For our paid subscribers, you will be refunded for the remainder of your subscription. If you have any questions about your subscription, you can reach out to Substack.

FOUNDING MEMBERS: Stay tuned for an email with something special, coming soon.

And now, some parting words:

Trixie:

Ending My Journey With Substack (Not Clickbait: Emotional)

I started this year as someone who would not consider herself a writer. An actress? Sure. A fit model? Obviously. A purveyor of funky jewelry? Without a doubt. But I endeavored on my journey with Substack hoping to learn a lot more about my process as a creator and to challenge myself to not rely on my good looks to reach my audience. And what I discovered is that I will never pick up a piece of journalism and judge it at face value ever again. Regularly producing written content that is ripe with clever turns of phrase and insightful nuance is truly a gift that I do not possess. To all of the writers and journalists out there, I would like to express to you that you are not only one in a million but also verifiably insane. Still, part of my growth as an artist has always been about picking up new tools as I find them in front of me. Advancing my skillsets with DJing or home renovation turned out to be resonating experiences for me. While journalism, on the other hand, remains confounding and elusive. Just choosing those two words alone gave me a nosebleed in both nostrils. I salute all of the brilliant people who find themselves at home in a Carrie Bradshaw “I couldn’t help but wonder…” scenario, but my Substack experience made me notice that I am no Carrie Bradshaw.

See you on Sniffies,

Trixie

Katya:

I walked into the writers room a warbler and a wiggler and I’ll walk out of the writers room a warbler and wiggler. Thank you so much.

Here’s what happens on the next few seasons of And Just Like Crap:

Season 2: Miranda gets giardia from eating ass at the Russian TikTok house and while vomiting and shitting at the same time (so violently) she rips open a hole in the space-time continuum that sucks everyone into the Samanthaverse. There, everyone is named Samantha.

Season 3: I don’t know.

Season 4: Charlotte becomes President of the United States and then decides to bomb Iran, but then changes her mind and forms an alliance with the power of fashion. Meanwhile, Samantha becomes the President of Iran and reveals that the whole thing was a joke, but once the fashion move works, she decides to bomb the United States.

Season 5: Carrie walks in the Balenciaga fashion show and trips over some spilled White Cherry flavored Gatorade and splits her pants. She is laughed out of the tent, especially by Naomi Campbell, who is laughing so hard she is flecking her face in spittle. Carrie is so humiliated that she commits suicide. The end.

Thank you all so much for reading and supporting Gooped. Reading is hard.

Xx

Katya

We’re in Brisbane/Brizz Vegas/Brisneyland so I’m taking a minute to tell you guys all about the makeup I’ve been living for lately on tour. Coming at you from the dressing room during the intermission of Trixie and Katya Live– it doesn’t get realer than that.

Watch to hear me chat about lipstick, lip liner, fou…

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Here’s a front row view of the curtain call at Trixie and Katya Live! This was shot at Llewellyn Hall in Canberra by our tech queen Tarina Doolittle.

Today we’re on the move and prepping for the second half of shows on our Australia and New Zealand tour. See you soon, Brizzy!

Love,

Trixie and Katya

I need you to see this video of the black swans at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Melbourne.

After a brief hiatus in Canberra, the Bath and Garden tour of Australia has continued in a huge way. I’m typing this post from my spacious hotel bathtub, in fact.

This week, expect some more content about life on the road as our tour continues!

xx

KATYA

We’re off to Melbourne now. Will it be fierce and lit? Only time will tell.

xx

KATYA

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I’m hopping on here to share my experience performing on tour with a hip injury. Open the video for MRIs, diagnoses, and more!

xx

KATYA

Enjoy this video from our 3 fabulous nights at the State Theatre in Sydney. It’s so important to use music to express yourself!

As the Trixie and Katya Live tour continues, we are headed to Hobart next. See you soon!

Love,

Trixie and Katya

Please enjoy this vlog from our show last night in Sydney.

Love,

Trixie

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We just arrived in Sydney after 3 nights in Perth to kick off the Australia + New Zealand leg of the Trixie and Katya Live tour. Perth, thank you for being an iconic audience and especially for giving us the fiercest fucking hotel breakfast in the world.

