I know what my calling is? Also, any shaving tips in advance?

-Lukas

Trixie: I’m not going to be your favorite person here because I understand that the popular answer would be to tell you to relax and wait and wait for your rocket to come. However, nothing could be further from the truth. In your early 20’s, your time is best well spent doing everything. Working, going out, hobbies, performing, dating, having sex, traveling… everything. This is the time to start building the charcuterie board of your dreams by sampling the flavors of exotic lands. Eat pussy. Shoplift. Take classes. Play tennis with a guy from Tinder. Fall in and out of love. Have road rage. All the comedians spend their twenties doing standup every night for free. The drag queens perform every night or sit home and put makeup on for fun. The students study every day. The rich bitches spent their twenties developing silent velcro and inventing bitcoin. Whatever successful people were doing in their twenties, they were out there doing it. Or they were participating in the highly undervalued process of figuring out what they don’t want to be doing. Cut yourself some slack because the worst thing you could do is to sit and wait and hope. That’s too close to prayer and we all know that’s bogus.  

Also if you want abs, this is the best time to get them as it gets increasingly harder to acquire and maintain a hard body in your 30s.

As far as shaving advice, I recommend always doing it in the bath. Showers are meaningless because nothing relaxes your skin and preps it for a sharp razor like hot, hot water. I boil myself like a lobster and I’ve never had razor burn once. Then again I barely have body hair, facial hair, or even eyebrows. 

I guess I recommend being part Native American because we don’t have body hair.

Katya: Don’t get hung up on figuring out what your passion is. Some people don’t have passion, many don’t ever feel called to do anything special or grandiose. Lack of passion doesn’t always translate to a grim life full of tedious tasks and meaningless milestones. Talk to any monk and they’ll let you know that the foundation of true happiness is laid not only under a freshly tonsured noggin but in the mundane business of being a person, any person, doing the dishes and folding lace panties. And the good news is it doesn’t matter whether you’re JLo or Dumbo, no amount of money or success will ever allow you to truly live in the moment. 

Question 3: HELLO my favorite girlbosses!

Since you two are very successful, self-made rich queens, I was wondering what would you advise for someone who wants to start her own business. I am a proud workaholic with too much energy, my mind never stops and it keeps coming up with ideas. But the problem is to construct an actual business plan, slowing down and turning my ideas into products. While I am aware you can’t achieve perfection right away (or ever, really), I am also very hard on myself. Do you have any ideas how to shut down that critical voice in my head and put that energy into action? 

Looking forward to hearing from you two

—NIB

Trixie: This question is exciting to me! You are a self professed workaholic and you have disclosed to us that you have a mind that never stops having ideas. 

Girl let me tell you. You just have to trust yourself. It requires slight insanity and a dash of delusional confidence, but to quote the great Alyssa Edwards, “before you sell it, you’ve got to buy it yourself.” She also said something amazing like “Winning isn’t everything but wanting to is.” These are both very valid in business but not all of her quotes can be applied to business. I once saw her tell a sound technician “I am a star and you are just a faggot who pushes play.” I mean she wasn’t wrong about being a star, but the sound technicians of the world make the world go round. I digress.

What you are suffering from is the dangerous game of being a talker. Having good ideas, wanting to do something cool, and being ambitious all have one thing in common… they all mean you haven’t done anything yet. One of my favorite businesspeople is Bob The Drag Queen because she doesn’t talk about doing anything. By the time she loves an idea, she is calling camera people and collaborators and putting things into motion. You are capable of amazing things. Since you know that, the slightly harder part is going for it. I always bounce cosmetics ideas off friends or Trixie Cosmetics team members to get a temperature check on something. I always play a new song for my boyfriend just to get ears on it once. It helps it all seem less spooky because you’re slowly putting something in motion.

Katya: Like Trixie noted, it sounds like you’ve got the qualities that will help you succeed in whatever it is you try to do. Don’t worry about being too hard on yourself—with experience you’ll find the difference between constructive criticism and obsessive perfectionism. The latter can make you very unpleasant and difficult to work with, and if you want to accomplish anything, you’re going to need some help. Don’t be too married to your ideas, don’t take things personally, and remember: no matter how rich you think we are, we all put our diabetic socks on one leg at a time.