Sydney, just know that we are going to hit the slay button. It seems like nobody wants to hit the slay button these days.

And see you back here on Friday for another post!

Love,

Trixie and Katya

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Here is a bit of my elegant rendition of Gimme Some Pizza by Nathy Peluso. This song changed my life and I have a feeling it will do the same for you.

Our Australian/NZ tour is off to a great start and the only thing that would make it better is if everyone would Gimme Some PIZZA!

Some other notable updates:

xx

Katya

This time around, I wanted to turn the volume up and make it sexier (is that even possible?) So I went back to the drawing board.

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Just a quick post to tell you all that after taking a plane to a bus to another plane to a bus to a hotel (very that), we’re officially down under for the Australia + New Zealand leg of the Trixie and Katya Live tour. If you saw the show in the USA earlier this year or even just photos on social media, just know that there are a lot of fun and sexy changes in store to make it even bigger and better.

Also, just a heads up, Subscribers can expect an especially FIERCE post in their inbox tomorrow.

xoxo

Trixie and Katya

Question 1: Hello gorgeous people reading this! I'm Bella and I'm 23 years old.

So I have an issue and I need your wise advice. I attend this musical theatre program at the university I graduated from, and I already know a few people there, some of them being close friends of mine. But, despite being a professional actress, I am an introvert and also neurodivergent, which means it takes me a while to get used to new people and to make friends, it's a natural process for me. 

Having said that, there is this one girl who has been calling herself my friend and invading my personal space lately, when we literally saw each other 3 times and barely talked. She is really sweet, but she is treating me like we've been friends for a long time and being, well, a LOT, and although there's no malice in her behavior, it's really uncomfortable to me. I barely know her at all. 

How would you guys approach this situation if you were me? I am too shy to tell her to stop, but I also don't know how to act when she's being all besties with me when we literally just met. 

Please help this socially awkward woman

Trixie: I can relate. I work with someone who is substantially older than me and incredibly gross and despite my obvious attempts to create distance, she clings on like a malicious barnacle. She even looks like a barnacle (if barnacles could do the splits and smoke.)

Tell that hooker exactly what you just told us. You need to build a friendship up slowly and you’re happy that she’s interesting in laying the foundation but you need it laid at a pace that allows you to match the speed. Usually in human life being honest is the fastest guilt-free way out of anything.

Katya: I agree with the above. Except for the barnacle part. 

Question 2: Hi Balds, 

I’m new to being bald (just recently shaved my head for the first time) and I’m wondering if y’all have any advice for scalp upkeep. Any tips, tricks, products (especially for moisturizing) would be greatly appreciated. 

Thanks, 

Fellow Faggy Bald Fuck

Trixie: Sasha Velour taught me that the best upkeep is to just shave it every day with a razor in the shower. I used to use a clipper to do it like twice a week but honestly the shower is so quick and easy and there’s no cleanup. Shaving your head over the sink or tub is so messy DO NOT DO IT DENISE.

I also really like Aveda Rosemary and Mint Shampoo on a freshly shaved head because it feels so fresh. Use Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Face Oil on top of your bald head overnight and Supergoop sunscreen during day.

Katya: I’ve found the upkeep and maintenance to be pretty easy, but if you are shaving to the skin, you’ll definitely want to slather your egg in sunscreen or your head will be a charcoal briquet. Other than that, I like to apply my usual hygienic rituals: before bed I wrap my entire head and face in cling wrap (don’t forget to poke holes for mouth and nose) — this prevents psychic energy dissipating through my crown chakra and a simple ice bath in the morning and voila! Nice bald head. 

Question 3: Dear Katya/Trixie,

I got married in my early 20s, we were very happy and things were pretty good, until they weren't. Suddenly, my husband decided to leave me and crush all the plans we had together, claiming he was no longer happy.

After a month he finally confessed he had cheated on me with a coworker. Of course. 

He's been going to therapy, trying to get his life together, which apparently includes me again. I am so torn because the obvious choice is a divorce, but then again I remember all the good things we had before he went full stupid.

Anyway, I feel betrayed, heartbroken, but also compassionate. What am I supposed to do? Have I gone full stupid as well?

Sincerely, 

Child bride

Trixie: You have to honestly put aside all expectations of what people/society/earth thinks should happen in this scenario. The progressive best gal pal will tell you to let the air out of his tires and use his ATM card while the hardcore Christians would advise you to stay with him even if he is horrible to you because marriage is sacred blah blah blah…

I never think that cheating is shitty because of the sex. It’s the dishonesty that’s shitty. Sex is whatever but lying to people you love sucks. 

I find the “You cheated so we are DONE” outlook to be shortsighted. People you love are always going to let you down and make mistakes. If I were you I’d follow the impulse to forgive. But in gay world we all fuck whoever we want and no one cares so maybe I’m wrong.

Katya: I say divorce, and start fresh. Pack your car with the essentials, leave quietly in the middle of the night, dye your hair in a gas station bathroom and embrace a new and exciting adventure on the road with a refreshing new identity. Never look back! No regrets. 

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Love,

Trixie

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Question 1: Dear Trixie and Katya, 

I am currently in my first year of high school and it's been very hard. One of the things I'm currently struggling with is dealing with the opinions of others. I've always had a hard time not letting others' opinions affect me, but this year it's gotten even harder as my mental health has also decreased. There are some people who do not like me and they make it very obvious. Such as laughing at me when they see me, glaring at me or loudly talking about me in front of their friends while I am in the same area. It makes me feel horrible about myself and my friends and family have tried to make me feel better but I still think about their words and actions on a daily basis. I don't know how to ignore what they say or do. Any advice on how to block them out so I don't continue to think about them every day?

Lots of love, 

Virginia <3

Trixie: Virginia you can never really change what other people say about you. However you can dramatically change how you react to it.  As long as there are human beings, there will be assholes–we can’t really help that. But you get better at not caring. The way I see it you have two options:

1. Ignore it. It’s really not worth your mental and emotional bandwidth to pay attention to what they are saying.

2. Go full Carrie White. Go to the prom and get your revenge using telekinesis. 

Katya: Virginia, I’m sorry that the people at your school are acting out, but what is really going on here seems more like a case of obsession. After reading your post, the first thing to pop into my head was the song obsessed by Mariah Carey. These nasty children can’t seem to get enough of you, and while it may be hurtful and cruel, I would flip the script and ask yourself why they are so drawn into your orbit and chewing up your business? I would suspect it has something to do with you being a diva, a diva who serves and works it, and clearly these foolish children can’t help but take notice of that. They feel so threatened by your ability to serve, that they attack out of jealousy and desperation. But don’t take it personally, those rotten kids will never be the diva, so keep steppin, and keep pissin on them.

Question 2: Dear Trixie and Katya, 

My corporate job is reasonably engaging, but I don’t live for the existential grind of a 9 to 5. I am paid very well that enables me to have a relatively bougie lifestyle while also saving for an early retirement in 10-15 years. This would be the safe, predictable path but I would say not exactly living my ~fantasy~

The alternative would be for me to work for myself in some creative capacity – I’d love to write fiction. Maybe flirt with some side hustles like Twitch and YouTube because unless you’re Carrie Bradshaw (RIP), a writer’s salary is just not it. Financial insecurity is the obvious downside, but I also think my fear of flopping would be severely heightened here because it would feel so much more personal. 

What do I do?? I’ve tried doing both (writing in my free time) but I just don’t think that’s a viable option for me.

-M

Trixie: Being self-employed as a creative is great–but it’s still employment. Doing something you love for money is the most obvious way to ruin the enjoyment so just know that.

Plus–many many of my favorite Twitch streamers or YouTubers or performers still have “real” jobs. I think in America we romanticize being creatively employed when the fact is unless you’re Vanessa Williams or Banksy or something, you’ll probably always have a few types of income. Some will be creative and some won’t.

I guess what I’m saying is you should pursue your creative endeavors WHILE enjoying the comfort of a day hustle. I was literally touring the world in 2016 and between tours I would pick up lunch shifts waiting tables at Rock Bottom Milwaukee. Mostly because I always felt like if it all went away I didn’t want to have to job hunt lol. 

Katya:  I agree with Trixie–why not have both? These are not mutually exclusive scenarios. So keep the nine-to-five and let that financial stability allow you to explore and experiment with whatever kind of artsy things you want to fuck with. That way you can be free of the pressure to become an overnight DaVinci, and just let your talent develop naturally. 

Question 3: Howdy dolls! I've only been able to accept my queerness in the past year or so, which comes with a load of realizations from my 20 years on this spinning rock. I've realized that the person who made me realize I'm gay, my first queer crush (although I didn't register it at the time), and my current crush ALL have the same first name as me. One of them even has the same exact car model in the same color as I do. To my knowledge, none of them have liked me back. On another note, my best friend and I have the same first name as well.

It's not like my name is super common like John or Abigail, but that's a lot of people who take up real estate in my brain who share a first name with me. Am I a narcissist?

With love from purgatory,

A hot mess express

Trixie: Girl you have written to the right people because Katya and I are literally both named Brian. This does not reflect on us really but more our moms Pat and Val respectively. When it comes to baby names, they took the safest routes and basically picked Matt/Dave/Ben and here we are.

Having someone’s same name in bed isn’t really the issue you’d imagine it to be because you don’t use the name much when you really know someone. I call David “Dave” at this point even though I don’t think anyone else does and he hasn’t necessarily approved it. 

Honestly just do a drag name when you’re dating women. Tatianna Paris McMichaels will work just fine. Or maybe Cookie Vanderbilt so you seem slutty and rich.

Katya: “All gay men have track lighting. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick or Steve.” -Olympia Dukakis, Steel Magnolias

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I wanted to share some behind-the-scenes content from my day on set. We shot at a studio in Brooklyn (that’s in New York City, baby) earlier this year. Here are some photos from the shoot!

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Question 1: Howdy ladies,

I have been dating this guy for a few years now and I started living with him for the first time about a year ago. He's a good guy, but I'm really not feeling it anymore. The unfortunate thing is I am not, fiscally, in a position to peace out and get another apartment so I am signed on to live with him for another year. He's extremely emotionally and physically clingy, and I know he will be devastated when I break up with him but it needs to happen because I am becoming increasingly homicidal (this is a joke). Given that we are living together, I'd like to break up with him in a way that creates the least chaos so that we can continue to civilly coexist in the same apartment. Any suggestions?

Thanks a bundle,

Gorgonzola Marie

Trixie: Oh sweet innocent young Gorgonzola Marie. Moving in with your boyfriend is a classic mistake of the young romantic. My partner David is the most important person in my life but we’ve been together for over five years and I still prefer to live alone. This is all sort of a spilled milk situation since you’re already here so let me help you.

Tell him exactly what you just told us. Tell him you don’t want to be together but it’s a difficult situation because you can’t afford to break it off and create the space between you. I can tell you from experience the most relationship problems get blown up because one or both parties isn’t sure how to address a a problem. If you are just honest about how you don’t know what to do but you know that you don’t want to be together, you are being the best human to him possible.

Katya: Don’t be sad. There is a surprisingly simple solution to this unfortunate situation. Actually, there are a few, but I’ll share one with you and keep the other two for myself. So you’re strapped for cash and you need to get the hell out of Dodge. I’ve got one word for you: Mannequin. Many people are unfamiliar with the 1987 classic movie Mannequin starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall, and for good reason: it’s kinda bad. I love it of course, and it just so happens to hold the secret to your predicament. All you have to do is find a shop mannequin that looks exactly like you, bring it home and dress it up in your clothes and leave it in your apartment with a note that says “so tired. Taking nap. Don’t touch. Love ya” And then you take the place of the store dummy and you get to hang out in style! I would choose a fancy department store where there isn’t a lot of traffic near the displays, but beware of ultra fancy stores because they tend to get all artsy with their displays and you might be set on fire by an ambitious window dresser. Otherwise, it’s pretty full-proof. And who knows, you might even meet a cute, sensitive retail man who will take you for rides on his motorbike.

Question 2: Hi Trixie and Katya, I feel like I am at the opposite end of the usual age range of your fans. I have a son that is almost Trixie's age!  

I guess my problem is that I'm now at the stage in my life where compliments are less "you look great!" and more "you look great for your age!"

I'm doing all that I can to stave off the effects of aging as long as possible - botox, retinoids, hair dye, what have you - I'm not going down without a fight!! But it's only a matter of time and it gets more and more depressing every year. 

I don't really know how much advice two young, beautiful women can give me but I thought I would give it a shot. 

Lots of love!

(I would sign my name but it's a very 70's name and it depresses me)

Trixie:  No I’m just obsessed with finding out what your name is. Debbie? Carol? Moonflower?

When you think about it, being told that you look good for your age is actually a higher compliment. The person is acknowledging that by natural law, you should be visually on the struggle bus. They are acknowledging that you have cheated time in a way. Congrats!

Being told that you look good at 25 is meaningless. It’s like being told that you are the prettiest girl in a small town . Being told that you look good at your advanced age is an absolute bouquet of affirmation and you should feel great about it! I’m 32 and I look about 50 and there’s nothing I can do about that. Let me tell you – looking old when you’re young is a lot worse than looking young when you are older.

Katya:  Listen, Edna, time isn’t real and nothing matters. As a person who has recently crossed the threshold of forty, here in Gay Los Angeles I have technically been dead for 5 years. Yes, it’s true that a youthful appearance is generally regarded as more attractive to our lizard brains, and that fact is exploited by capitalism into a relentlessly ageist consumer culture that will stop at nothing to sell you a $300 1oz bottle of Benjamin Button brand Crème de la jeunesse guaranteed to erase age lines and wrinkles, which in the beauty industry are more commonly known as hideous deformities of the cadaverously unfuckable. Bottom line, we are all the unwitting conductors of a non-stop chaotic symphony of decay. Sure the horn section looks shiny in the beginning and those strings start out taut and resonant. But eventually, if we are lucky enough, we’ll all be squinting at faded sheet music while wheezing into a rusted tuba. I’ve always loved old people. I’m not resentful of young hot sexies, but don’t forget youth is frequently wasted on the young and those tadpoles are often dumb as a brick and often beat with the ugly stick. Not sure if this is helpful. Just try to enjoy your ride on the oldie train, because there’s no sightseeing at the next stop, Deadville station. 

Question 3: Dear Trixie and Katya,

Hi babes, so recently I got dumped pretty out of the blue. We were together for two and a half years, I thought we were so in love but he had eyes for someone else, when literally weeks before he was telling me how much he loved me. I have such a good group of friends that have been amazing with helping me heal and have fun and keep my life on track since he had dumped me a week before my final exams period started. Dick move, right. Anyways, I've been doing really well in healing myself, but that tiny voice in my head reminds me too often that I wasn't good enough, when I did so much and gave all of myself to him. I believe I have a lot of self confidence cuz I'm a sexy hot bitch, but sometimes it's not all there, and I just feel so shitty and sad. How do you deal with heartbreak, not feeling like you're good enough, and getting over someone who was an important person in your life for so long? 

I love you both so dearly, my best friend and I have watched you for years, love you mommas. 

Love, Emma

Trixie: Oh my God Emma I have been in your shoes and it is horrible. Of course I looked better in that shoe than you do but that’s just because I have runners legs and a creamy even skin tone all down my calves.

Love and beauty is all about the individual. Two different people could go on five dates with you and one will think that you are the worst person ever and the other will think that you are the catch of a lifetime. 

I always think of the game the Sims because you start the game with a finite number of points that you can drop into different characteristics of the personality. You might choose to make your character more smart but that leaves you less points to make them charismatic.

I guess what I’m saying is I think we all have the same number of points they are just dispersed differently. I really love thick hairy intelligent men. And I don’t care if he is funny or charismatic. But someone else might feel totally differently.

Katya: I’ve never had a serious boyfriend or a relationship that has lasted longer than a few months and guess what? I love myself. Bam! I prefer to feel my heartbreak where it feels good, in an AMC theater.

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Here’s a little video I recorded for you while I was in Milwaukee recently. Enjoy!

Love,
Trixie

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